84 year old In laws had ( are) been living in an Assisted Living Facility. Both with early to mid stage Alzheimers. One of two sons passed away in 2018 from massive heart attack. FIL had comorbidities that lead to his passing this past January 2022. He was in Hospice for 3 months. They were " attached at the hip". Never apart. 63 year marriage. Since dad's passing mom is struggling with the nighttime. The quiet....alone....darkness...dad not there. It's overwhelming for mom. We have a private caregiver ( companion) during the day to help with activities and conversations. Mom is active during the day, goes to exercise, plays games with other residents, eats in the dining room. Private Caregiver stays until 7 pm when mom usually goes to bed. But once Caregiver leaves and the facility activities slow down mom goes into this overwhelming mode of being left alone. The facility aides come in and check on her several times during the buggy. Mom sees a therapist/ counselor for grieving. I have taken a pillow and put one of dad's shirts on it so she can hold onto it at night. She also sleeps in his shirts. We are setting up a white noise machine for her to use next. She has made a little "shrine" of dad's pictures in the corner of her bedroom to look at when she's in bed. She is on medication and doing better on it than without it. Without it she was crying all the time. Alzheimers makes this so difficult. She doesn't remember what caused dad to pass away even though I've written it down for her. I am aware there are some couples who pass away within a short time of each other. Does anyone have any other suggestions on what we could do for the "nighttime"?
Fortunately, I live at home and don’t have dementia at age 81, but I still miss the comfort of sleeping with my husband.
One thing I like is a vase of fresh flowers I can see and focus on when I’m falling asleep. Also, I wonder if there is a scent available that would remind your Mil Of her husband. It could go with the pillow with his shirt. My husband wore Aramis for decades, and every so often I take a good whiff of that.
January 2022 is extremely recent. It is important for her to let those emotions of despair and loneliness and devastation play out. If she can express them verbally or in writing, encourage her to do so. Daytime activities are great and will help her build some connections at her facility, but they do not eliminate the need to feel all the emotions that she is feeling.
A counselor might help, but if her Alzheimer's is still mild enough that she can participate in group conversations, a support group might help even more She and other people can tell their stories and share their shock and listen to others who are going through the same things. She might learn she is not insane nor is she alone in her loneliness and shock. There are online support through churches, Hospice organizations, or connections from Alzheimer's Association.
In my own early months of widowhood, a support group helped me feel I had not gone entirely insane. I was alone most of the day and night and did not talk to many people, but I wrote down my feelings and I wrote "to" my deceased spouse and I wrote everything I felt. At first I wrote for several hours a day. It was a big help in getting feelings out in the open and off the "hamster wheel" in my head. Counselors may recommend "journaling," which sounds unnecessarily formal. Just write what you are thinking--curse words and all. If MIL is not up to writing a lot, cold you arrange a way to tape her verbally so she could just talk about how she is feeling in the middle of the night? (PS_I wore my husband's "cancer hat" at night for a while. I still wear shirts and jackets of his and thank him for his wise choices in something comfortable.)
Does mom use the Internet?
https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-grief-support-groups-4842333
If not, perhaps the national hotlines are available 24 hours and she could call whenever she wants.
https://www.opencounseling.com/hotlines-us
I am so sorry for your families loss.
May The Lord help you all find a way through this difficult time.
She must really feel his absence when everything settles for the night. After all, this is usually when a married couple is truly alone together with nothing pressing for their time or attention.
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