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I don’t know if I talked about my mom and changing her will after everything that has happened with my brother pretty much writing her out of his life. I just keep praying that he is happy and maybe some day he will change his heart. Anyway, I took her to her lawyer so she could do a living will and that way I know what she wants. Of course I was in the lobby and I got a phone call from the assisted living where my FIL is. He wanted to walk to the bank. I didn’t recognize the number so I didn’t pick it up. So the message was they said no but maybe i can talk to him. I called my husband to deal with it but he was on a big call. So I called and now she offered to take him to the bank. Back to the will. My mom got in the car and she said I hope I did right. Then she said that I will be happy and surprised. Then she was talking about how the granddaughters who haven’t spoken to her in two years will end up with it all in the end. But remember I will be pleasantly surprised. It’s hers and she can do whatever she wants. I just asked her if it’s going to cause more problems. It shouldn’t. It’s almost like she wants to show them how much she loved them and they didn’t care about her. Okay my question is has anyone gone through that everything is a secret. I just go back to when I found a mess with her bills. So what else are we going to be surprised about. All my life everything was a secret. Why can’t we just talk about it so we are prepared. Has anyone gone through this. Thank you all. I am so grateful for this forum. Plus now she wants to prepay her funeral. If that’s what she wants no problem but she really has other things that will be coming up. Have any of you gone through prepaying the funeral.

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Again--as I said--and it's been borne out in other posts--waiting for "THE WILL" to be probated or whatever and having ANY belief that you are inheriting ANYTHING is a supreme waste of time.

My DH feels I should take my $9875 and give it to the brother who took mother and daddy in. I feel I have done sufficient CG to take this and walk away. It's not DH's decision and although he said he would be "disappointed in me" for keeping money that he feels should go to brother, he hasn't even SEEN my mother for well over a year. He has not had to deal with ultra-controlling brother who gets angry and literally screams at me when I overstep (in his mind) mother's care. She has begged me to take her into my home and that will never happen...she's that unhappy in his home.

IF I actually inherit this, I am taking my little family on a vacation. That amount won't even pay for the tickets to Disneyland and the hotels! It won't make on iota of difference in my life.

My FIL, on the other hand--we were so worried when he passed that we were going to be able to afford the burial and such--turns out he had been squirreling away money like a miser--and DH came home from the attorney's with this look on his face and told me the 3 kids would each inherit over $250K. Nobody had any idea.

What a blessing that money was! A year later my DH had to have a liver transplant and it was not "in plan" so we were out over $250K out of pocket---w/o that inheritance, we would have lost everything to medical bills.

