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I try to just let it go but he is really mean verbally and usually I find myself yelling back. I realize emotional control is one of the things affected by nph but I need a better way of dealing with it. Any good ideas? he refuses medication.
That has to be so hard on your heart. Even knowing it’s the NPH doesn’t make the words hurt less. Be gentle with yourself and remember you’re allowed to protect your own peace too.
You say you won't leave and leave your son alone with that mess.
Is there any reason you could not find a care facility for him? Talk to a certified elder law attorney about separation of assets, if you need to, to protect some money for yourself. Tour some care facilities and ask about costs. I don't know what your financial situation is, either you can afford the cost (after protecting and saving some money for your needs) or he may be eligible for Medicaid assistance.
It's easy to say, walk out of the room and refuse to engage. Don't take it personally. But as you have shared more of your story, it sounds like his verbal abuse is triggering to you because he's always been like this and demeaning to you. After 52 years of being married to someone who is mean to you, why would you expect that to change now? Perhaps divorcing him is the way to extricate yourself from this. A certified elder attorney can help you figure out how to provide care for your husband while protecting yourself.
Wow, this has really morphed into a different discussion and I don't know who to answer, so I will answer all that I haven't already. My husband has nph, my son has autism. I only mentioned my son because he is very close with his father and to see him leave our house would be so traumatic for him. Hubby is blind, hard of hearing and now has normal pressure hydrocephalus and all that entails, which is making it very hard for him to control his emotions. He has lost so very much these past few years and is frustrated, sad and angry about all these losses. He is still competent, even though forgetful and not good at planning or making decisions..
Since I am the one who has to do so many things for him, our relationship has changed and he thinks I am bossing him around all the time. It seems to have something to do with my tone of voice; he picks up my irritation or my frustration immediately and then gets verbally abusive. He lets others do things for him, but not me. He tries to do so much to prove his competence which usually makes more work for me instead of being helpful. Because he has very little vision, everything causes messes which I try not to fuss about.
I am going to tell him that this can't go on and start by leaving when he gets like that. If that doesn't work I will tell him he must go on meds, like it or not. I have been able to insist on other things and if I am really firm, I can turn him around.
Buried in a response to Loopyloo is the mention of autism, but it's not the husband:
"We live with our autistic son (high functioning) and he has a better relationship with his dad than I do. It is mainly against me that he has such a bad temper and it makes my son very uneasy."
Unless I missed something here, where did Autism come up? So, I'm going to reply to the question regarding verbal abuse.
Do not accept disrespectful behavior. Dementia or mentally ill, you don't stay around and take abuse. We can try to redirect or calm a situation but sometimes nothing will work. This is when it is time to detach as long as the person is in a safe place. However, if you have a type that is verbally abusive, and it continues, leave the environment and come back later.
I knew of a lady whose husband became physically abusive with his dementia. She had to place him in some type of care. He was employed as a Certified Nursing Assistant when he was younger and retired as a CNA. He became so violent that she called the police. Of course, his family got mad at her for calling the police. I saw this lady on the bus one day and we talked. I told her that she did the right thing by calling the cops. You have a choice to either protect yourself or become a verbal or physical punching bag to a sick person.
The internet has a way of hiding the truth about people who suffer from mental disorders or dementia making it seem like it is all roses and harps. It's not. Sometimes you must protect your own safety and well being. Coming out of denial and facing a situation for what it is worth is the first step. We love these people but their minds are broken.
Clearly I have missed something (at my age, quite a lot, likely), but why are we talking now of Autism? Because if there is a diagnosis of autism, already such a huge long spectrum...............I don't see how there can be any certain diagnosis, prognosis or treatment.
Docs where I worked as a nurse used to say in conversation that in medical it was all a mystery and that 70% of it is guesswork. And the Dermatologist chimed in with "for us dermatologists it's more like 95% guesswork. Eventually we hit on the right guess." Sad to say, much as diagnostics have improved since I was a practicing RN, I suspect in the realm of dementias, mental illnesses, brain traumas, the 95% still holds.
You are not the only one who "missed" something here because I certainly did ad have no idea how this thread morphed into an autism discussion either. Every bad behavior can't be blamed on "the spectrum".
Vacay, High functioning autism can come from the father, mother, or both. The difficulties you experienced with your husband in the past could explain his past behaviors as coming from somewhere on the autism scale. It is quite a challenge to live with autism, whether the behaviors are from a son, or harder from a husband.
Since that is a possibility (hard to diagnose Asperger's in an adult male when there was no diagnosis when your husband was younger) you can look into that. The reason you will want a correct diagnosis is that medication could be a problem for persons with asperger's/autism. Even a Tylenol, Aleve, Motrin has side effects often appearing as anger. Some vitamins and supplements may also cause problems: Ginseng, Omega 3 oils, or anything that speeds him up like an energy drink. Just guessing here. Trying to figure out what went on before he got worse, and prior to the NPH diagnosis.
