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My mom acts like she is scared to walk. She has this baby shuffle and can barely stand up. But yet she will move around her room only if I ask her to sit in chair or bed she starts this.


I am working on getting her physical therapy to strengthen her legs. But last nite 3:30 am she's sitting in the chair and pooped and peed on everything. As I'm telling her what's going on she's telling me I didn't do this or that and it's mess everywhere. She's looking at poop and acted like it was nothing. It was hell cleaning her. And she's telling me I'm killing her. Now I'm wondering how to deal with this. I can't put her in shower chair everyday. I have two depends on her. But how can I handle this!?! I was exhausted back killing me she was spent as well. I know I need help but I have none. I need a good plan. And any suggestions would help... Please!

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You are no longer capable of caring for this level of dementia in your home, my friend, it isn't safe for either one of you. You can wind up dying before you mother if you're not careful....it happens often. Check out the Memory Care and Skilled Nursing facilities in your area now, and look into applying for Medicaid if necessary. You can visit every day if you'd like and go back to being a loving daughter instead of a caregiver.

Ignore comments suggesting you martyr yourself and keep in mind your mother needs more care than you're capable of providing her at this point.

Best of luck
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It might help to read a lot about the progression of dementia. Becoming incontinent, recognizing feces, not being able to walk or even stand, is common in the progression. Later, she may not be able to sit up, hold their head up, speak, feed herself, chew or swallow. Often people who have dementia are not mentally capable of processing how to do physical therapy. I'd explore that with her doctor and the therapist. If she can comprehend, it might help. Also, her skin may be very delicate and the cleaning feels painful to her. My LO's doctor described it to me as my LO's mind had declined to that of an infant. It's a tough situation. I'd consider how the care will only intensify moving forward and explore ways to get help.
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My mom lost the ability to recognize the need to use the toilet and the sensation that she had actually gone years before she became "end stage". A funny (?) story as told to me by the caregiver.... it was a new caregiver's first day and when she helped mom up from the toilet mom released a torrent of pee and loose poop all over the floor. "What's that?" asked my mom. "That's poo!" replied the caregiver. "Oh dear" was mom's response.
How do you handle it? Try to manage her diet so that she is more regular in her bowel habits. Adding psyllium fiber may help firm things up, but ask her physician's advice before starting any meds or supplements. Have her sit on the toilet or commode fr 5 to 10 minutes after she has eaten, it is a natural time to go and I figured catching even the occasional bowel movement was better than the alternative. And... do not rule out a facility. I thought I could take care of my mother until the end but I was wrong, it isn't necessary to let it reach the breaking point like I did.
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I doubt “God bless, don’t get frustrated, it’s worth it!” is helpful or encouraging when cleaning poop off someone who is arguing with you every step of the way— and she never gets a break.

Placing an elder is not carelessly “sticking them in a facility”.
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PuffandMochi Jan 2020
Loopyloo: I know you also mean well and I do too. However, our approach may be different. Placing a parent in a facility may or may not be an option for this family. If it is not an option then caregiver needs to 1. Recognize progression of dementia 2. Tap into resources for support in for care at home. My mom passed away on the 9 th of December. She was on her 8 th year of Lewy Body Dementia. She went to the hospital with a UTI and came out fully incontinent and unable to walk. Facility placing was not an option for my sister and me due to finances as mother’s assets were tied up in a different county for which we would have had to go to court to tap into and she did not qualify for any other kind of help. It was only after in home hospice made an assessment that we got more support at home. My sister and I were “it “24/7 with a few little breaks here and there. We both cleaned up many a mess while my mom was agitated and confused screaming, so I am talking from personal experience. This season will pass as ours did and now I would give anything to be able to serve my mother again . I have no regrets. I gave her my best and I would do it again. I wish you would reconsider your admonishment.
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Miss everything: It sounds like your mother is approaching end stage, please talk to your doctor and confirm. It is possible for your mom to not recognize excrement so please do but be frustrated with her. I know you are tired and you are a great daughter for caring for your mom in a selfless way. When she passes away you will have no regrets I promise you. It’s worth it!! However, please make sure you are getting daily breaks somehow. If your mom can pay for home health aides to come and help you please do so. If she does not have the money there are government programs for which she may qualify to get in home help. Go to your local DSS office to inquire. As your mom’s dementia progresses her physical needs will be greater so start getting prepared for that. I do believe that your mom’s inability to walk is real even though it looks like it comes and goes. If she has Lewy Body Dementia her mobility will fluctuate putting her at risk of terrible falls. You may also tap into Hospice care. They are incredibly supportive to family caregivers and your mom may be meeting criteria. Please hang in there. Be encouraged. This will pass. You are a loving and caring daughter.
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I just read your previous posts. You are putting up with an awful lot to take care of your mother. Back in February 2019, you were going to write a letter to your brother who lives 30 mins away and doesn't help at all. Did you do it?

How is it that you got stuck with your mother? Does she pay you rent? Does she pay for utilities/food?

You get up multiple times a night with her. You must be sleep deprived. That is a form of torture.

When will it be time to consider a facility for your mother? Why haven't you already?
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PuffandMochi Jan 2020
CTTN55 I know that you mean well but you make it sound as if being a caregiver of a loved parent is the same as “ being stuck”. Her mom is clearly incontinent which is clearly part of dementia progression. The dementia it’s taking its course. A facility may or may not be an option for this family. Who says that as soon as one is inconvenienced with incontinence one is to stick parent in a facility? Miss everything clearly needs help but if it’s her choice to care for her mom at home God bless her! There are resources that can help her. I am sorry but sound harsh and insensitive.
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