Sticky situation. Is your dad trying to do the finances and then she gets verbally abusive toward him? She may do that with anyone helping with finances as it's something she's used to being in control of.
This may be something you have to do without mom, and just with dad if he's more receptive. If dad is receptive to your help, you may be able to get him to add your name to their checking and savings accounts and their bills as an authorized user for their financial safety. You have to go into the bank with him to do that. Get added for email, too, for statements and so you can help monitor and do whatever's needed. Call their bank and ask what's needed to do that, him or both of them.
If dad will also add you as an authorized user on all their bills, you can talk to those people whenever needed. You often just need phone approval with those companies (3 way calls work for many).
Most banks and companies understand cognitive decline, and often help adult children who are helping their parents.
Once you've got those things in place, you may want to try to talk with mom about letting you take care of these things for her and him now. If she still won't agree, you'll have to do a lot of that work behind the scenes with dad.
Do you have financial PoA for your parents? When my inlaws were showing signs of their dementia trainwreck we discovered boxes and boxes and boxes of checks she had ordered and obviously had misplaced. She'd record a check (partially) in one book from one box and then another from another box and book and on and on. She had $900+ in overdrafts. I took my laptop over there and showed her how easy it was to pay bills online automatically and that I did it that way too. Tell her she can still get the printed statements in the mail to review. Remind her how important it is not to miss paying insurances. This may take some of the negative attention off your dad. Good luck, let us know how it goes.
I had to show my mother mistakes she was making. Showed her bank statements with all sorts of charges they were doing because she was moving money into different accounts for no reason. I showed her the huge interest she was being charged by her credit card bank because she was keeping a small balance rather than paying it off. I showed her the organizations that were charging her monthly. I told her it was taking alot of my time and all of my equilibrium to deal with all this. I literally had the paperwork and showed her what she was doing and what it was needlessly costing her. .
This may be something you have to do without mom, and just with dad if he's more receptive. If dad is receptive to your help, you may be able to get him to add your name to their checking and savings accounts and their bills as an authorized user for their financial safety. You have to go into the bank with him to do that. Get added for email, too, for statements and so you can help monitor and do whatever's needed. Call their bank and ask what's needed to do that, him or both of them.
If dad will also add you as an authorized user on all their bills, you can talk to those people whenever needed. You often just need phone approval with those companies (3 way calls work for many).
Most banks and companies understand cognitive decline, and often help adult children who are helping their parents.
Once you've got those things in place, you may want to try to talk with mom about letting you take care of these things for her and him now. If she still won't agree, you'll have to do a lot of that work behind the scenes with dad.
Good luck.
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