Try to stop telling him what to do, stop correcting him, and allow him to suffer any minor consequences of his behaviors. Try this for a week. Look into the newer advice titled "LET THEM".
And of course do follow the previous advice about knowing when to leave the room, or leave the house.
Approach these issues from a place of strength and love, never fear or cowering. He must control his own emotions, and you are super-controlling your own emotions, above and beyond what a wife does-it will be what a super caregiver does. The professional distance of what a caregiver does will help you cope. It is unfair, but that attitude can protect you.
My ex was autistic with a touch of Aspergers thrown in, diagnosed late in life. He did street drugs his whole life, constantly. I finally divorced him after I'd had enough. The OP has other options here too, just sayin. She should not be expected to function as Superwoman in this situation and should know when to cry uncle, imo.
Your husband can accept medication to control his temper, he can go into Memory Care Assisted Living, or you can get your OWN place w/o him. Those are his choices. He doesn't get to "refuse" medication and take his temper and aggression out on you.
You will not get anywhere yelling back at him. As a matter of fact it will probably upset both of you more. A few suggestions. 1. And this is IMPORTANT...If at ANYTIME you feel that you are in danger you HAVE to call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you are afraid for your safety.
2. If he is being abusive LEAVE the room. If you can leave the house that is even better. Take a walk around the block or even down to the end of the driveway.
3. For your own safety you have to begin to look for a facility that will be able to care for him. I feel that you are going to say that you could not place him in a facility....Well. what happens when he hurts you and you need to go to the hospital and then possibly rehab. Who will care for him then? Who will care for both of you when you return home. (and this is if the injury you sustain is not a fatal one)
Now for the yelling.... Try this, it may work, it may not. Lower the pitch of your voice. Talk in a quieter tone. I think I read that men lose higher pitch sounds so if you lower your voice, lower the pitch he may hear you better and be able to process what you are saying.
I have to ask this...Is your husband competent or has a doctor said that he is no longer competent to make decisions? If he is no longer competent you make the decisions as to when and where to place him if it gets to the point that it is to dangerous for him to be at home.
And if YOUR doctor is unaware of what is going on please inform them dealing with the illness of a spouse greatly effects YOUR health.
You tell us in a response to others below that he has honestly "always been like this". Yet you have chosen to stay. Doesn't that kind of cover it? I can't think what there is to say other than that.
Yes, AlvaDear you are correct that my husband always wanted to be "the boss" and was rather difficult throughout our marriage. However, there were many good things about our marriage also and I do believe in marriage and do not think that divorce is always the answer. I chose to stay with him. The change he is manifesting now is another story. The angry displays whenever I tell or ask him something is really getting to me but I try and understand that his lack of emotional control and logic is due to his normal pressure hydrocephalus. It is just hard to remember sometimes.
Do not accept the refusal of medication. You do not deserve abuse, no one does, no matter the circumstance. Leave every time it happens, the minute it starts and let him know the living arrangements will change if he will not give medication a chance to help. You matter too
Thanks Daughter of 1930. You are correct. No one deserves this abuse and I will start getting firmer about leaving every time it happens and then work on the medication idea. I have some good ideas now from all the helpful answers!
Unless a person is physically debilitated, verbal abuse will graduate to violence at some point. Abuse is abuse and it really makes no difference if the abuser has dementia or not. Dementia is an explanation for abusive behavior towards others. It does not excuse it or make it acceptable. No one has to tolerate or live with abuse.
If your husband is not competent to make his own decisions anymore and you have POA (medical) you can have medication prescribed by his doctor and you can dose his food and drinks and not tell him.
If he still has some reason left, tell him that either he takes medication to help him or you will leave and he goes into a nursing home. Let him know that you will not hestitate to call 911 when he starts up. Then do it.
I'm so sorry for this ongoing, distressing situation.
Is he able to understand choices that are offered to him? Is he able to still use reason and logic, and can remember if he makes a decisions? I'm asking because before thinking of more drastic solutions, you may need to inform him of his options for him to stay at home and for you to continue to be his caregiver (for now): he takes meds to control his aggression.
If he refuses, the consequences are: 1) you call 911 and he goes into the psych wing of a hospital until he complies with meds, then is transitioned into a facility 2) you leave or he leaves
In the end you cannot force an adult to do something against their will and now you may be the only person who can change. In a short while, he won't be able to change at all. Maybe he's there already.
Have you developed a long-term plan as he gets worse? Are you his PoA? If not, much of the control will eventually need to go to APS and the courts.
