Refusing help is just quicker & easier. Easier to say NO than make reasoned explainations. But refusing can mean many things...
I don't WANT that. I don't THINK we need that. You children are interfering - WE are the ADULTS & know best. I am in control here!!
Or... I don't understand. I am overwhelmed. I don't know who to call, what to say, how to arrange any help. I am getting confused.
Make it simple for them. * You need some help. * We can help you arrange it. * Having some help will keep you in your home longer. * Or you can move into Assisted Living.
#1 Age in place or #2 Age in another place (assisted living)
Repeat this speech over & over, every call, every visit. Wear them down.
Basically: accept change now or change will be forced onto you.
Even with mild cog impairment or dementia, some will see the sense (or even be slightly relieved), trust you to steer them right & choose to change their mind - to accept your help.
Others do not. Fear, confusion, paranoia mingle you do indeed have to wait for a crises to force change.
Why not give #1 a go first?
If no good - await the crises, then #2.
There is also #3 Age in place (YOU provide all the 'assisted' part). You take over everything they can no longer do to keep them happy at home. This can start small but ⚠️ this has mission creep!
Maybe paying bills online or arranging groceries delivered?
Can work well. But can blow out to cook, clean, meds, groceries, bills, home maintenance, transport. This can lead to you moving in (or them with you). Then you fall over with stress & they are placed into care anyway.
Thank you for your answer. Some of the siblings have discussed both #1 & 2. The others refuse to acknowledge they need help. No one has POA or any info on finances. They trust no one. I’m afraid #2 is going to be what happens when they have no choice. We want to try to mitigate it but they will not listen.
Can you tell us what's currently going on with them that is worrisome? The forum participants may be able to give you some helpful suggestions in the interim to buy some time while you figure out a more permanent solution.
I should mention we do not live near them so our info is second hand. Not taking meds insisting they did, unplugging the emergency alert system, thinking things are missing and being stolen. Angry outbursts, not knowing heating oil ran out. Thinking everyone is out to get the and place them in a nursing home.
Or, you wait for a crisis to occur, have one or both shipped off to the hospital/ER for treatment, sent to rehab to recover and then the rehab will refuse to release them back to independent living. That is when THEY have NO other choice but to be placed in managed care or have 24/7 help inside their home. Sometimes, this is the only way to force help on elders who refuse it themselves.
You say they refuse help. If they both have dementia it may be good to have APS do wellness check. If guardianship is required then it will be time to discuss with family both who is capable of this and who wishes to do this job. It is a massive job if placement is required and it is against their will.
i think that having a 3rd party evaluate the safety and living conditions would be helpful. I know they would not allow someone in and the sibling that is local would not insist they allow it. It is a bad situation all around. Thank you for your answer.
But refusing can mean many things...
I don't WANT that. I don't THINK we need that. You children are interfering - WE are the ADULTS & know best.
I am in control here!!
Or... I don't understand. I am overwhelmed. I don't know who to call, what to say, how to arrange any help. I am getting confused.
Make it simple for them.
* You need some help.
* We can help you arrange it.
* Having some help will keep you in your home longer.
* Or you can move into Assisted Living.
#1 Age in place or
#2 Age in another place (assisted living)
Repeat this speech over & over, every call, every visit. Wear them down.
Basically: accept change now or change will be forced onto you.
Even with mild cog impairment or dementia, some will see the sense (or even be slightly relieved), trust you to steer them right & choose to change their mind - to accept your help.
Others do not. Fear, confusion, paranoia mingle you do indeed have to wait for a crises to force change.
Why not give #1 a go first?
If no good - await the crises, then #2.
There is also #3 Age in place (YOU provide all the 'assisted' part).
You take over everything they can no longer do to keep them happy at home. This can start small but ⚠️ this has mission creep!
Maybe paying bills online or arranging groceries delivered?
Can work well. But can blow out to cook, clean, meds, groceries, bills, home maintenance, transport. This can lead to you moving in (or them with you). Then you fall over with stress & they are placed into care anyway.
Take care with option 3.
and place them in a nursing home.
Good luck!