My husband is 84 years old.
In 2014 he had a widow maker heart attack and a stint was placed.
In 2015 he was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer Stage IV
In 2016 he had an Aortic Abdominal Aneurysm and had a stint placed.
In 2017 his prostate cancer moved to the bone
December of 2017 my husband stopped seeing doctors and he stopped taking all medications, against doctors orders. Since that time my husband has been on nothing, not even an aspirin, and no doctors at all.
After quitting all medications my husband seemed like a new man for awhile. He lost a lot of the weight he gained from the meds. His mind was clearing up and he felt great and looked great, UNTIL a few months ago.
He has lost all muscles in his arms, and legs and is nothing but a walking bone.
His eyes are sunken and he is often confused about things just as he was when he was on medications and the reason he stopped taking medications.
His legs are swollen so bad they look like elephant legs, the ankles were the first to explode and now it is the entire leg and feet.
He has shortness of breath now and is so weak that it is hard for him to stand let alone walk. More so than before. He couldn't walk very well before due to his dizziness and bad feet. But now it is due to weakness and dizziness.
He sleeps constantly all day long and has a hard time breathing laying down.
It was bad enough for me to deal with all this back in 2014 when it first began, but now, since he no longer sees a doctor or takes medication I am mentally worn out. Emotionally destroyed and sick to my stomach everyday wondering what today will bring. I find myself crying at the grocery store, washing dishes or alone in my room in the house.
It is hard to just sit here and watch someone die. At least when you go to a doctor, whether you take medicine or not, at least the doctor will tell the patient and the spouse if they are doing better, doing well, doing awful, or if dying how long they have to live. This helps the survivor plan for their future. As bad as the news maybe, at least you know !!!!
I asked my husband how sick do you have to get before you will go see a doctor again? And he says, he's thinking about it, but he never says yes.
So day after day, I watch him deteriorate, and sleep in his easy chair, with labored breathing, and find myself often sitting next to him listening to see if he is breathing at all, or looking for his chest to show some signs of life. What a way to live, having to check to see if your husband is a live or dead every time you enter a room.
I don't understand why he can't just go see a Doctor, get blood work, an EKG, an X-Ray just to find out. But I think he is afraid to find out. And so,
I hate my life. Because I don't have a life and haven't had a life since 2014.
I've seen counselors but they keep assuring me that there is nothing I can do to make my husband see a doctor because he is of sound mind. They sympathize with me, but they can't help me. Nobody can help me. Not a church, or anyone. The only person who can help me is my husband by going to see a doctor and getting himself checked out.
His children don't see him hardly at all, but when they do they tell him that he needs to get off his butt and see a doctor to see how he is medically. But my husband tells them that it is his personal decision.
I'm writing this not because I expect anyone to help me, because nobody can, but I'm writing this to perhaps help someone else who is going through the same thing I am. But then again, I'm wondering how many people stopped seeing a doctor or taking any type of meds at all? I'm curious how many? Especially with everything my husband has? How can he live so long without treatment?
And what is awful about all this is that I find my life now evolves around waiting for him to die. And I've gotten to the point of hoping it will soon. And that makes me more depressed and not very happy with who I am anymore.
He has to be in pain. Maybe he will welcome Hospice because he will get medication for that.
So sorry ur going thru this.
Your husband's diagnosis of metastatic cancer should enough for him to be admitted to hospice. Please call hospice and request they come and evaluate him. They will provide support for both of you during this time. They have nurses, CNA's, clergy, social workers etc. available at all times. AND(this is the big one) they will be able to keep him free from pain and also to help him die with dignity, the way he wants to. God Bless and be with the both of you!!
As far as Hospice is concerned, there has to be proof someone is dying, right? My husband doesn't see a doctor anymore, so I have no proof he is dying except for what I see and know from when the doctors did see him.
This is my problem that I face everyday. Is my husband dying? I think so, but where along in the process is he? A few months? 6 months? Another year perhaps? This is what I'm talking about. I DON'T KNOW !!!!
Don't you have to have doctors recommendation that he now needs Hospice care in order for his insurance to cover it?
He won't allow anyone to come in and see him...PERIOD. I have had a Home Health Nurse want to see him and he refused.
I've posted before and didn't want to bring this up again, but my husband is a Narcissist and severely paranoid. He believes doctors are trying to kill him. He believes that doctors murdered his first wife. So I deal with mental issues as well as physical issues.
I feel resentment about him not seeing a doctor to see where he is in life, because I have applied for a Senior Citizen Apartments two years ago, thinking my husband didn't have very long to live. I can't afford to stay in this house once my husband passes away. But he refuses to move, and therefore I had to turn down the apartments when they came available because I couldn't move at that time. You are only allowed to turn an apartment down three times before they remove you from the list. I have been removed.
Today, this morning, I found a cute and cozy, mobile home in a Senior Citizen Mobile Home Community, close to where I live now. A place I've had my eye on for a long time, the price is right, and I would give anything to buy this home.
But I can't. I would need his income in order to buy this home in order for me to sell our current home. So I have to pass it buy. He will never consent to move.
I see so many possibilities for my future passing me by, because he refuses to plan for my future. And if a doctor told me he had another year to live or two, then I could deal with that. I think a person can deal with anything if they have some type of time line to go by.
But not knowing whether he has few months to live or 2 years to live, makes it impossible for me to really have any tangible plans for my future. And, I feel resentment and I feel betrayed because I wished I was married to a normal person who believed in doctors, even if he didn't believe in medicines. At least married to someone who cared about me and my future. But that has never been the case with us.
I can tell you though that around the dying phase, not even hospice could tell me how long she might have left. One nurse who came about a week before her death told me that she could live a few more months in her condition. For me, that was unthinkable, because I was barely surviving doing 24/7 care for a helpless, immobile, incontinent parent.
There are websites that can help you estimate how long a person has to live based on symptoms. I found these more helpful than the doctors or hospice workers. At the time my mother became bedfast, I estimated her survival time as 1-2 weeks based on the website. She actually lived 12 days. Try that - I think the Mayo clinic online provides some of this information.
Hospice is the way to go here, as Barb and others have said. If he has Medicare Advantage, you will need to find a hospice that's affiliated with his plan. Also you may need his doctor to sign off on it. The one who diagnosed his cancer moving to the bone would likely agree to sign off on it.
He will probably have pain if he has cancer in his bones. He will need morphine or some other strong medicine. Hospice will prescribe that for him. You and he both need this.
For you, please start reliving your life. Do things for yourself. This is your time to begin the process of moving ahead alone. The time you have with him left make it the best quality time as possible. These are very hard choices to make I understand that but you need to start moving forward for yourself. Accept his choice & move forward.
I will keep you in my thoughts as I know this is very distressing for you.
Start calling today until you find one who will send someone out to see him. Don't ask his permission; just do this. It's for you.
Here is why you should.
#1 Hospice will not even attempt to make your husband accept any treatment he does not want. They will completely respect his wishes. Honest. I promise you (or, rather, you can promise him).
#2 They will be able to relieve symptoms that are causing him needless pain or distress.
#3 They will support YOU as his primary caregiver. And your husband has no right to say there's no need for that, at least.
I understand his fear of being pushed into things he doesn't want, and his being sick of treatments, and all of that. But you can tell him he's a fool if he won't accept help from people who are genuinely on his side.
And you don't need his permission to call for advice. Would your doctor be able to put you in touch with the right services?
Hugs to you. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. We're here whenever you want to vent.