My mom agreed to sign a refinancing to keep her in her home and help my business pay off some debt, but now my brother is standing in the way of this. What are my options?

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The refinance would pay off her credit cards (Which my brother the POA has been using for years to the tune of over $50k), free up her income because I would be paying half the mortgage, and allow me to pay off a high interest business debt with cash out from the refinance. The way things are my mom can no longer afford to live in the house and this would allow her to do so. The day we were supposed to sign the intent to proceed my mom went to the ER with a kidney infection. My brother decided to exercise his POA and told the doctors not to communicate with me and told me that no financial transactions would occur until further notice. My mom is totally competent and agreed to sign the refinance, but now refuses to because of my brother. The loan agent says they can proceed with the preparations without any other signatures right now. My brother is totally out of line and is really standing in the way of what is not only beneficial but necessary. My mom is coming home next week. Last week my loan, which would have already been paid off if we had proceeded when my mom got sick, went into default and my accounts were seized. I'm now facing bankruptcy. I have been my mom's constant companion and caregiver for 30 years. My mom's mortgage is so high because she mortgaged and refinanced her house to bail him out five times. He is in charge of everything and is mishandling it all, mingling accounts and interfering in my mom's care and independence. And now I can't even pay my rent. I know my mom doesn't legally owe me anything but I am devastated, betrayed and completely bewildered. I contacted an attorney but the reality is that I need this refinance to go forward NOW. Without another day to spare. Not only to keep my mom free to live at home but to keep my livelihood going for my daughters and me and to stop my brother's credit card use. I have told him I am aware of it and that I contacted an attorney. I asked him to talk with me. I told his wife about it. I pleaded with him to tell my mom to go forward with it. He refuses to respond.

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ChiGirl, I believe your brother's concern is what if your Mom developed a serious medical condition and needs to stay in assisted living or in a nursing home. Or have full-time around the clock caregivers which could run as high as $20k per month.

And what if Mom cannot afford a nursing home, average $10k per month, then she would need to sign up for Medicaid [which is different from Medicare]. Medicaid would see that your Mom "gifted" money to you, and "gifted" money to your brother [if within the past 5 years] thus Medicaid would turn down her Medicaid until a later date. Then what?

I remember when my Mom was still very sharp for being in her 90's until one day when she fell and hit her head. In that instant everything changed. She had to live in long-term-care at $12k per month.
I'm so sorry, you must be so upset. I think freqflyer might be cutting your brother too much slack to think he's stopping this refinance because he's thinking of your mother's future. But she's right to point out that if your mom needed to apply for help paying for a nursing home at anytime in the next five years, money she gave to you or your brother would prevent Medicaid from paying for a residential care placement. And it doesn't sound like you or your brother have tens of thousands of dollars to pay for a nursing home. Read some of the posts on this board from people who have ill, elderly parents and Medicaid wants a payback of money that is long gone. They have no options.

I think if your mom can't afford to live in the house, she needs to sell it and look for a place she can afford. She should cut up all her credit cards and use prepaid cards or debit cards only. She can't give any more money to her children.

Bankruptcy isn't the end of the world. It is just a restructuring of debt. It's painful, but lots of people live through it and come out the other side. Best of luck to you.
Mom's house was just appraised at around $1M. She makes just over $5k a month in pensions and social security. My brother makes about $250k a year. I'm the only one with nothing, of course largely due to the fact that I've been running our business alone and taking care of my mom full time since she lost her vision from macular degeneration 7 years ago. I knew that it was too late to put my name on the deed with her, but of course my brother put his name on it--just over five years ago. Wouldn't you know? lol. I asked my brother to transfer his half of the house to me and let me refinance the house and take over the mortgage and all of the bills, freeing up all of Mom's income for whatever she wants to do but not affecting Medicaid look back. I also said that if she wanted to live somewhere eventually that cost more than $5K a month, then of course I would be totally on board with selling the house. The thing is, I've sacrificed a lot to stay near my mom and care for her while my brother was making his career strides, living overseas, and being able to pay off his debts every few years via my mom and having her as his personal ATM. Realistically, I can no longer sacrifice my life for this situation when I literally have no savings and am now back below square one.  I'm fifty years old. It is very expensive to live here. My apartment alone is $2,000 with utilities, and I am barely even home because I.m always taking care of Mom. My daughter is home schooled and I don't have time to help her at all. I'm frankly tired of exhausting myself and ruining my own future for people who honestly do not care about myself or my daughters at all. I guess I got the short end, the raw deal or whatever. It is what it is. I thought I could salvage this, still keep our family home (which really does not need to be sold right now, despite with bro says) and really help out my mom by freeing up her income and staying with her to care for her. I do not see Medicaid being necessary unless Mom lives ten more years (she is 91 and has been in decline for a number of years already). When I see my bro making plans to bring in a round the clock nurse, reverse mortgage the house, etc, when I and my EMT husband have been essentially living with her for two years  (he sleeps there every night to take care of her and I take over in the morning), and want to stay with her and pay all of her bills....well, it just all seems fishy, spiteful or both ,especially since the only reason there is a mortgage at all was to bail out my brother so many times.  I guess I need to just cut my losses and do what I need to do now, since the reality is that my mom made my brother in charge of everything, bailed him out repeatedly and gave him half of her house. She is also standing mute now as he tells doctors and nurses not to even talk to me about my mom's condition or treatment. I guess I now just take solace in the fact that there are about five hundred other people on here in the same situation.  
I appreciate all of your help! Sorry I had to do a new account because I just could not log in. Thanks!

Often on this board you see stories where the major caretaker has really sacrificed to do what they thought was right and it just seems completely unappreciated by everyone. I'm really sorry you are going through this.
ChiGirl, if your Mom has an income of over $5k per month, your Mom could move into what is called Independent Living if she is able to still do things on her own. These places are like living in a hotel. The monthly rent usually includes weekly housekeeping service, weekly linen services, and 1 or 3 meals in the common restaurant style dining room. And Mom would be around people her own age.

Mom could sell her house, and take whatever equity is still there, and put it into a savings account just for her care. Then she doesn't need to worry about real estate taxes, which must be sky high, plus utility costs, and high homeowner's insurance.

That way, Mom is in a safe place, and you can go back to try to piece together your business without rushing home to check on Mom.
Chi, no one can PUT his or her name on a deed. The only way someone can share in title is for the fee holder to execute a deed conveying (a) to him or herself as well as the additional party (you or your brother) or (b) directly and exclusively to the other person.

People CANNOT add themselves to deeds.
Garden Artist - semantic problem - it is true that people cannot add themselves to deeds directly, but they can trick, threaten etc. to get the elder to do it for them. Comes down to the same thing. But you are quite right - we all need to be precise in use of words to avoid misunderstandings.
Rovana, good points. My thoughts were also that anyone who "adds" his or her name to a deed is committing forgery. And there's a good possibility that the deed is defective when amateurs draft it.

Someone who tricks or manipulates an elder to change a deed is more likely engaged in elder abuse, which I think would be based on a different standard of proof in court.

My concern when in a post that someone "put" his/her name on a deed is that there's an assumption made by posters that it might have been an elder abuse issue, when it could have been a forgery issue - two different levels of prosecution and proof.

Thanks for pointing that out to me!

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