My mom (87) has been in Memory Care for 8 months. Today she told me she was “lectured” by the Director of Memory Care about being depressed!

Vlange.......my mother constantly gets me to overreact to her dramatic portrayals of how someone is treating her. It's the Boy Who Cried Wolf story though, so after awhile, you listen with half an ear to ALL of it. That can be dangerous too, which is why I'm a proponent of the Fact Checking Program. My mother is a huge liar too though, which makes for an even MORE difficult situation. She will never take the blame for something, which means she has to make up lies to support HER version of what happened. For example....she fell in the shower in her 2nd week in memory care. The charge nurse called me, as is customary, to let me know of the fall. I asked what happened.....my mother insisted the caregiver lay down towels on the floor when she stepped out of the shower, which she subsequently slipped on. I know For a fact the MC does not use towels on the floor For this very reason, and why I was instructed to purchase a bath mat to use. The nurse agreed the caregiver was in error by succumbing to mother's bullying. When I spoke to mother, she accused the nurse of being a "dirty liar" saying she NEVER asked for towels to be put down. With my mother's brand of BS, it's a lose-lose situation for ALL concerned.
I hope you can figure it all out....good luck!

You MUST 'fact check' every single thing that comes out of your mother's mouth, especially if it causes you upset of any kind. Afterward, set up a care conference with the director & speak to her/him directly, voicing any concerns you have. I'll betcha dollars to donuts the ED was suggesting your mom engage in some of the activities offered in the community, which might contribute to her feeling more cheerful (or something like that). My mother is in Memory Care as well, and I can tell you that most of what she says has a tiny bit of truth in it, but it's at least 80% made up. Paranoia plays a role in their perception of what is being said to them, normally, plus they're waiting for someone to say something just a tiny bit 'off' and then it will be totally blown out of proportion and exaggerated to the nth degree. At least that's what I find with my mother and her 'stories'. She has always loved drama, and nowadays, with moderate dementia, simply THRIVES on it. Unfortunately.

If your mom is in a half-way decent Memory Care community, I find it highly unlikely the executive director is THAT clueless to be 'lecturing' any of the residents about anything, especially something medical such as depression. They are generally the most compassionate & empathetic people you'll ever meet........it's the residents who tend to distort what others are saying to them. Not always, but generally. You have to remember that dementia changes face CONTINUOUSLY....what was yesterday, may no longer be today. That's what keeps everyone off balance.......that constant change of behavior. It's what makes the disease SO particularly difficult to deal with.

Best of luck!

Is it possible this didn't happen at all...?

Do you mean the Director was trying to get your mother to "buck up" out of her depression? And your mother didn't take these no doubt well-intentioned words well?

What your mother perceived as a "lecture" may have been no more than what other people would consider a sympathetic and cheerful pep talk. In a way it doesn't matter, because it's what your mother takes away from the conversation that counts; but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that the Director is a tactless idiot who knows nothing about communicating with Memory Care residents. More probably the Director doesn't yet know enough about your mother.

So, all the more reason, you should feed this back. But do it nicely, and constructively, with the aim of improving communication between the people who are actually there.