Thanks for your advice Geaton777. The trouble with telling him anything is he always thinks I am trying to control him and if I ever said he had to make a choice about his options or go on meds, I am really afraid of his anger. He can't remember much, but he really thinks nothing is wrong with him and if I have an opinion at all contrary to his, he goes ballistic. Unfortunately after our 52 years of marriage, it has always been like this; so nothing is really new but just much more intense. There is no reasoning with him. The last episode we had, I did leave and went to a friends for a few hours, but he didn't talk to me for two days after that.. He has a hair trigger if I say anything he doesn't like. I am trying to make my own life and I realize that things may have to get a lot worse before I can really do anything about it. I do have a POA for him, so I can always go with that if things get really bad. But for now, I think leaving is the only thing that may change him around a bit.
Sendhelp you are correct in your assessment that he is no longer available for a relationship. Sad as it is to say, he can no longer listen or reason with me. All he does is blame his anger on me and expect me to agree with him that I am the problem. It is really hard for me to shut up and walk away, but I am trying hard to change my reaction. Thanks for your advice. It helps to see things from another perspective.
Loopyloo, I guess that is something I am just not ready to do yet. We live with our autistic son (high functioning) and he has a better relationship with his dad than I do. It is mainly against me that he has such a bad temper and it makes my son very uneasy. Mainly because I am the one who tells him what to do. If I left, I would be leaving both of them and leaving my son with that mess, I will not do. I think he would blame me also, not really seeing that this has been my husband's pattern for years; now much exaggerated. I think I have to bite the bullet for a little longer and try to pacify things by just walking away and not responding. As his dementia gets worse, it may be easier to deal with him or give him an ultimatum.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Is there any reason you could not find a care facility for him? Talk to a certified elder law attorney about separation of assets, if you need to, to protect some money for yourself. Tour some care facilities and ask about costs. I don't know what your financial situation is, either you can afford the cost (after protecting and saving some money for your needs) or he may be eligible for Medicaid assistance.
It's easy to say, walk out of the room and refuse to engage. Don't take it personally. But as you have shared more of your story, it sounds like his verbal abuse is triggering to you because he's always been like this and demeaning to you. After 52 years of being married to someone who is mean to you, why would you expect that to change now?
Perhaps divorcing him is the way to extricate yourself from this.
A certified elder attorney can help you figure out how to provide care for your husband while protecting yourself.
Since I am the one who has to do so many things for him, our relationship has changed and he thinks I am bossing him around all the time. It seems to have something to do with my tone of voice; he picks up my irritation or my frustration immediately and then gets verbally abusive. He lets others do things for him, but not me. He tries to do so much to prove his competence which usually makes more work for me instead of being helpful. Because he has very little vision, everything causes messes which I try not to fuss about.
I am going to tell him that this can't go on and start by leaving when he gets like that. If that doesn't work I will tell him he must go on meds, like it or not. I have been able to insist on other things and if I am really firm, I can turn him around.
"We live with our autistic son (high functioning) and he has a better relationship with his dad than I do. It is mainly against me that he has such a bad temper and it makes my son very uneasy."
“As his dementia gets worse, it may be easier to deal with him or give him an ultimatum.”
No. It will not be easier. And it will be impossible to reason with him or give an ultimatum. He will get angrier.
Do not accept disrespectful behavior. Dementia or mentally ill, you don't stay around and take abuse. We can try to redirect or calm a situation but sometimes nothing will work. This is when it is time to detach as long as the person is in a safe place. However, if you have a type that is verbally abusive, and it continues, leave the environment and come back later.
I knew of a lady whose husband became physically abusive with his dementia. She had to place him in some type of care. He was employed as a Certified Nursing Assistant when he was younger and retired as a CNA. He became so violent that she called the police. Of course, his family got mad at her for calling the police. I saw this lady on the bus one day and we talked. I told her that she did the right thing by calling the cops. You have a choice to either protect yourself or become a verbal or physical punching bag to a sick person.
The internet has a way of hiding the truth about people who suffer from mental disorders or dementia making it seem like it is all roses and harps. It's not. Sometimes you must protect your own safety and well being. Coming out of denial and facing a situation for what it is worth is the first step. We love these people but their minds are broken.
Docs where I worked as a nurse used to say in conversation that in medical it was all a mystery and that 70% of it is guesswork. And the Dermatologist chimed in with "for us dermatologists it's more like 95% guesswork. Eventually we hit on the right guess."
Sad to say, much as diagnostics have improved since I was a practicing RN, I suspect in the realm of dementias, mental illnesses, brain traumas, the 95% still holds.
You are not the only one who "missed" something here because I certainly did ad have no idea how this thread morphed into an autism discussion either. Every bad behavior can't be blamed on "the spectrum".
High functioning autism can come from the father, mother, or both.
