After a number of years of falls, infections, poor hygiene, and another hospital stay, my aunt, sister and I decided it would be time for my then 92-year-old grandmother to be moved from her mobile home into an assisted living facility. This was in 2020 during the pandemic. My grandmother agreed to move into the assisted living facility that was connected with the rehab that she had been in several times. At that time, we cleaned up and placed her mobile home for sale. It took a couple months to sell. Her health immediately improved. After several months of us paying for the assisted living and realizing the money would quickly evaporate, we found a medicaid-approved assisted living facility nearby and moved her there in March of 2021. She has become much more social and her heath has remained fairly good. She turned 95 earlier this month. Medicaid pays a portion and we continue paying the remainder. The money is running out so there will come a time later this year when we do run out of money, where the facility will place a second resident in the apartment my grandmother lives in. The two residents will then share the cost and my grandmother's medicaid as well as her social security will cover the costs so there won't need to be any additional monetary obligation from the family. My grandmother piles on the guilt trips. She claims we pulled the rug out from under her and basically forced her to leave her mobile home. She complains about this pretty much all day, every day. My husband and I visit her every weekend and bring whatever groceries, etc. that she needs. My sister lives out of state, my aunt hasn't been able to visit except for a couple of times over the past year. My other cousins cannot even be bothered to call her. I honestly have tried to do what feels best for her but it is hard to deal with the negativity, the attempted guilt trips, etc. She hates living in assisted living, she misses her home, and so on. The things she said sometimes is pretty mean. I don't expect her to love it but I nearly dread spending time with her lately and that makes me sad.
I visited the AL at different times, different days and was satisfied that the facility was good and he was safe. Once I was satisfied I decided that it is just my dad’s new way and accepted it unfortunately that is the reality of my relationship with my dad.
I also keep in close contact with the facility’s DON (director of nursing), as well as the ED and AD as my dad complains constantly that there is nothing to do and yet he refuses to go to activities specifically devised for him. Ughhhh
once you as satisfied that the facility is good, the staff is attentive you will learn to blow off the complaints.
Best wishes
Then stick to it. Do not visit her for a while. Call her after a few weeks of being absent. Very likely the complaining, negativity, and guilt-tripping will be greatly reduced.
Put your arms around her and say other positive things like “you’re the most courageous person I know” which is true, isn’t it? She has had to face life after the extraordinary tragedy of the murder of her loved ones. Two abusive husbands. The hard job of waitressing for years, cheerfully giving good service even when some patrons are being jerks. How do you keep chugging along after all that? She really is courageous to keep going and going.
Tell her you love her, and that you sleep better at night knowing she is safely where if she needs help, she can get it 24 hours a day. That if she were home alone, you would be fearful for her, and you want her to stay safe.
And don’t forget to tell your husband how appreciative you are that he is in this caretaking with you!
Also, I think all of us here on agingcare.com are in agreement that you deserve thanks, too, for taking such good care of grandma. She is so lucky to have you.
But I feel you on the guilt trips. "This place you put me in" — so much fun to hear!!!
That is life, you made the rough choice of doing what is best for them. Safety above preference. Your LO will most likely never understand this, but end of t he day you have to accept why you did what you did, and come to terms with whatever action comes about said choice. Life often does not have a happy ending, we just have to make due with what we got.
Fact check everything that's told to you, that's my suggestion. Every time my mother would make an outrageous claim in AL, I'd call the administration to check it out. 90% of the time she was making up stories. Sometimes I'd show up in person to SEE with my own 2 eyes that she was laughing it up with the others playing bingo (or whatever) while she'd just told me there was 'nothing at all to do' and yada yada.
Take what grandma says with a grain of salt, and leave when the kvetching gets too much to bear. Remind her she's where she belongs, safe and sound and well cared for, and how proud you are of her for being such a trooper. Buh-bye until next time. Then put it all out of your mind.
Best of luck!
You realized when she entered residential care that her previous surroundings were not safe or manageable for her.
So since you did your part, you are NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE for listening to her complaints. This is ESPECIALLY TRUE because you have good reason to think that the ACTUAL FACT is, that she’s doing well there.
Now the hard part- if she’s going to whine, complain, guilt you, etc., STOP BEING HER AUDIENCE.
At the first sign that she’s ready to perform, stand up, go to her, kiss on the cheek, brief hug, EXIT.
“We’re going to leave now Grandma. We’ll see you again real soon. Bye!” THEN DO IT, no more discussion, smile and a wave, OUT.
No one benefits by her present conduct, least of all her. Chances are good that she DOESN’T miss “her home”, but you KNOW that she’s in a far better situation now.
Good luck. This will be difficult for you. Ignore the stuff she says.
I find that people are who they are and they remain who they are throughout the vagaries of aging (which IS hard, I can attest at 80, and which is NOT for sissies, as the saying goes). I was a nurse and found the adage true also that we die as we lived. It's true that those who lived gratefully almost always die that way.
I think it is perhaps on YOU not to pick up the luggage that grandmother sets down, to train her a bit by cutting visits full of unhappiness short.
My brother went into ALF at age 83 after a diagnosis of probably early Lewy's. Always organized and trying to make things easier for folks he continued in that manner. Once said to me "You know hon, this isn't what I would have chosen for myself; I am more private and now I can't be. But it's a bit like when I was young and was in the army. I make the best of it". Which he did when young. And which he did when old. We would sit and giggle as the others went at it over whether Olga could have the shades pulled so she didn't deal with the glare in the dining room or whether Estelle could have the shade OPEN so she could have the sun. Said my bro: "It's kind of like a 60s commune isn't it? Where we had to have meetings every week to iron out all the squabbles".
This is life. It isn't always easy. So shrug, sympathize, and say "I know it's hard; you are very heroic about it". And on you go. Wishing you good luck. Remember, Guilt is for felons. What you are feeling is GRIEF. Grief that you aren't god and can't make aging perfect. Welcome to our world.