Follow
Share

I feel horrible about placing her in an home. She has been using boxes and paper towel to do her duty in. She has urine incontinence and in the last visit to the er, they found out she has been infected with Cdff. I had to Clorox my entire home, buy new mattresses, etc. My husband, a disabled veteran has tried to pick her up as she's fallen many times and tore his rotator cuff. I am also caring for him with parkinson's, 3rd stage pulmonary fibrosis, diabetes, agent orange, neuropathy in all limbs, etc. Taking turns taking each of them to different er's. Mom had been hospitalized with the cdff and diarrhea and then moved to a rehab center. She cries and begs to come back home and has the nurses call me so she can beg to come home. She has lost majority of her memory and most times I am "that girl". I will be 70 and cannot do this alone. She has Medicare part A and B and a supplement of Cigna F. Anyone have any suggestions what to do. I cannot afford special care. I am looking into Medicaid and help from the VA as my dad was a veteran. Am I doing the right thing? What do I do when she cries to come back home? The guilt. I've had her living with us for 8 years now and taking care of her all that time. My sister "disowned" her 8 years ago and my brother has died of brain cancer. Please please advise if anyone has gone through this!!

Find Care & Housing
Get your mother a hospice evaluation right away. Dealing with Cdiff, dementia & all the rest & now being dehydrated is just too much. There is no winning this game. You're at the end of your rope with too much going on as it is, and I'm sure your mother is at the end of hers as well. My mother is 94+, wheelchair bound with advanced dementia living in Memory Care (and yes, it's the right decision to place an elder with tons of issues where they can be cared for by TEAMS of people 24/7) and I pray daily for God to come take her Home. Enough is enough. She's in chronic pain and complains continuously; all she has is misery and 'wanting to go home' which is really more of a desire to go back to a place in time than a brick & mortar building. I don't blame her. Advanced old age & dementia is nobody's friend, yet we feel the need to do everything humanly possible to keep these elders alive to 100 and beyond. WHAT FOR? That's my question, and one you need to ask yourself.

If hospice is warranted, avail yourself of their services and allow your mother the dignity and comfort she deserves now. Being poked, prodded & fitted with tubes & IVs in an effort to be kept alive to endure MORE misery is an exercise in cruelty, in my opinion. These elders don't deserve to have their lives extended when their 'lives' consist of nothing but pain & suffering.

Wishing you the best of luck making decisions that are in yours and your mother's best interest. God bless you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

You can no longer do this. You now have the opportunity to have her placed longterm. Ask for a 24/7 evaluation. I am sure she needs 24/7care. Where I live rehab and longterm care are in the same building. Just a matter transferring the patient over.

If Mom has no assets, only her SS and/or any pension, you should have no problem getting her on Medicaid. The only problem u may have is the cap allowed in your State. My State its a little more than 2300. If it is a problem, some States allow a Miller Trust where the overage is placed.

I would not bother with VA at this point. If Dad fought during WWII, she may be entitled to Aid and Attendance but that is not enough for the cost of a NH. And it takes months to get it, if you do. You can't have both and Medicaid is the higher pay. Besides A&A I don't think there is anything available for a spouse of a Vet longterm. And if there were, like a VA home, you may need to wait for a bed. You need help now.

I would tell the Nurses to please not call you unless its something to do with Moms care or an emergency. Tell them that her calls only upset you and there is nothing you can do. That you are caring for a disabled husband too.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
Mareebee Jun 7, 2021
I respected your soothing response to my dilemna. Mom remains in rehab but is now suffering with dehydration I am deciding on hospice or comfort care do you think that is the right decision? Please advise......they want to give her an iv but I don't think it would be what she wants. And she is pulling it out. She does have DNR
(0)
Report
I am so sorry for your grief. C-diff can be a killer to the elderly and disabled and often antibiotics don't work. A fecal transplant often works at once, almost miraculously, but there is a lot of angst around this as you can imagine, and FDA is slow to approve research further. Your Mom does remain infectious to others, but in all truth, if one is not immune depressed or s/p antibiotics it is rare to catch it from another.
That said, your Mom is now too ill to be cared for at home. There is no fix it. There is only placement. You cannot sacrifice your own lives for her no matter the grief of all you are witnesses. As with so many situations in life, this cannot be changed, and your trying could make you very ill indeed, which is no answer. Please allow your Mom to mourn and grief what aging has forced upon her, and grieve it with her, but please don't sacrifice your own health to this as well. It isn't an answer. Do know that nothing YOU did with the incontinence care caused C-Diff. Most often it's cause is immune suppression and/or general illness treated with antibiotics.
I am so sorry for your grief. Be certain not to use the wrong G word (guilt) as this is not your fault. You can only do the best you can, and you ARE doing that. Allow Social Services to help you wade through placement, application for guardianship if you don't have POA and Mom can no longer competently confer it upon you, and with paperwork needed for medicaid if her resources are depleted.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
Mareebee Jun 7, 2021
Dear Alva,

I respected your soothing response to my dilemna. Mom remains in rehab but is now suffering with dehydration I am deciding on hospice or comfort care do you think that is the right decision? Please advise......they want to give her an iv but I don't think it would be what she wants. And she is pulling it out. She does have DNR
(0)
Report
Marebee, I am so sorry for all your troubles; you certainly have a full plate.

One person cannot care for two disabled elders. You will die in the process and they will BOTH be left with no one to advocate for them.

Your FIRST responsibility is to your spouse. Your mother needs to be in a facility "because the doctor says you have to, mom".

Ask the facility to have their geriatric psychiatrist evaluate her for meds; it sounds as though she is depressed and agitated. Have them check frequently for UTIs which can cause behavioral changes. With frequent diarrhea, this is quite probable.

((((HUGS)))))).
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report
Mareebee Jun 7, 2021
Dear Barb


I respected your soothing response to my dilemna. Mom remains in rehab but is now suffering with dehydration I am deciding on hospice or comfort care do you think that is the right decision? Please advise......they want to give her an iv but I don't think it would be what she wants. And she is pulling it out. She does have DNR
(0)
Report
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter