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My mom lives with my sister, Billie Jo. In the past two weeks, she is telling Billie Jo that she is not her daughter. She is insistent that Billie Jo tells her who her parents are, and is very upset that no one ever told her that she is not her daughter. She calls my sister "the other girl" or "the other Billie Jo". She will not let it go. She calls my siblings and me and ask us if we know her situation (I guess living with "the other Billie Jo". It is really upsetting because we can't get her past it. Any suggestions on what to say to her to calm her down?

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Do not argue with her.
If she insists that Billie Jo is not her daughter let it go. Billie Jo knows, you know and so does the rest of the family.
When she asks about Billie Jo's parents tell mom about HER, her husband (your dad) and the rest of the family. Tell mom that she had a good mom, that she loved her. If mom asks why she is not with her mom just say mom is not feeling well and we have some very nice people taking care of her.

I doubt seriously if my Husband knew I was his wife. He did not call me by my name the last 4 or 5 years of his life. Occasionally when we were out he would follow someone and I would ask where he was going and he would say he was looking for his wife. Did it upset me? Not really it made me sad. But also happy that he still knew I was a safe person for him.

I think with dementia we all loose identity .
The person with dementia looses themselves.
We lose ourselves as individuals
And our loved ones no longer know us for who we are.
Sad all the way around.

Don't stress about this, you all know who you are.
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I think Mom thought I was her mother at times. Just by the way she reacted to me. She never mentioned my Dad or her 2 middle children. Just the baby and me the oldest an we are almost 12 years apart.

You are not going to be able to change Moms mind. They get something into their minds and you can't change it. Your sister is going to have to just play along. Maybe say "Billie Jo had to go to work and she asked me to come over and do some chores for her and make sure you were OK"

You also need to realize that your Mom may not see her Billie Jo as an adult but as a child. This happened with my daughter and my Dad. She was trying to help him and said "Pop Pop its Renee" he said "No its not, Renee is a little girl".

Your Moms brain is literally dying little by little. You can no longer reason with her. They lose the ability to empathize. Their short term memory loss will not allow them to remember from day to day, minute by minute. They become self-centered and like small children. If this gets too much for your sister, think about placing Mom. Dementia has no rhyme or reason and because of this, its very hard to deal with.
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Wow! That is so similar to my situation for the last 3 years. My wife says a lot of the same things to me. She calls me "the other Jay " and is constantly asking people where I am and who is the imposter living with her. The best thing I can tell you is don't argue with her. I know it's hard but tell your sister she has to sometimes act as the imposter. It makes life much easier. My wife has had parkinson's disease for 19 years and she developed this dementia as part of the disease. Her neurologist said it was called Capgras syndrome and occurs in about half of Parkinson's patients. It's also very similar to Lewy Body Dementia. If you want more information, look up those 2 things. It's very helpful.
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Meauxg12 Aug 2021
Jay I just wanted to say God Bless you for being such a wonderful and dedicated husband. You are the best example of true love and commitment to marriage. I’ll be praying for you and your wife.
Maureen
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You cant correct, convince, teach, or explain anything to an Alzheimer's patient. My mother with Alzheimer's goes back and forth with this type of thing. Sometimes I'm her daughter Kristy, sometimes I'm the "other" Kristy and sometimes I'm that nice girl. One night I was standing there and she looked in my room and said, "Do you think Kristy is in there?" I said, "I don't know, let's go look." I have also started calling her Mary, instead of Mom. This helps ME keep perspective. I realize it is shocking and sad at the beginning, but try to get used to it and learn to play along with her. Billie Joe could just say, "I'm someone who loves you." This is a very hard situation and you have my deepest sympathy. This forum has been my lifeline through all of this. God bless.
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SusanHeart Aug 2021
Thank you Burnout for the post, you provided me another solution for me and my dad. My dad has good days and bad days all driven bu the use of the cpap machine. On good days he knows me, remember my name and know who I am, on bad days I am a stranger that works at his AL or something similar.

tou have provided me options on how to handle bad days. Thank you
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There is a name for this. It’s imposter syndrome or capgras syndrome.
Here is an article that will help you understand it better and some suggestions.


https://www.healthline.com/health/capgras-syndrome

There was a post on here once where a caregiver wife told her husband with Alzheimer’s when he insisted she wasn’t the wife that the next time the other wife showed up to have her do some laundry.

My FIL had a similar problem with his house. He thought he had another house in a neighboring community that was exactly like the house he was living in. You won’t get her past it by trying to convince her she’s wrong. The article has some suggestions.
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maybe tell her that Billie Jo had to take a trip to handle some business and that she left her very best friend who is very helpful to stay until Billie Jo gets back. tell her that she (your mother) can trust this woman very much. it is normal for ones with dementia, other mental issues to forget. wishing you luck......but don't try to argue with her and insist because it will be upsetting............
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She has something called Capgras syndrome ( look it up) it’s also called imposter syndrome. My husband has it as well. He’s 72 and got this in the last 2 years believes he left his family and I’m the “ other woman”. Will not even acknowledge our wedding pictures . We are each other’s one and only and have been married 51 years. He also does not think our home is his home. It’s a terrible partner of Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. Do not argue with her or try to convince her … it will make her more agitated. Just try to divert. Sometimes just leaving the room or the house for a few minutes then coming back in will help. Good luck …. This stinks and many times my husband try’s to leave, insisting he has to get home to his WIFE. Truly heartbreaking 💔
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Your mother has dementia. Find the humor, if you can. But be aware that it will likely get worse and it may become untenable for your sister if your mother begins to see her as the enemy. It can happen very quickly. For example in my case, on a Sunday my mother seemed OK, but by Wednesday I was a "prostitute walking the streets." Within days of this episode, my mother became hyper paranoid and began calling the police at all hours of the night saying I was "coming through the chimney, stealing her furniture."

Prepare yourself.
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What do you say to your mom or your sister? If there is a way to help your mother recognize your sister it probably won’t last long, while we haven't experienced this yet, from what I hear it can happen and typically with the main caregiver. It’s not in Moms control and that’s the thing your sister need to try to remember, it has nothing to do with her or your moms love for her.

I can’t imagine how hard this is for your sister and for you watching her go through it. It strikes me that your mother knows who you and your siblings are on the phone, perhaps your sister “the real” Billy Jo should try chatting on the phone with her. Maybe it’s a visual disconnect and changing her appearance when around mom would help, I’ll wear a hat Mom so you know which one is me but when I’m not there the other Billy Jo is there to help me out so please be nice to her”.
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My sisters and I have gone through a very similar situation with our parents as both have advanced dementia. My advice is to not argue and change the subject. It is to confusing for them to comprehend and makes them scared and agitated. It is truly a heartbreaking disease.
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