My husband wants to move in my mother-in-law with us. Advice, tips, pros/cons appreciated!

I think when a person is in the beginning, middle or whererever of dementia or alzheimers, you have to realize they can not make rational decisions. They are not mentally capable. If you try to tell them they are having mental issues, they become recentful and mean. They can not comprehend that there is something wrong with their thinking. That's your starting and ending point. Other People, not living with them, that have little contact with them, ie on the phone, in passing, may (and often do) think they are fine. They are not fine. They become very "self" oriented and can not change. Their needs are all important to them. It is sad, and no easy answers. If you are not a giving, giving, giving.... Yes Giving Person, don't think it is a good idea...

I need to change my user name. Hi, my name is Jennifer. Nice to meet you.
First, was he a hands on father or left it all to You? You can expect more of same.
Do you get along with her? Will she take direction from you? It's tough.
AL is crazy high. I don't get why just room and board in a safe environment costs thousands each month. If they have to lift a finger, that gets higher quickly.
If it's in your head that it isn't a good idea, trust your instincts. However, if you are just nervous, consider how she will fit in. What are her needs? Strengths? Can she get her own breakfast, for instance?
Although I typically give mom breakfast she can get it herself. But she will forget. So I go behind her on those days, make sure she took her meds, etc.
Have you voiced your concerns to your husband? What does he say? Can y'all split certain duties? It's a big undertaking. Do you have options for respite care? It requires communication. My husband's mostly bedridden but complains of being bored. I get resentful because I'm doing everything! It's my mom but he agreed. I get resentful of my sister, as well, because she goes on vacations. I haven't spent 2 days in a row out of this house since moving in 3 years ago!
I'm not trying to tell you yes or no, because it's such a personal decision, like getting married! But you are right in taking time to consider everything.
My moms would have cost about $4,500/ month but when we moved in she wanted to charge us rent! I almost moved right back out! Then she kept throwing in my face that we weren't paying rent. And she told me to get rid of our 2 little dogs she doesn't have to see, because they're on a different level. (But she loved babysitting my sister's dog. Notice the pattern?) What do you do? Keep reminding her that she's losing her memory and the alternative is for her to leave her home and pay thousands of dollars a month? OK so I did finally break down and tell her that. She said I won't go! I said They'll force you! Who? Social workers and the police! She shut up. I felt awful. She forgot the whole conversation and 2 hours later reminded me that we don't pay rent, and asked what's for dinner. (We pay for all household expenses!)
I hope I gave you some insight.

When my husband and I got together, my parents were already starting to slow down and he kind of knew we would be taking care of them at some point. We at least had a few years of being a free and happy couple before my dad was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer. We spent time going back and forth to take care of him and my mom and my husband even took leave from work to help out and support me emotionally. I even moved into my parents house when he started to decline so I could take care of both of them FT. After my father passed, we moved mom in with us. Honestly, thinking back, we really felt like we had no choice because my mother was so dependent on my father and after he passed, she became really depressed. We also didn't think she would live long after losing her husband of 51 years.

That was over 5 years ago. She now has dementia and every single day and night is a constant challenge. We are barely able to keep it together most days but our marriage remains strong. We tell each other all the time that we have to stick together and we will get through this. If caring for my mom was something we had to do at the start of our relationship, we probably wouldn't have made it. It truly is THAT taxing...mentally, physically, emotionally, you are all in. It will be your daily reality.

My honest advice would be to say no. It sounds like your MIL is still pretty mobile and independent so allow her to be as long as possible!!! Once she moves in, she is going to end up that much more dependent and potentially rely on you two to take care of everything. Slowly but surely it will happen. Speak to her doctor, get her on medications to help with the anxiety and depression. Maybe find an independent living facility near you that has the option to move over to assisted living as her needs change. I know it will be difficult during Covid but certainly worth checking out. If you are looking forward to buying a house and starting a family then that's what you should do. The fact that you have immediate doubts should be a red flag. I know it's easier said than done but we went into our situation with both eyes open, both in total agreement for what needed to be done and it is still an impossibly difficult situation!!! But, gratefully, we have each other and we won't let anything destroy our relationship.

OMGosh NO! I'm sure your husband means well by wanting to help his mother but you and your marriage should come 1st. You husband has no idea what it will be like to have his mother move in. It's alot of extra work and she will suck the life out of you, your husband and your marriage. Elder care only gets worse....never better.

