My live-in ex-husband with dementia thinks we are still married. How can I be of help to him if I'm still resentful?

Any house that takes both of your incomes to manage, and that requires you to live in with your ex husband who has dementia and expects all sorts of things from you, sounds like a house that needs to GO, and GO quickly. Get rid of it, no matter what's required. No 4 walls are worth your peace of mind and all of what you're going through! Why would you agree to such an arrangement and why wouldn't you feel angry and resentful?

Once the house is sold, the proceeds can be used for his care in a Memory Care ALF.

Good luck!

Yup, a house that takes both incomes is a big house, too big for YOU. Even if you always liked the house, it's not what you NEED now. You need an affordable place to live your own life. Divorce is about separating your life from his, not continuing to live with him, resent him, and ‘be of help to him’. You may be ‘a very caring woman’, but you shouldn’t be caring for HIM. He needs to organise his own life, and his own cooking and cleaning. And that’s what you need too. Let go of him. Let yourself go too.

How severe is his dementia?
I cannot imagine living with an ex. There is a reason you divorce; that's so you can leave them. Sell the house, divide the assets, get a lovely little studio rental. Your husband likely would have a Fiduciary appointed by the state if he has no family. Home would be sold per the wishes of any one of the owners in California.
You were his wife. You are divorced. That doesn't make you his nursemaid. If you live there, cook, clean, and pay for the mortgage, then you are not truly divorced.

Are you divorced? Was there a separation of the property as part of the divorce proceedings?

When we divorced, there was a court-ordered division of assets. We sold the house and split the profit. What were the terms of your divorce?

You are in a very bad situation and it will only get worse as your ex's dementia gets worse. Do you have durable power of attorney for your ex-husband?

Given that both of your names are on the house, you need legal advice as to whether or not you can force a sale, divide the proceeds and put his half toward paying for him to live in a facility. Once his monies run out, the facility will apply for Medicaid on his behalf.

Were your ex to die suddenly, you will no longer get his income and then what is going to happen to the house that "takes both our incomes"? You need to see an attorney ASAP to protect yourself.

I have been divorced and I too wonder why the house was not sold and proceeds split. Or one of you buy the other out. IMO, you have problem now that he may not be able to make informed decisions or be able to sign a contract to sell the house. If you have POA, u may be able to sell it.

What he thinks and what you do are two different things. If you are divorced then look at him as a roommate. As a roommate you are not responsible for him. He now has a Dementia which will only get worse and you are not obligated to care for him. You may want to call Office of the Aging or even Adult Protection Service to evaluate him for services. Eventually, he will need to be placed somewhere if he becomes 24/7 care. At that time you refuse to do that care. He is a roommate an ex. Let the State take over. But, if you do this the house may have to be sold so his half will pay for his care. Especially, if you can't pay bills on your own or do upkeep.

You may want to start thinking about your future. A person suffering from Dementia gets self-centered and loses the ability to show empathy. Then throw Narcissism into it...You may want to find a place you can afford. Then put your ex on APSs radar. For me, it would be better to sell the house and take my half and get on with my life. Its hard enough to care for someone you love let alone an ex that you have a bad history with. Very kind and caring can be a bad thing. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished. If you try to care for this man, it will be harder to get the authorities involved when you can't or don't want to do it anymore.

I am not trying to be a smart a** but I really think that you should look up what the word ‘divorce’ means.

This guy has it made in the shade and you will grow more and more resentful!

Find someone who can help you. Get advice from an attorney and perhaps see a therapist to help you sort through your emotions. There are therapists that look at income and adjust their fees accordingly.

Walk out. Close the door and never look back. Either that or kick him out.

Downsize, enjoy your new freedom! Never allow him to worm his way back into your life again. Once you close that door, keep it closed.

Best wishes to you.

I will try not to be too blunt. But divorce is breaking away. And it does not sound like you have done that at all. Divorce is done for a reason, of which I am sure you felt strongly about, to put it down on a legal paper. Now you need to enact it. You are being used, by the sounds of it not much different then before. If you always do what you have always done nothing will be different and it will only get worse with age, medical problems, dementia, etc. You are not a rug to be walked on. You are now divorced and have a right to make a new life for yourself. Now if you want to be divorced, make the break now, don’t wait.

Sorry that you are in this situation.

Please consult a lawyer who deals in family law and geriatrics. He/she can help you with options to deal with joint custody of your home that will get you out of this situation. Personally, I think your best option is to sell the home, find a nice small place for yourself, and allow "the state" to care for your ex.

So, why are you still in this situation? Get an attorney, sell the house, take your half and go....let the state handle your EXhusband.....