My mom (91) has dementia and is in a nursing home. She is verbally mean to her 3 daughters. What to do? - AgingCare.com

My mom (91) has dementia and is in a nursing home. She is verbally mean to her 3 daughters. What to do?

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She tells us "I have no daughters, they abandoned me." "Take me home" When we say she cannot go home for her own safety, she turns mean and throw us out. Nursing home recommends not to visit as often. It upsets all of us, Mom included. What to do? I was thinking 1 day a week for each of us. She is good to staff and other patients. If we come and she is in the common room, she is pleasant to them. When we enter, she starts her complaining and hatefulness.

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As SueC1957 stated, your Mom's brain is "broken" and it doesn't work right. Many people with dementia and Alzheimer's become upset and angry with their family members but are nice and cooperative with the staff. Sometimes they don't even recognize their loved ones.

I think that you are overwhelming your Mom when all three of you visit at the same time. Decrease the number of times that you visit your Mom. Maybe each sister visit just once a week or rotate weeks so that only one family member visits each week. It is hard not to visit so often, but sometimes that is what is needed so that the resident can get used to their new surroundings.

Once your Mom has settled in, maybe all of you could have a family dinner in a private dining room and you bring some KFC chicken or some food that your Mom loves. That way you can all visit with your Mom at the same time.
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Reply to DeeAnna
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Dear threesisters,

I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is when you are trying to do your best and your mom is so upset and hateful in her speech.

I wonder if you can talk to the doctor or nurse. Maybe consider family therapy or joining a support group. I found it overwhelming to see my father as an old man. I was trying to jump through hoops doing this or that to make him happy. But he had vascular dementia and I had the thinnest skin of anyone I know at that point in the journey. I wished I had reached out to a counsellor or talked to the doctor more about what to do to make the situation better.

Maybe staying a away a little bit might be the way to go.

Thinking of you.
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Reply to cdnreader
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it may be her way to try & change your mind and let her go back home.

maybe eventually she will get tired of doing it and give up

perhaps trying to kill her with kindness with small gifts each time you visit. baked goodies. fresh flowers. a special pic colored by grand kids etc

im also sorry, I know how hard it is.
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Reply to wally003
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They usually take it out on their loved ones.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Three sisters,
You are breaking the cardinal rule of having a family member with dementia... you are taking what they say PERSONALLY.
Please read up on dementia.
The brain is "broken". She would never behave this way if it weren't for her disease.

You must develop "thick skin" when it comes to dementia sufferers because their normal "filters" are gone.
They say anything that pops into their head.

I agree...back off for a week and then see how it goes.
Remember, their brain is sick.
Try to remember the good ol' days.

I'm sorry for all of you. This is one of the hardest things to get used to.
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Reply to SueC1957
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She may have not been in for very long? It is a huge adjustment. Stay away for a couple weeks. Then have a rotation where you visit every 3-4 days.....right now she is angry. Talk about the old days...when the conversation turns nasty, say gee whiz look at the time, so good to visit with you, gotta go.. Even with alz. or dementia, nothing good comes from letting them give you a tongue lashing.
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Reply to Mincemeat
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