Our kids know the contents of our will. It's there for US, not them. We don't know what the future holds and none of them are holding their breaths for grand inheritances. In fact, all 5 are far better off than we are--3 are millionaires, what do they need with OUR money?
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Staffbull18 Jan 29, 2019
I am not waiting to see what i get. I am just concerned about what a mess it can be. In fact I would love my mother to use it for herself or it may come to use for her care. But if not I am terrified that it’s going to cause more tension and anger issues with my brother. Honestly, we don’t even know if it happens that we may inherit the money pit of a house and all the hoarded things in ut and some land. I just don’t like lies and I have been lied to by my brother and my mother and I they would put me in the middle. I don’t care about any material or financial things I just want our family together. I have never wanted anything from my mother or my daddy. There have been some crazy things coming out of my brother mouth too when he was talking to me. Saying that he was promised this according to my grandpa and another guy in a field. He was under the impression that he got one farm and my dad the other. Both have passed away. Then first my grandpa had a will then he didn’t.!my brother came down going crazy about if my grandpa had a will. It was on me to find it and here my sister in law had it the whole time, see i have tried everything to stay out of it except to take care of my parents. But it fell on me to get all the paperwork needed to clear the title on the farm to refinance it and get my brother 30,00 and my mother $20,000. I haf to idea what was going on. When I handed my sister in law 30,000 she actually talked to me and my brother was a part of my life. Then my daddy’s will was probated I will just say even though he said it wouldn’t effect our relationship well he blocked me. And my mother. If you want everything you can see what has happened. I am sorry I just broke down going through this. I am not a person that feels she is owed anything. I don’t do what I do because I want something. Everything i have ever done has come from love. I actually have gotten in trouble because I do too much and nothing for me. I am sorry you think I am worried about my inheritance.
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The thing about secrecy - it is a very nasty manipulative, control tactic.  I'm not saying your mom is aware of what she is doing - for many people, financial matters are supposed to be kept secret.  But you describe a "culture of secrecy" throughout your life and this, in my opinion, is often a form of abuse.  You are made to feel so off-balance, even stupid because you are ignorant. BUT, if no one tells you a thing, and you are not the kind of person who sneaks around in other people's business, well you are not going to know about things, are you?  You may feel stupid, but you are not at all.  To me, this would be a tactic to pull me in - the only way I coped with it in my life, was to strictly, strictly stay our of anyone else's financial affairs.  Pure indifference.  I would take the attitude that brother's life was his business, mom's was hers and mine was mine, and worry just about mine.
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Ah yes, The Will! I can remember family discussing The Will from the time I was only 5 or 6 years old. Every family gathering The Will had a place at the table. My grandmother's recently widowed sister inherited a tractor trailer load of money, jewelry, land, stocks & bonds from her late husband. Declaring her intention never to marry again, she wrote, The Will, dividing all her worldly goods between my mother age 25 and her brother age 20. Never mind that Great Aunt was in her mid-50s with every opportunity to spend all the money as she wished before she died. Hurray!!! We will be rich someday! My young uncle took the possibility of inheriting great wealth to heart & pretty much declined to be more than marginally employed to this day! When his wife divorced him after 25 years, he didn't want Great Aunt to know in case she divided his part of The Will with his ex-spouse & children. He borrowed lots of money over the years, only paying interest on the principle, to buy what he wanted right now in anticipation of his half of The Will. Great Aunt did marry again. She & husband #2 had prenuptial agreements allowing the surviving spouse to use all assets of the deceased spouse as their own until their death, at which time the assets would revert to the heirs. Great Aunt died first & #2 moved back near his children. When he died 4 years later, there was much joy at the prospect of The Will, after 45 years of anticipation, rescuing my uncle from under his pile of debt, and providing a bit of cushion for my mom & her disabled husband. Sad to say there was only a few hundred dollars left in The Will. When #2 needed very expensive care the last years of his life, his financial POA used all but those token monies for said care. Thereby keeping the bulk of #2's estate intact for his heirs. There was wailing & gnashing of teeth but no recourse. Uncle transferred his hopes & dreams to my grandfather's bank accounts, upon which he wrote forged checks & anticipated his part of Daddy's Will. Watching this play out for decades, DH & I willed everything we might have left at the end to our university's scholarship fund. Our children & their spouses know this info already. They also know if DH goes first & there is still money in our account, I intend to spend All of it on me!!!
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Ahmijoy Jan 17, 2019
Oh, my. There’s a television show in there somewhere!
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I'm on the other side of the issue. I have been told about the will since I was in college. This person is in the will, this person is out of the will. Back and forth. I'm tired and I don't care. Sooner or later she will get mad and cut me out....and I don't care! All I'm concerned with is that she has enough money to take care of her self because she will not move. I want her to be taken care of that's it! I don't care if there is not a nickle left. She has used that money like a hammer on everyone.
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bettina Jan 17, 2019
Can so relate to this. My mom did this throughout my life, ended up putting
several grifters in the will whose company she enjoyed because they endlessly flattered her. Ugh. Who cares? My father has same tendency, but not to same degree, mainly with cultivating relationships with grifter types. I've had to deal with hostile grifter types most of my adult life. People who wanted to be "adopted" by my parents to get in their will. People who had criminal records and were actively engaged in a bunch of
shady stuff.

At the end of the day, because both of my parents were narcissistic and so
obsessed with their own egos and personal comfort, their finances weren't
so great. Good but not enough to throw around. There'll be enough for my
father's care, doubt there will little if any left as inheritance. My main concern at this point, after years of intensive care and exhaustion is not to
drain my own health or finances any further.

