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My mother is 94 and has some type of cognitive decline and deficit. She does not make good, safe or wise judgments about people and thinks she always needs to say yes to everyone for everything. She is all bent over, and must use a walker to even put one foot in front of the other. She moved from another county 7 months ago to AL near me. When I took care of her previously, I did not allow anyone to take her anywhere because of a history of lapse of consciousness. At that time I always drove my mother to wherever she wanted to go to meet her friends for lunch or dinner. I sat in a different area of the restaurant so that my mother could visit with her friends unencumbered. At the AL they will not prevent her from going with nonfamily members. These people do not let me know what their plans are and they do not have POA authority or any other medical documents for my mother. These people are in their 50s. I am 70 and the only one who shares the medical POA with my mother. It seems to me that they have an inappropriate, financial agenda of some sort with my mother. In the past, even her trust lawyer was concerned about these same people. I have told these people that my mother has dementia, thinking they would respect her limitations and not do things like this, which I think are irresponsible on their part. They drive 4 hours to visit my mother and stay overnight and take her somewhere to do girl things. What is that? And I am sure that she pays for everything. There is at least a 40 year difference in their ages.
I am so frustrated and concerned. I do not think this should be happening. I believe a normal thinking person would not want to take the responsibility of the risk that some emergency could happen while they have my mother out somewhere. What would they do...Would they call 911...Would they call the AL...Would they call me...I am not sure they would. My mother does not understand or acknowledge her physical or mental limitations as real and certain facts. She lives as though she believes she still has the faculties, both physical and mental, of a 60 year old. Consequently, her friends treat her in that same way.
I do not like the feeling that I have when I think about these people, who I believe want something from my mother that is inappropriate, putting my 94 year old mother with dementia into their car and going to who knows where, for who knows what, and for how long, with the possibility that my mother will again have another lapse of consciousness. Also she is under her doctors care to manage her very high blood pressure, which is as high as 220. Her doctor says if it is not brought under control soon, she will have a stroke and she will die. My mother still thinks that taking and charting her blood pressure daily is unnecessary. I just want to scream about all of this nonsense.
In your estimation, is there any firm reason why these people should not be taking my mother in their car, away from the AL... Is it bordering on elder abuse... Or, am I being completely unreasonable, and should I be glad that my mother has friends who will take her places...
I would like some input from others who have been faced with the same or similar situation.

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No, this does not sound right at all! Her trust lawyer does not like them. That should tell you something.

Who are these people? How did they come into contact with your mother since they live a 4 hour drive away? Where are they spending the night and what are they doing?

Maybe, it is time for your mother's mental competency needs to be evaluated again. Her mental state may be such that she is no longer safe living in assisted living.

Get her checked out soon and see what else you can learn about these "friends" who are decades younger and live so far away and have so much 'mystery' about themselves.
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Since Mom is in assisted living and you have POA, if this situation concerns you, then you can stop it. Why haven't you?
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Well, I'll just say this - when I was stuck in an LA skyscraper with an elevator that was going up and then down without anyone pushing its buttons, I sure appreciated the people who, like your mother, stayed calm. A screaming fit would have helped no one and would have simply interfered with the conversation over the emergency phone.
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i dont think poa should have ANY power to overrule the elders wishes unless the elder has been deemed incompetent by a judge .
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Cap, if the courts were used to declare incompetency every time someone cannot make wise decisions themselves the system would be completely overwhemed. Believe me I KNOW there are POA's that just do vindictive things for a variety of reasons. I do not know what the answer is, maybe facilities can become more involved and simply disallow people of concern only be permitted to visit if at the facility?
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My MIL is 91 and Mother is 96. I can't see how i could stop them from going some where. POA power only goes so far. Good luck. I understand your concern.
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magpark, who are *these people* who are in their 50's? Are they grown children or grown grandchildren of a very old friend of your mother's from decades ago?

Why I am asking is that back in the 1970's my hubby and I just happened to have met an older couple on a cross-country train trip, and to this day I still communicate with the wife who is now 98 at least twice a year [I am 68]. If I had lived a reasonable distance from her, I probably would meet up with her and we go out for dinner.

With your Mom's health issues I can understand your concern. Why wouldn't these people call for help [911] when out with your mother if there was a need?

How does your Mom feel after being out with them. Is she all smiles or in fear? If all smiles than I would just try to get more information on who they are.
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Oops! You're right, Babalou, it's county. Magpark, on re-reading your post, I see that you have talked to them, you do know them. Maybe you weren't direct enough. You say you told them about her dementia "thinking they would respect her limitations." Maybe you assumed too much, maybe they don't understand the implications of her having dementia, since they're so much younger. Did you tell them about her blood pressure issues? Her previous losses of consciousness? I think this is one of those cases where being direct and complete might help. Call them, tell them you're concerned that they may be blindsided by a medical emergency when your mother is with them, make sure they understand fully her condition and see what they say. I can't imagine what financial agenda they might have other than maybe an occasional expenses paid weekend. And if they spend their time with your mother, and she enjoys it --- have they maybe earned it?
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You need to take your mother for neuropsych testing which will demonstrate her inability to reason. Pictures of the brain are one piece of the puzzle;a neuropsychologist can demonstrate what she can no longer handle on her own. You need to pursue guardianship. Please talk to her trust attorney about finding an eldercare attorney who can help you with this.
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My 94-year-old mother has always had much younger friends. She goes places with them and does things when they visit and it's great for her. Since your mother had been in this country only 7 years, these younger friends obviously can't date too far back. Nevertheless, I wouldn't jump to conclusions about their relationship. Are they from your mother's home country? Maybe she reminds them of their mothers or aunts or grandmothers? Is the key here, your getting to know them? You say you don't know where they take her, etc. Have you asked them? Have you informed them of her medical issues and what to do in case of an emergency?
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