My husband wants to move in my mother-in-law with us. Advice, tips, pros/cons appreciated!

What kind of person would he be if he turned his back on his parent in her time of need? Would you want your child to turn their back on you if and when this happens to you? Live by example.

You already know you do not want MIL to live with you. Your resentment of the situation would certainly damage your marriage. Saying "No" to MIL living in might cause problems with your marriage but also, but it would clarify your new husband's priorities. Walking on eggshells for the next 40 years in order not to offend your husband does not make a good marriage, either.

Interesting responses. It’s funny that I didn’t see any responses that indicate anyone’s cultural background. In some cultures it’s perfectly acceptable to care for your aging parents, and in some, is expected as a form of respect for your elders. Well, born and raised in America, that is NOT the norm here. The majority of the responses to your question say NO don’t do it. I agree. But for those that have different stories makes me wonder about the circumstances with so many other “Don’t do it” responses. So there are many things that come into play in your situation. It’s pretty clear...keep your new life separate from your husbands mother. Even if that means some financial support from your new hubby.
My 82 years young mother recent lost her second husband from cancer leaving her basically penniless. My sister and I stepped in to help her only to find many past due medical bills, no retirement savings, and an upside down mortgage on their home leaving me with some feelings of resentment for their irresponsibility. I never once considered suggesting to my new husband that she come live with me. Instead I did all I could to help her find a cheaper place to live within her budget on her small SS monthly check. And made it very clear to her that she would pay her way.
I won’t drone on about my personal story. Just beware. Discuss it thoroughly with your new husband. Just know that you will be better off by far if your MIL is feeding herself, at her own dinner table, and far enough away to not engage in your affairs as you create your new life. You need your privacy...if you catch my drift...

A lot of great advice and experiences for you, h00sierfan. Here's a different perspective: I recommend you ask your husband how HE intends to care for his mother. Ask for HIS plans for paying any expenses for her.

Ask how HE plans on the physical care of his mother-particularly when she declines, and she will decline. Ask how HE will ensure, as she declines, how HE will ensure round-the-clock care. Ask how HE will take on the physical care of her HIMSELF.

How often will HE drive her to places she wants to go. How is HE going to entertain her.

Way too often, it's the DIL who ends up caring for the MIL while the Son/Hubby goes on his merry way. In your talk with deciding this, whether Yes or No, HE MUST understand this is HIS mother and the burden-responsibility-good fortune falls to him. HE is the primary should you two decide Yes.

Hi h00sierfan, I'm just going to register my vote as no to living with you, yes to living as near to you as possible. Also no to your husband thinking you (both) will be her default caregivers. If she was in a care community she would have many more distractions, activities, social outlets, etc. and much needed medical attention. I'm sure your husband has no idea how much energy it takes to care for 1 child, no less a needy, unhealthy, increasingly less independent adult. It's his mom, so I get it. It might help him to read some of the more eloquent responses on this thread so that he can work through this "change of plan" and understand that not moving her in does not mean he doesn't love his mom. I have the good fortune to have my mom live right next door to me (best of both worlds) BUT she doesn't have dementia, depression and is quite independent. Your MIL needs medical help for her issues, more help than you 2 can give her now or in the future. Seriously, you cannot even begin to image the amount of stress you'll be in with her AND a new baby. I wish you all the best as you sort through this for a solution and peace in your hearts at whatever path it takes.

Your marriage and life will suffer with this situation unless it is how you want to live your life, then you will endure. You have a difficult situation and decision.

I live by the “5 Second Rule.” When I know that my answer to anything disagreeable to me is going to be “No,” in the past I would agonize over it and try to find ways to delay saying it in order that other people wouldn’t be “mad” and “disappointed” with me. I’m 60 now and have learned the hard way that in the end....I will eventually say “NO.” So, why agonize for 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 months, 5 years, etc if my answer is STILL going to be “No” and saying it is STILL going to be very uncomfortable?
5 Second Rule: Say it in the beginning, quickly. Save yourself hang wringing angst and emotional distraught, worry and future resentment. People will always expect us to do what they want us to do, even if it’s subconsciously.
“NO honey, I don’t want to care your mother in our home. I’m not going to start our new marriage/ life with me as her caregiver.”

Hope this helps someone.
Hope this is an encouragement.

