My mom lives in northern Illinois. I live in Florida and have a very happy life with my significant other of 30 years.
Mom is the primary caregiver for her husband, who has been diagnosed with dementia. She and her husband both have diabetes, and my mom’s is not well controlled.
Recently, mom fell and broke her ankle, requiring surgery. I flew in and stayed with them for a week, and my younger brother drive in from 2 hours away and stayed with them. My older brother lives 15 minutes from them, but is too busy and unwilling to check in on them.
three weeks after the surgery, mom became quite ill, but refused to call her doctor, resulting in a trip to the hospital in Thanksgiving (my older brother refused to take her and argued with her when she called him for help saying “you need to call 911. I am not taking you.”
things are complicated because mom’s husband cannot really stay home alone. He has a daughter who lives nearby and she has helped tremendously.
this has brought several issues to the surface. When I suggest caregiver support, my mom gives a resounding “no.” When I beg her to call her doctor, it’s another “no.” She feels that all support should come from us kids.
I am certain that she also feels I am her ultimate plan. She brought my grandmother to live with us, and she seems to feel I should do the same. I watched her relationship with my grandmother deteriorate, and watched every romantic relationship my mom had fall apart. She was so unhappy.
Yet I overheard her talking to a friend while I was there, and both said “you just can’t expect the same level of care from the boys.”
basically, she expects me to be her 24/7 caregiver at some point, because that is what she did, and I am the girl.
Everyone I have asked about this has said that moving her in with me is a bad idea. How do I have that conversation without hurting her? How do I convince her that I love her and I am here to help, but I do not want give up my life the way she did? Admittedly, we have grown apart in recent years, but I do love her and want to be sure she is taken care of. How do I reconcile the fact that she expects this of me automatically because I am the daughter?
I feel incredibly scared, sad and guilty about these feelings. I do not know what to do.
When you do this, the person can make plans for their own old age.
It is very antiquated for a parent sto expect a child to be your caregiver as you age.
Some may want to take on this role, and that is fine.
Still, it should not be expected. If a parent expects their child to be their old age insurance policy than they will be disappointed.
Many children have enough of their own issues and can not afford to take care of a parent. They have jobs, children, spouses, and lives of their own.
If your mother loves you without expectation, she will understand.
Your parent decided to have children on their own. You did not have a choice regarding who your parents were.
There are many elderly who do not have children and manage to figure out how to take care of themselves.
Lastly, perhaps you can suggest that your mother visit an estate planning attorney and an elder care attorney for advice on how to proceed without depending on her children.
If you have the resources to outsource her care....then that is fine. Still, most people do not have the spare cash to outsource parental care and if they do not live locally, airfare can break them financially.
Do not feel guilty. You are not your mother's slave.
Your brother is right, too. Your mom can call 911, if she is alone and needs help, that is why she pays taxes and that is what 911 is there for.
It is a process a person must go through to get through.
And, I doubt 'the mother' will understand. She might in time however, with her expectations, she may be shocked, stunned, angry, frightened 'first'.
Otherwise, I agree with your post 110%.
Perhaps some of the strength for the daughter could come from the son who knows how to set his limits and boundaries. A talk with him might help. Even asking "how do you do it? and why?"
Everyone went ape to ensure everything went smoothly for the boy. My mother got him immigration. Another, a doctor, pulled strings for his medical residency. And back when I was in HS, I was asked to meet the marriage candidate my mom had set him up with.
She was just like "I love your uncle" and I was like, well are you going to love having MIL around to live with you after you get through your honeymoon. I reported back to my mom that this plan would fail.
Which it did within a couple years. The grandma ended up being paid for and strings pulled for her until she died in a NH (probably the nicest that Medicaid offers) in 1996.
My parents' plans involve them immediately going to an independent/assisted/snf when the other one dies. If one of them falls severely ill then they've already indicated they want to be in a snf. They are immigrants, and they've come a long way in 40 years.
Compared to SO's family. His parents have in recent months both fallen ill--her with a cancer dx and he with a stroke. Everything around that has been around getting "family" to help first so that they're not paying. Eventually they got an overnight/weekend person and hired their DIL as day manager. Because of work SO is not going to be able to come by at drop of a hat to lift them, so their newest plan is to enlist the sons of aging widows who are their friends to "drop by" whenever they need to upload him or her into a vehicle, or have them watch their domestics, or whatever.
I can't even express the depth of selfishness this is.
I know a lot of these men. They know they have no chance at dating. They are socially regressed and almost uniformly angry at the position they've been put in, where they get even less respect than women doing this job. And SO's parents want to deploy some Mom who has the nads to actually command their son to go over there.
They make me sick actually with that suggestion.
Set her expectations without directly saying no. Ease her into your reality so she doesn’t count on you and so that there is no painful confrontation or humiliation in front of others.
New Zealand looks nice 😁 (and currently Covid free 😇)
It sounds to me that you need to feel okay about yourself, who you are, and clear on what you will and won't do. If you are having all these feelings, you are not confident in yourself, which is required if you want to maintain a quality of life for yourself. Otherwise, without professional support, I believe you will 'lose' your life (style) to your mother, caring for her. And, likely feeling resentful and angry through it all. Do not set yourself up for this.
While you may feel guilty and scared, it is 'more' disrespectful of your mom if you allowing her to believe in her fantasy of her care in the future. You need to have this conversation NOW. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for months or years of guilt and fear, and the accompanying emotional and psychological, and physical manifestations that come with it - you will ruin your own health / quality of life. It is best for all concerned to discuss these matters NOW.
It sounds like one of your brothers has done this - right or wrong - he has set boundaries on what he will and will not do. You need to do the same.
You reconcile by doing what you realistically can by deciding what you will take on, what level of care you will take on, and discuss ways to manage care as needed. You may need a three way conversation with a therapist and your mother to get the support you need to have this talk. Additionally, I imagine there is some / perhaps a lot of anger on your part with the care your siblings take on. Nothing falls on your shoulders UNLESS you allow that to happen. You need to build yourself up inside. Therapy can help although you do need to understand these feelings are decades in the making and will not be so easy to change. You will feel sad, grief stricken, guilt - it is what you do with these feelings / how you work through them that matter.
Realize too that her expectations are HERS. If she did not discuss or ask you about care in the future, she needs to understand that she is making huge projections without any factual basis. This will be hard for her to realize, if not understand, too. It likely will be some very confrontational interactions / conversations. They need to happen - and the sooner the better for all concerned. I would hope you could have a family intervention of sorts - so everyone can be there to 'put their cards on the table' - nothing is black or white. It is the shades of grey that need addressing. The point is to open this conversation NOW. As time moves forward, what is discussed now of the 'who does what' may change. Gena.