The difficulties you experienced with your husband in the past could explain
his past behaviors as coming from somewhere on the autism scale. It is quite a challenge to live with autism, whether the behaviors are from a son, or harder from a husband.
Since that is a possibility (hard to diagnose Asperger's in an adult male when there was no diagnosis when your husband was younger) you can look into that.
The reason you will want a correct diagnosis is that medication could be a problem for persons with asperger's/autism. Even a Tylenol, Aleve, Motrin has side effects often appearing as anger. Some vitamins and supplements may also cause problems: Ginseng, Omega 3 oils, or anything that speeds him up like an energy drink. Just guessing here. Trying to figure out what went on before he got worse, and prior to the NPH diagnosis.
Try to stop telling him what to do, stop correcting him, and allow him to suffer any minor consequences of his behaviors. Try this for a week. Look into the newer advice titled "LET THEM".
And of course do follow the previous advice about knowing when to leave the room, or leave the house.
Approach these issues from a place of strength and love, never fear or cowering.
He must control his own emotions, and you are super-controlling your own emotions, above and beyond what a wife does-it will be what a super caregiver does. The professional distance of what a caregiver does will help you cope. It is unfair, but that attitude can protect you.
Do not give up.
A few suggestions.
1. And this is IMPORTANT...If at ANYTIME you feel that you are in danger you HAVE to call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you are afraid for your safety.
2. If he is being abusive LEAVE the room. If you can leave the house that is even better. Take a walk around the block or even down to the end of the driveway.
3. For your own safety you have to begin to look for a facility that will be able to care for him.
I feel that you are going to say that you could not place him in a facility....Well. what happens when he hurts you and you need to go to the hospital and then possibly rehab. Who will care for him then? Who will care for both of you when you return home. (and this is if the injury you sustain is not a fatal one)
Now for the yelling....
Try this, it may work, it may not.
Lower the pitch of your voice.
Talk in a quieter tone.
I think I read that men lose higher pitch sounds so if you lower your voice, lower the pitch he may hear you better and be able to process what you are saying.
I have to ask this...Is your husband competent or has a doctor said that he is no longer competent to make decisions? If he is no longer competent you make the decisions as to when and where to place him if it gets to the point that it is to dangerous for him to be at home.
And if YOUR doctor is unaware of what is going on please inform them dealing with the illness of a spouse greatly effects YOUR health.
Yet you have chosen to stay.
Doesn't that kind of cover it? I can't think what there is to say other than that.
The change he is manifesting now is another story. The angry displays whenever I tell or ask him something is really getting to me but I try and understand that his lack of emotional control and logic is due to his normal pressure hydrocephalus. It is just hard to remember sometimes.
She is an expert on the dynamics of verbal abuse.
Highly recommended. It will give you some coping strategies.
If your husband is not competent to make his own decisions anymore and you have POA (medical) you can have medication prescribed by his doctor and you can dose his food and drinks and not tell him.
If he still has some reason left, tell him that either he takes medication to help him or you will leave and he goes into a nursing home. Let him know that you will not hestitate to call 911 when he starts up. Then do it.
Is he able to understand choices that are offered to him? Is he able to still use reason and logic, and can remember if he makes a decisions? I'm asking because before thinking of more drastic solutions, you may need to inform him of his options for him to stay at home and for you to continue to be his caregiver (for now): he takes meds to control his aggression.
If he refuses, the consequences are:
1) you call 911 and he goes into the psych wing of a hospital until he complies with meds, then is transitioned into a facility
2) you leave or he leaves
In the end you cannot force an adult to do something against their will and now you may be the only person who can change. In a short while, he won't be able to change at all. Maybe he's there already.
Have you developed a long-term plan as he gets worse? Are you his PoA? If not, much of the control will eventually need to go to APS and the courts.
Unfortunately after our 52 years of marriage, it has always been like this; so nothing is really new but just much more intense. There is no reasoning with him. The last episode we had, I did leave and went to a friends for a few hours, but he didn't talk to me for two days after that.. He has a hair trigger if I say anything he doesn't like.
I am trying to make my own life and I realize that things may have to get a lot worse before I can really do anything about it. I do have a POA for him, so I can always go with that if things get really bad. But for now, I think leaving is the only thing that may change him around a bit.
Exit the room, do not respond at all.
Exit the house take a walk.
Keep your phone handy.
His brain is broken, you cannot argue or win with that.
Create a life separate from your life with him.
He is no longer available for a relationship.
Take medication or you leave.
I think he would blame me also, not really seeing that this has been my husband's pattern for years; now much exaggerated.
I think I have to bite the bullet for a little longer and try to pacify things by just walking away and not responding. As his dementia gets worse, it may be easier to deal with him or give him an ultimatum.