IN an Independent Living Facility you could visit her and introduce her to other ladies there who could be her best friends and enjoy great conversations much more than enabling her in your own home where the condition would just perpetuate itself in the form of poor pitiful me. Go do your home work and find her an apartment -- a Livingroom attached to a kitchenette and a bedroom in an Independent Living facility--- look at the "Holiday.com" facilities-- my mother had so many friends there before she went into decline. Good luck--- go out there-- do your homework-- go to the ILFs and sample the lunches and pick one-- the best bait--- tell her she gets a free weekend and go spend some of it with her. She will most likely put up a fuss but then come to love it. They have great entertainment directors-- now go to it ! And do not endanger your marriage in the first year. That would not be smart-- just co-dependent. Enablers end up very unhappy and are poor housemates.

Went through that 1 month after our wedding. It was a strain on our marriage as two working people with a preteen at home. My father in law was 72 at the the time and basically needed around the clock care. We applied for the aid and attendance pension since he is a Veteran. Once we got approved, he moved into an assisted living facility. He’s been in that setting for 4 years now after living with us for a year. I definitely would not have been able to do it as a permanent solution. It was also stressful for my husband during that time.

We did that. actual sold our home moved into my father in laws cause mother in law went in nursing home BUT, We were older and our kids were grown, We did because he couldn't live alone at 88 ,It was alright but for a young couple starting out marriage I would say NOT , It is awfully soon to ask you that he must have been thinking about that before you got married, I would find some nice nearby assisted living where she can have friends her own age to have some fun times with yet at 74 it could be 20 years of caretaking now is the time for bountres before it's to late ,The Bible says a man is to put his wife first after marriage. MOM's have a lot of control over sons a very complicated relationship you shouldn't be in the middle of believe me it will have effect on marriage and children . If you dont stand your ground now you never will i learned from experience didn't stand up for my self for 15 years and then when i didn't go along with everything she thought there was friction. Now is the time , Good Luck stand your ground. Sue

Hello hOOsierfan!
I read through several of the responses.

I’m curious: What is your current living situation? Do you need to buy another house soon? Maybe waiting to buy another home until after you have a child. That will give you more time to get to know your MIL. I’m thinking negative but is your husband the one wanting to buy another home?
I’m curious about your MIL’s current living situation. How close does she live to you now in an apt, private family home, rent, Senior housing? What are her finances? Could she continue to live on her own? What was your MIL’s behavior (Pleasant?partipating? Helpful? Or Critical? Meddling? Rude?) at your wedding?
Did and and do you enjoy having her around? How does your husband act with her around? Did he get anxious and/or inconsiderate to you? OR Does he include you as aTEAM when helping his Mother? Do you take the lead when his Mother was ill or do you support his taking the Lead? How does he treat his Mom?
What family support does your husband have nearby for his Mother?
Ask yourself some of these few questions, Make aPros and Cons list together with your husband.
sending you a hug!

it's an interesting journey to take care of elderly parents; I only did the last six weeks as dad was failing. It was wonderful and exhausting.

My marriage was 20 years strong and 2 high school kids when I moved my mother into our home. It definitely took a toll on our marriage. She lived with us 5 years and then had to go to long term care due to a fall leaving her with a TBI and dementia. What ever stress your husband is feeling about caring for his mother, it will be 10× that with live in. You both deserve your own life together. Move her closer, but not in with you. Please show him all the responses. Much luck. You're gonna need it.

No no & NO! Did I say NO?! We tried to keep my MIL here ....3 wks. of hell for her & me. ( & she is wonderful loving caring person). We sent her back to her own apt. Hired a part time aid ...worked out great for 2 yrs till she needed safety of round the clock care even in limited way.
Found wonderful Assisted Living facility where she has been for last 18 months. She is very comfortable & content there.

AND what has happened in last 18 mos.? She came down w/ severe case of Covid 19 was in ICU & Rehab for extended period ( now back @ AL & doing great 🙏) AND my husband passed away suddenly 😥 in May ....NO WAY I could handle her here thru all that ...not to hubby & I were married 35+ Years ...no newlywed needs this ...SAY NO

Hope it all works out for you. Keep us posted. ❤️🙏❤️

you’re young And just starting your life together. I would not recommend moving her in with you. Better to find an assisted living (or apt.) nearby. Don’t move an MIL in unless it is your last resort. I’ve been living with my MIL for 15yrs (she’s 92) - we should have waited until it was absolutely necessary.

DO NOT DO THIS!! Your life will not be your own.

Please let him read all of these responses. Such good info, not just opinions. Some excellent questions were offered too.

Here's what my son did. When they built their house they built it big enough that if her parents (or me) could no longer live alone they would have room for them in their home.

My rent went up over $80.00 a month which I couldn't afford. I wanted to move into a senior living apt building but my lease at the old place never managed to match when the new place had an available apt.

My son lives in Wisconsin, I live in Ohio. I suggested to my son that I put my stuff in storage and stay with them until the new apt. had an opening, then move back to Ohio, take stuff out of storage and move into new place. (I would pay them rent).

They came up with a better idea. If an apt. became available within two to three months before my lease was up, to go ahead and take it and they would pay rent on old apt. while I paid for new apt. That worked. I got the new apt. 2 months before my lease ran out. I was able to move in slowly and time it so my church friends could help me move.

At first I was beginning to wonder if my son and daughter weren't thrilled with me moving in, even temporary. But.... spent Christmas with them this past year and my son, who has ptsd had a really bad episode. I got to see first hand what my daughter in law was having to go through with him. I was able to get some time alone with her and told her I thought she was a saint for putting up with that and thanked her for hanging in there.

I had my mother in law live with me off and on for years. I loved her and we got along great. But I was lucky it worked out that way. I'm thankful that my own son and daughter in law wanted to spare me from having to deal with my son having melt downs that he really couldn't help. And they made it possible for me to move into a great apartment with people my own age.

Having said all this, you are in a new marriage. You need your own space. Help her find a senior apartment that has stuff going on (or at least will have after the virus restrictions get better). You'll all be better off. All of you.

Just say no. Early marriage can be difficult enough without caretaking duties thrown into the mix.

I could only skim the answers, but definitely NO. You could find her an apt nearby but your marriage is still very young.,.... but please read all the comments. I can't imagine my husband asking this so early in our marriage. My son gets married in 2 wks and I would never ask this of my new DIL.

No!! You will end up with depression and anxiety too if you agree to it. My MIL lived with us for 9 long years and it was NOTHING good about it. Even with the free, in house daycare, I ended up paying for childcare with someone else so that says alot.
She suffered from anxiety, depression, obsession, personality disorder, jealousy and all other emotional issues.
She thought she was the woman of my house going against me with everything. She had NO life of her own and wanted to be included in everything. She tried with all her might to come in between our marriage but it didn't work. My husband and I actually became closer after we ended up getting her out. She now lives right next door which is still annoying but its better than seeing her everyday.
It is best to help your husband help her into a senior living facility where she can be with people her age and if she decides to feel sorry for herself, she doesn't have to affect your life.
Good luck! I pray it all works out for you!!

All other things notwithstanding, the minute you said she suffers from depression & anxiety, my answer was “NO”! That is going to spill over into YOUR household & YOUR marriage. Please don’t do this to yourself.

My dad moved his mom into our home when I was a teen/young adult. I used to think she was this wonderful lady, but she was a horror for my mother. Mom hated to come home from work each day once another woman infiltrated her space, which made for an extremely tense household. To her credit, mom put her foot down & told dad: “She goes or I go!” And dad moved his mom out. Mom & Dad are still together in their late 70s now, having been high school sweethearts, but they never would’ve made it if the MIL stayed.

No, No, No
Let MIL stay at her own home and find a day companion/sitter for her. Visit when you can. Do not start providing all the care for her. It will be a strain on your young marriage and you will have no privacy!

What kind of things is she forgetting? Can she dial 911 if she needs to? I vote no on the moving her in idea and not solely based on my own experiences. I read through most of the responses and most people agree. I think having her with you would make it more difficult to start and have a family of your own.

Don’t do it! Don’t get me wrong I love my mother and father and have been married to a wonderful man for over 40 years. My dad lived with us 5 years until he past away and my Mom is going on 15 years. She is 92 years old and she has dementia , depression and many medical problems. My husband had cancer and a heart condition. He retired 5 years ago and is home with her all day. He is a saint to stay with her as she has either refused or kicked out every nurse that came here. We can’t even go out to dinner together without her getting angry and rude to everyone. I love her dearly and yes this has brought my husband and I closer but it by no means has been easy. She has started stealing and lying to us and thinks everyone is taking her money. She pays for nothing! Please know what you are getting yourself into before you do this.

Think of the future, my mother moved in 30 years ago, healthy , did most of her own chores. Now fast forward she is 92 has LBD, I have become 24/7/365 caregiver! Diaper, bathe, feed, become a personal prisoner to her. She can’t walk without me holding her up, and the very best part is she doesn’t know who I am, just a friend she tells me. I do not have a life of spontaneity anything I do or think about I must think of her first. My husband will say let’s go to a play, or dinner, or when we get invited to a BBQ I cannot go, my doctors appointments I have canceled because of her. My only salvation is respite which we put her in one a year, if I didn’t have that I think I would of taken my life a few years ago.
so I say Don’t do it!

Is husband really asking you here? If you say no what happens? Will it cause problems?

I'm in a similar situation. MIL stays over A LOT - 2/3 nights a week it used to be. She used to help with childcare was the excuse but now its not so much.

Now shes a nice enough lady my MIL. But shes 80 and does have her moments and does tend to take over a little. If I saw her now and again, I'd have zero problems with her. Kids especially my youngest aged 7 love her to bits and shes so good to them as well - youngest always says "is nanna staying?" (look of horror from me).

I've tried to explain to my wife, yes you're mother is nice enough. BUT shes my MIL I didn't marry her. If my best friend was sitting at the dinner table 3 nights a week I'd get sick of them being here. My just thinks "shes harmless enough, the kids love her, why can;t she stay". I try and remind her - how many husbands would be ok with their mil staying every week?

Part of the problem we've got is when MIL stays with us the siblings bail out and think "problem sorted". There are 4 of them but they go into hiding. For them, they'd love if MIL moved in full time with us.

Dunno if you're the same? Can your husb see this? Its his mother you're MIL after all.

Even worse at the moment for us, MIL has been at home for months (Its been nice!) but is now full tilt wanting to stay all the time. Don't want to be mean but lets stick to a few days....

NO! My MIL has been with us for all of my married life (second marriage). Her own living quarters but it’s like having 3 in my marriage. MIL is actually a lovely lady but your life is never your own. My husband ended up always putting her before me. Didn’t want to upset her but felt he could upset me. She’s 97 now and still going strong.
DON’T DO IT

Great advice offered so far! But be tactful when you say NO to his suggestion. Remember that a man has only one mother, but can divorce many times.

By the way, that’s a huge age difference between his mother and him if he is only starting a family with you. But, that’s neither here nor there.

We are an older couple, on our second marriage, live on a farm with 3 generations of my husband's family, in the house he grew up in. We have caregiver responsibilities for his mother, who at 93 is remarkably healthy and capable BUT a very difficult, demanding, and selfish person. She lives in a separate home on the property, so maintaining two houses is burdensome for my husband.

It has been a struggle. We ageee that it is her right to be cared for at home as long as possible, and our responsibility to do so. However, her dysfunctional patterns and stranglehold on my husband's time and attention (plus her benzodiazepine addiction, now resolved, that made life very difficult for a while) have really challenged us.

What has hurt us is her resentment of me (this was HER house for many years), my husband's health issues and desire to enjoy his retirement, and our total lack of privacy, time together, and freedom to travel or be spontaneous.

What has helped us, after some deeply traumatic conflicts, has been setting clear boundaries (and I had to really push my husband to back me up), coming up with agreed-upon strategies to handle her vicious tongue, her nosiness, her manipulations (even her doctor finally told her to quit making us take her to the ER every time she didnt get her way), her attempts to drive wedges between the two of us and set everyone on the family against each other, her tantrums, etc.....you get the idea. She's not easy and we only half joke that she's going to outlive us all.

This could be a source of unending bitterness but we have been able to navigate so far. The key for us has been to stay united and strategize our responses. We have used behavior modification techniques to tone down some of her behaviors, and are daily learning when to stand and when to bend. And it works, mostly. She has become more independent, we manage her meds to avoid any more substance abuse problems, and we carved out some privacy and independence for ourselves.

Now, due to my DIL's acute alcoholism and a messy divorce, I have daytime caregiving responsibilities for very young grandchildren (3 and an autistic 6 year old) so the tables are somewhat turned and MY difficult family members are posing an intrusion and disruption -- the techniques and strategies we hammered out dealing with MIL are helping.

I can't say having MIL (or grandbabies) in residence has been easy, or always particularly enjoyable, but there are ways to make it manageable.