Dangling money over the heads of your children to get them to jump at your
beck and call is no way to go about things. But seems to be a tactic some
parents like to resort to. How depressing.
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Oh heck no! If you don't want a mess in the end you should know what the elderly are doing! Where they are hiding stuff! I know everything about my Daddys will, his money, what he pays, who gets what, NO NO NO way am I gonna have any surprises! Hate me now, Hate me forever! I don't care but I'm not doing the surprise crap!
hgn
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Staffbull18 Jan 25, 2019
Thank you. I honestly don’t care if I get anything but If there comes a time that we can’t do it all. We told my parents a long time ago. Sell it all if you want and go enjoy your life. My daddy used to say when he was so tired of working a full time job and then the farm just sell and move to town. As I look back my mom was always floating a carrot in front of my brother and manipulating him with the farm. I can see her actually being selfish and hold on to every acre and then have us run to the bone financially physically and emotionally. She is better sometimes but she has controlled my daddy brother and me all her life. So I do get it why my brother had enough. I just pray that if it comes to a point where she may need more care she is not going to be selfish. Yet it’s her money and life. She knows i would always be there for her and she thought my brother would be there but he called her bluff. I get confused or look at all sides and question what is the right answer but honestly it’s just doing the next right thing for myself too. It’s not that i am worried about what i am getting at all it’s just i am terrified of it creating more animosity between my brother and i. Literally i just want everyone to get along. So i want to thank everyone for your input.
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I think that "waiting" to see if you are going to inherit something from a parent--wasted time.

Mother held that stupid "will" over our heads our whole lives. Cutting people out, favoring one kid over the other...ugh.

I actually have a "debt:" owed to the trust. $1500. What for? Don't know. It's a posthumous "FU" says my son (who's an attorney). It HURT to read that. SO bad.

My brother who is the executor finally sat me down and told me the exact amount of money I should inherit. $9,875.

Good night nurse! I can't buy a crappy used car for that! Mother still acts likes it's some secret, but we all know.

Sis who "borrowed" $70K and didn't pay it back will inherit the same amount.

Wills are just what they are---a "gift" of sorts. IMHO, don't expect to inherit anything and you won't be disappointed.
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worriedinCali Jan 17, 2019
I’m so sorry! That bill does sound a posthumous FU. I can’t believe your mother would do that!
Kind of similar situation here with my SIL and borrowed money that will never be paid back. My MIL took out a home equity loan and let my SIL, fresh out of college with an entry level job, borrow $95,000 to put down on a house. (Because she didn’t save a down payment. As soon as she got her first post-college job she decided she needed to buy a house). MIL saw it as an investment so she gladly took out a huge hone equity loan and the money was supposed to be paid back after the house was sold years later (it was a small starter home not a dream home). Well housing prices sky rocketed not long after that and then crashed down and I know the house was refinanced to pay off SILs student loans somewhere along the line. It’s been rented out for over 12 years now because there hasn’t been enough equity to reimburse MIL & put some money in SILs pocket. Anyway.....MIL passed last June so her “investment” is now lost, SIL will get to keep all the money when she finally sells that house PLUS she gets 1/5 of the money when MILs house is sold and the proceeds distributed amongst the 5 kids. She got an equal share of all of MILs assets (cash in the bank and retirement.) The only thing about the whole situation that bothers me is that I know that if the tables were turned and it was my husband who had borrowed the money, she would have never let it go and she would have written him out of the trust since it wouldn’t be fair for him to get the money she put into his house AND a share of her house. She would never ever do that my SIL because she was the favorite. And she would never do it to my BIL because he is the irresponsible one who needs her help. My husband was always the responsible one which put him at an advantage in her eyes, if he had nicer things and could afford to do things because he was financially responsible then it wasn’t fair that his siblings couldn’t afford to travel or have nice things too. I know i probably shouldn’t think like that but it’s hard not too after years and years of this.
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Thank you all for your help. I have discovered a lot of things that she would never tell the truth about. That’s okay because it’s her business but when it effects others she is being kinda selfish. She does have the issues with lottery tickets that she told me she stopped and I believed her even when my brother told me she was at the store everyday. I even found out when I brought in a ticket that I was given and the lady asked what I wanted. I said the $10 she said your not like your mom. I think my brother was a little hurt but they both lied to me, then I was looking for some paperwork to get to the bank for the refinancing of the farm si she could help my brother out. Here’s another lie. She said it was for tile he put in and paid for. I said did you get a receipt so you can claim it. All of a sudden no he id claiming it. Now it was for the crops because there was a lien on them. I really don’t care and I don’t want anything to do with this mess and never have. It’s their business but they put me in these situations. I have to put up boundaries but I feel it’s too late. We have no debt and I don’t want another mortgage of 150,000 on a 3 million farm. Did I mention that when I found out she has two life insurance policy for 5,000 each and she doesn’t remember anything about it. She didn’t even have to pay s premium for. But each policy she owes $6.000 on or more. She plays dumb. She took a loan out for 1200 in 1991 and every year they sent a statement for the interest she ignored it. Thank god they were whole life and she has like 3400x i found so much when I started doing her bills i just cried. I even found her credit card mess. Don’t ask. Then I feel like I once again made my brother leave. I thought I could trust him. Again hoping to be a part of his life. So, I would vent to him about the mess. But once I had everything sorted out it was okay. Not perfect but okay especially now. You know this is awful to say but I don’t think my mom really wanted us close either because we might find out what was going on. Every time I talked to my brother immediately she wanted to know what we talked about. But I know that when my brother started farming with my daddy and then he took over he was paying her nothing in rent of the farmland. I know I need to stop blaming myself for all of this and I did for the longest time. I need to just turn it over, it’s funny my brother always thought I was the favorite but he really was the golden one. That’s okay. Everyone is loved different. My mom lived through me and I was the little girl who had to hear all about my daddy’s affairs. She puched me to be perfect and to look good which you know turned into anorexia. But that’s in the past and we have moved on. Even if there would be a very slight possibility that my brother talks to me again I will not even bring up anything that happened. Sorry for the long message. I had to get out of my head. Thank you again for your support
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I read once not to tell anyone what was in your will. Then they could be mad at u after u died.

