Find Care & Housing
Too many people don't realize that the money they've been saving up for retirement is for their care, not for inheritances. Even those who did the saving don't often realize it, but yes, your husband deserves the best care money can buy.

My dad would have had a heart attack if he'd known how much we now spend on care for my mom, because they were living very comfortably on about $25k/year in their golden years. Now I spend that in 2 1/2 months just on the nursing home, but that's OK -- she can well afford it. Good investing has increased the value of her estate in spite of nearly $10k/month in rent and pharmacy bills, and she's worth more now than she was before going into the nursing home.

Tell his kids to chill out -- it's still Dad's money until he draws his last breath.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to MJ1929
Frances73 Jul 21, 2021
My Mom fretted about the cost of her AL because she "wanted to leave something to you kids." I told her to spend it all on herself, none of us was in need.
If he can afford it, It’s his decision, not the children. Best wishes to you and your husband. Don’t give it a second thought.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

The two thoughts are not mutually exclusive, BUT if his kids are PREMATURELY thinking of THEIR CUT in HIS CASH, they need to BACK OFF.

I’d go with your husband to a geriatric financial planner who can help you and him set up some protections just in case “kids” overstep their bounds.

If you deal with a lawyer, ask him to recommend a financial specialist. Sometimes commercial banks provide this service if you have a large enough account with them.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to AnnReid

Is there even such a thing as a "low cost facility" if you are paying privately? Not where my Dad lived.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Marrey
Frances73 Jul 21, 2021
It’s all relative. Mom's AL was about $4300 a month in central Ohio. We could have spent upwards of $6500 but she liked the one she lived in. It was her choice and she was very comfortable there. Lots of AL facilities have amenities that look good on the tour but are little used by the residents. Things like pubs, coffee bars, fitness rooms and beauty salons. I would pick the one that is the best fit for your husband and convenient for you to visit.
You are the one that decides his care. Current spouse trumps children. UNLESS he had designated one of his kids as POA for health care or financial decisions. If this is the case you might have a fight on your hands.
You might want to talk to an Elder Care Attorney to determine what the best course of action might be. Money that has been saved should be used first for his care THEN if anything remains that is the inheritance.
I suppose your option now might be is to both move to a facility that offers continuing care. Once you are in it would be more difficult to move him.
You do not indicate if he has any cognitive problems at this time. If that is the case this should be a discussion that includes him.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Grandma1954

I think his kids are thinking about their inheritance. We need a little more information. I hope he appointed you as his POA. It is his money and you do what is in his best interest. I would see a lawyer if I was you. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to earlybird

Find one that fits his needs. Many times someone chooses a place based on the lowest price only to find that the next year the cost goes up by several hundred. This may be to align with other care homes, added staff because the state requires it, cost of PPE due to COVID, or even because the care needs of the individual have increased.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to MACinCT

His money needs to be used for him to get the best care he can afford, not his children's inheritance!

If the children don't use his money to get him the care he needs, that is actually a form of financial abuse.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to cjwilson

As others noted, there are questions due to lack of some information.

Is your husband still competent?
Is/are his needs medical, cognitive or both?
Have the "kids" given a reason for their choice?

IF your husband is still competent, then POAs should not be in effect yet. It can depend on what type of POA and/or what conditions would activate them. We don't know what those are, so it is difficult to second guess.

Also, POAs generally are only for managing specific things like bill paying, signing some documents, some investing. POAs do NOT give the appointee the power to decide when or where someone lives. Repeat DO NOT.

You indicate the "Eldest son is his POA for investments" - if it is only for investments, then he manages how the funds are invested, but he would have no control over regular income? Most likely if your husband moves to a facility, the "investments" would come into play. IF he moves to ANY place, whether it's his choice or theirs, the POA would legally have to distribute the needed funds. It is NOT the POAs decision where or how much, it is their duty to MANAGE it as if they are the person and pay what is due.

You also indicate the "kids" are "not wanting him to go to the one of his choice..." Again, if he's competent (or was when he made this choice), then it is NONE of their business. It is dad's life, it is dad's assets, it is dad's choice. Period.

Since we don't have enough details or knowledge, the suggestions to seek legal advice might be the best bet. If there are questions about when the POAs are activated and/or what the POAs allow, the attorney should be able to answer them. Our EC atty told me we couldn't force mom to move - POAs don't give anyone that "power." He suggested guardianship. The facility wouldn't accept "committals", so we had to resort to fibs (that story's for another time!)

IF you feel these "kids" will raise a stink AND your husband is still competent, it might be a good idea for him to revoke the financial POA and assign it to someone more reliable, someone who will honor his wishes. The POA's duty is to manage everything as if they WERE the person, so if there's a chance this son would not perform his duty properly, it would be best to make the change while you (he) can.

IF your husband is no longer competent, but you have concerns about the management of finances, the next step would be to seek guardianship and conservatorship. These overrule ANY POA - the POAs become null and void. If you wish to be guardian and conservator, you would retain ALL the decision making, for residence, finances, medical.

Without more information, it is difficult to recommend much more than this. For instance, if his only income was SS, once he is no longer competent you can/should apply to be rep payee - this is the only real legal way to manage another person's SS income. It would take control out of any POA hands. The same may be true for a pension - I can only state that this holds for Federal pensions. You'd have to contact any private pensions to know what their rules are for managing the income. Does he also have assets outside the "investments?" Who manages his income and savings?

Regardless of what the details are, where he resides should be HIS choice. You've indicated he DID choose that place and whether he's competent now or not, that WAS his choice and his "kids" should butt out. Being his spouse, you should have more say/sway in the decision making. You should ensure that the place is all it's cracked up to be. A lot of window dressing can make a place seem better, but it's the care that matters most. Reviews can't always be trusted. Your eyes, ears, nose, taste and touch are what's needed to check out places. If they aren't locked down, go walk about at different times of the day and observe it all.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to disgustedtoo

What are your husband's wishes?
To be in something not so nice so that he could pass on the money to you and then presumably the kids, or spend his remaining time somewhere that is nice and may offer more opportunities for daily engagement? This is your call unless there's another DPAO.
The family should consider two things:
1. It's their father's money still,and should be used to support him
so that a move to a new residence meets his needs.
2. They should consider the example they are modeling for the own children and the rest of the family.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to ElizabethY

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter