Quite a narcissist. She gets all her narcissistic supply from my husband and doesn’t care much about staying at her other kids homes, who are also i am sure relieved that they don't have to bear with her behavior for no more than couple months at a time.
I have suggested many times that she lives 6 months here and 6 months at other kids homes. But whenever she goes there she has some drama there and very soon tells my husband to get her a ticket back to our place. My husband doesn’t have the guts ( or maybe the desire) to say no to her. He keeps reassuring her that our home is her home and she doesn't need to stay anywhere else.
What should i do…
Did you expect to be in a 3-way marriage? Was it discussed beforehand? Or expected?
Did you think it would be ok but the reality is different?
Husband's expectations;
Did he always expect to house his Mother? Does he expect Wife & Mother to harmonioulsy get along? To not require their own space? Maybe he never thought about it..? Does what Mother tells him to do..? (Never questioning a parent's authority).
MIL's expectations; that an adult child must house & provide for her? Due to custom? The old ways? What she did for her parents/in-laws? Does she think it is her choice which adult child must provide her housing? Do the adult children get a say? Or does she expect obedience?
WAY too many questions!! Sorry!
You can see this can be hot topic.
It may take a very culturally sensitive marriage councellor. If you have a religious/faith leader, I'd start there. For some 1 to 1 support then leading to couple councelling.
Having that third person to explain each other's viewpoint can be very beneficial.
Hey, just an idea: become a so-called “narcissist” yourself, if that’s what it takes to reclaim your own life!
What she says or does effects her marriage as well.
You're the easiest to get along with, so you get the prize? Um, nooooo.
When she's at their homes, something happens to make her uncomfortable and unhappy. What could it be? Other daughter-in-law refuses to become her narcissistic supply? Other son refuses to spend time with his mom because he values his wife and family over her? Maybe her daughter tells her to shut up and won't cook for her? Do you know specifically how the "drama" starts?
Find out. Then start your own drama. Make your home unpleasant for her. You do have the right to stand up for yourself and to keep your home happy for yourself. At present, it isn't. You need to create an atmosphere that is not what MIL wants.
In other words, you are being too nice to her. And you're being too nice to your husband, too. He is your problem. She is your nightmare. You can fix both, but it would involve becoming someone you didn't think you were. It's up to you whether you want to do that.
Is there a possibility of treating this situation as one might a difficult roommate situation?
For example, if you work from home, maybe you can spend your days at a library, coffee shop, or shared work space? If you are expected to cook, maybe put something in a crock pot and tell husband and MIL to help themselves but you will be at [fill in blank...yoga, book club, walking group]. For cleaning, maybe a housekeeper? (At least they get paid for their labor.)
Go to bed early with earplugs or white noise; leave early the next morning.
If these are options, you are the envy of many who contribute to this forum.
If husband expects you to care for and serve MIL, then you do have a marriage issue to sort out. And it will be a tough one given the longstanding male expectation that unpaid care work is women's work.
Good luck to you!
Uncle basically divorced himself from his whole extended family over this.
I think it was more like the family disowned uncle because he chose his marriage over his mother. Good for the uncle. Too bad more husbands weren't like your uncle and put their marriage and lives first over their parents. I am sure uncle would never have had to worry about getting any type of immigration status if his mother hadn't chosen to come to the USA.
I don't see how the sisters played a part in his becoming a legal citizen or being a doctor. If the culture is that the male child gets everything and the female children get the shaft (very common in Asian and other cultures) then this mentality and mindset needs to be changed not encouraged and supported.
Trying to say uncle owes his mother and sisters his entire life in care giving for his mother is not fair.
Whether you want to live the rest of your married life that way is up to you. He will not change.
My mother is 98, your MIL could also live that long, keep that in mind.
If you wanted to leave this situation , would you be able to support yourself ?
How long has MIL lived with you ? ( how long married ).
Is your husband willing to go to marriage counseling ?