A will is private. Its Moms money. I think she has to honor Dads will but what she was left is hers.

Freqflyer is right in that Mom may need care later and her money will need to be used.
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My parents had always acted like they were part of the witness protection program. Anything health wise, anything financial, it all was a huge secret.

It wasn't until my Mom passed, and Dad didn't want to bother with bill payment duties, I found out the extent of the financial situation. I had to grit my teeth to keep from screaming because all the frustration helping out my parents with running here, running there, grocery shopping... car needed inspection... Mom wanted to try a 3rd hearing aid place... Target had a sale on jelly... pick up pills from the pharmacy... run to the post office box to bring to their house junk mail, etc. for over 6 years, all while I was working full-time. My gosh, they could have hired a "driver" to be on call along with matching 401(k) contributions without making me a nervous wreck driving. Where was my helmet, I needed to bang my head against the wall :P

Staffbull, even if your Mom left Fort Knox in the Will to the grand-daughters, there may not be much money left over as Mom ages and needs to pay for more help, or even Assisted Living, etc. There will be major sticker shock.
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Oh yes. My mother was quite paranoid when she made her last will. I was appointed executor but never had a copy of the will. Mother passed in December and it was only after that that I found out from her lawyer what was in it. Not a good idea. I found out that she wanted to be an organ donor but it was too late then.
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My Mom seemed to hide things...even from herself. I accidentally found back accounts. One was a passbook laying in the bottom of her sewing basket. After she passed, I went into each bank in town to ask if Mom had an account there. Even with that, it was two months later that I learned she held a mortgage on a condo for my cousin.

If money was involved, yep it was a secret.

but, her will was no secret to me. Only thing that wasn't.
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Hi, Staff! I was just thinking about you and how you were doing. Remember, what your mom does with her will/money is up to her as long as she is competent to make these decisions. For all you know, she could have left those girls $25 each. No cause for concern there. Should not be a constant source of discussion. And FIL is still the “Happy Wanderer”, huh? As long as they are aware of where he is, don’t worry about it.

As for the funeral preplanning, this is my experience: my mom and dad paid for years for their final “preparations”. They bought plots from an aunt who moved out of town. I remember when Dad died in 1995, my husband paid for Dad’s burial and he got a free marker b/c he was a vet. Was about $2,000. WELL...when my mom passed, she had continued to pay on this plan that they set up through cemetery. Decades at about $36 per month. She passed in 2016 and I swear, I have no idea what she paid for. I multiplied what she paid by the years she paid it. She paid over $10,000. When I went to make her arrangements, I found out it would still cost us $7,000. She had no funeral, no service and not even a casket. She was cremated and buried. The cemetery fee was $3,000 and the marker was $5,000. I will never convince myself that we didn’t get royally ripped off. Were it up to me, I would set up a trust through her bank to be used only for her final expenses and only that.
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Staffbull18 Jan 25, 2019
woe. Thank you. I don’t know if you remember but I found two life insurance policies for $5000 each that she took out a loan on each for 1200 now she has a 6000 loan on both due to the fact she didn’t pay the interest on them or paid on them since 1991 . She didn’t even have to pay for the policy somehow her disability paid the premium. She got statements once a year saying to pay the interest she just filed it. She knew what she was doing back then. At least they are whole life and they have built a cash value for like a couple thousand. Now she has decided to make payments, i am just letting it go i have no control over anything except my myself and my actions. Great to hear from you. How are you doing. I have been thinking of you also.?
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