Almost a year ago, my husband with younger onset frontotemporal dementia, started pounding wildly on faces of family members/friends he saw in photos around our home. This violent behavior has progressed to beating on the faces of people on TV and other electronic devices, along with screaming obscenities at the faces, and last week, he actually broke our flat screen tv with his pounding-the whole screen is now black when we turn it on. About a month ago, this disturbing behavior began to include pounding on bathroom mirrors when he sees his own reflection in them. I’m terrified whenever he does this, that the mirrors are going to shatter, and even though I know I shouldn’t react with anger, as it just fuels the bad behavior, I instinctively yell at him to stop it. But he just laughs maniacally, and begins pounding again. He’s much bigger and stronger than I am, and so I try to calm down and explain that I’m afraid the mirror will break and he’ll get hurt, and then try to redirect him to some other room. But I’m on edge constantly, not knowing when he’ll be pounding on some framed photo, device screen, mirror, and even pics of people’s faces in magazines, and the pounding is always accompanied by screaming or screeching swear words at the faces.
My husband’s neurologist has had me start him on a small dose of seraquel to see if that may calm him down, but my question is, where might this hostile behavior stem from? It doesn’t appear that my husband is having any unseen triggers such as pain, hunger, too cold, too warm, boredom, etc. Seeing the faces themselves, seem to be the trigger. He even raps with his knuckles on the photo faces of close family members on the fridge. When I asked him what he’s feeling when he does that, he said “I just don’t like them” and these are photos of our daughter, daughter-in-laws and nieces:-( I have no idea what to do-I can’t take down every photo in our home, not let him look at any magazines or electronic devices where he will see faces, or cover up all the bathroom mirrors! I’m so at my wits end with this nerve wracking behavior, and I can only hope that the seraquel helps to at least diminish it, or cuts down on the number of violent outbursts.
I'd honestly consider getting some mace or similar... better safe than sorry.
In the meantime, I have set up in home care that will begin in early December, so I will have someone in the house to help manage him, and provide a bit of safety net for me.
Cherokeewaha-it sounds like you are also in a dangerous situation with your husband, and as he actually DID try to choke you, you’re VERY brave to still be with him! I hope you have people nearby to help you, and that you have a lock on your bedroom door in case you are in a deep sleep!
So many of you are in the same difficult situation as I am, and it’s horrible for all of us. I keep thinking I want to keep my husband at home as long as I can because I’m very concerned about the cost of putting him in a memory care facility-they are so expensive, and whichever place he goes, the costs will continue to go up each year, but not so my income:-( So what do you do when you need to keep yourself safe, but to do so, your fear of bodily harm will just be replaced by a fear of running out of money?!? I do have an elder care lawyer, and he has explained that in order to qualify for MediCal, you have to spend down all your money as you can’t have over a certain amount, and while we aren’t wealthy by any means, we still are above the amount needed to qualify, and so I will continue to keep my husband at home since paying out of pocket for a care home for possibly ten years, while still paying off our mortgage, will dwindle my money down to next to nothing. There are no easy solutions in dealing with ANY aspect of dementia-for either the sufferer or the caregiver!
"If you are MARRIED and are admitted to a long-term care and you are expected to remain for at least 30 consecutive days, and you have a spouse who is living in the community, then your community spouse may keep a certain amount of the combined community and separate property. This amount is called the Community Spouse Resource Allowance (CSRA) and is calculated based on the day you apply for Medi-Cal. Increases are effective on January 1 of each year. The CSRA for the year 2014 is $117,240. The institutionalized spouse (spouse in the long-term care facility) may keep up to an additional $2,000 of countable property."
Source: https://www.dhcs.ca.gov/formsandpubs/forms/Forms/MC%20Information%20Notices/MC007ENG(0414).pdf
(NOTE: the copied section says that the CSRA listed is for the year 2014. It is likely much higher now, as it notes "Increases are effective on January 1 of each year.".)
ALSO, they should NOT be touching YOUR income. If you have SS and/or a pension, those are YOURS. The whole point is to ensure the surviving spouse isn't impoverished.
The document goes on to say:
"The CSRA limit may be increased if:
• The community spouse obtains a court order for his/her support, or
• It is determined through a fair hearing that both of the following conditions exist: a. A greater amount of property is necessary to generate income sufficient to raise the community spouse’s income to the minimum monthly maintenance needs allowance (MMMNA). The MMMNA for the year 2014 is $2,931 per month. b. Additional income is necessary due to the exceptional circumstances resulting in financial duress."
Again, these values are for 2014, but it does say that MORE can be held back by you in order to ensure YOUR income to a minimum. That was $2,931/month in 2014, likely much higher today. There can be other issues that qualify for the financial duress.
I would have another chat with this atty. Your spouse's assets, when they community assets are split, would have to be spent down. There are legit ways to spend it, such as burial and funeral plans, paying for care either in the home or in a facility. The atty or MediCal can advise you on what's acceptable for spend down.
If this atty doesn't know about the community spouse assets, find another one who does!
We don't live in CA, so it's self pay or Medicaid, but the atty was able to ensure mom had funds in a trust for her, and she was able to keep her SS. Once dad passed, she got his pension (that has to be a special sign up at retirement, which reduces the initial pension some, but allows the widow(er) to have the income when the primary passes.) Medicaid required his SS and pension (I wasn't involved in the details back then, but assumption is they took all his income.)