Please think very carefully before you say yes. My mother moved in with me almost 4 years ago and it's been awful. I had to give up my job and I ended up on anti depressants and needing counselling. It's very very different having a parent live in the same house as it is caring and then leaving. And it could be many years before you are free to have the life you deserve. Assisted living would be better and you can then contribute to her care and havea life too.

No a billion trillion times... like everyone else!! It would be the biggest mistake of your life! Shouldn't even be an option. NO! I can't even imagine that your husband would even consider this. This WILL BE A MARRIAGE KILLER. So don't even consider it. You are going to be in a mess if you do. Please please listen to all of us here on this forum. You asked so we're telling you the absolute truth!
If he insists, run like hell, he doesn't care enough about you. I like the answer with nothing but a continuous No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!

NO!

Something else you need to think about; what are his mom's finances like?

So many people come here, having mingled their and their parent's funds to buy "something bigger" only to find that their parent is disqualified from Medicaid because of this.

Just a few weeks ago, a poster's parent was denied Medicaid for LTC because she sold her home at below market price to the person who made her the first offer. It wasn't a relative; just a low bidder. Medicaid requires 5 years of financial statements and there must be no "gifting" (like using parent's funds to help buy a bigger house) or accepting less than market value for any sizable transaction.

Please urge your husband to get his mother's anxiety and depression treated; it will be much easier to determine what her needs are when those are under control.

h00sierfan, I say this with all the love in my heart:
Listen to all these people!
Just say NO.

Something else you need to keep in mind - if you go ahead and buy a house right off with a MIL suite, then it will be much easier for your husband to "justify" moving his mom in.
If I were you, I would steer him in the direction of a home without the MIL suite, maybe looking at the potential to build one on, if needs be, down the road. It will buy you some time, and it might give your husband pause to think whether or not it would be worth the expense to add on, especially if his mom might end up in memory care later on anyway. By the time that rolls around, you might have children and his opinion about moving his mom in might change when he sees how much time kids need.

Before you answer that question either way, you and your husband MUST sit down and discuss exactly what that will mean. Who will be the principle caregiver, who will pay additional costs involved, as time goes buy and Mother-in-law will requires more and more services. Having privacy is important, for both your marriage and MIL life too. Discuss also you concerns about how it will affect your marriage. Then sit down with an adviser and see to the legal aspects of life (both yours, your marriage and MIL), It will be hard to realize all the things that can and most likely will change if you move MIL into your home. It can work, but it will take a lot of work for everyone involved. Another avenue is an Assisted Living Facility. The really good ones can be expensive, but are really helpful for some of our elder parents. Others not so much! Investigate also. Nursing homes that take Medicare/Medicaid of not necessarily the same as Assisted Living. Many Independent/Assisted Living Facilities are self pay. That means NOT covered under Medicare or Medicaid. Good luck and God bless

Don't do it! Get her to a senior living place where she can make a new life for herself maybe even find a new man, have activities and fun. Buy a house that doesn't have an extra bedroom. People have no idea how wonderful these places are. You look for some near you. MIL will perk up and feel better. Don't train her to depend on you. It will ruin your life.

Yes, Your marriage will definitelty suffer. You will end up most likey even feeling resentment because oif this and Doing more work than you want to I feel it is not a good deal for a newlywed to have to endure this, Maybe suggest other Assisted Living if all possible with her doctor. It is a big mistake.

visit indendant living places close to you. I would hint at that idea. Not so loudly, but perhaps, maybe mom can live in a indenendapnt place near us while we get our home and lives settled?...:::??? Once, we are moved in and settled, we can think about mom movingin with us. But until then, mom should be place in AL near us so we can keep tabs on her.

How much do you like your MIL? I would have loved my MIL living with me but she had decided years ago that she would never live with any of her children. Her mother's mother moved in when she was little and it destroyer her mother's marriage. Not sure why. My MIL did get down in poor health and her daughter moved her in with her. It almost destroyed her marriage. Not sure if this helps.

Marykathleen, good for you for leaving!!! You must have felt like a prisoner in your own home!!!

You want the short answer? NO!!!! No is a complete sentence!!!

Both of you need to be on the same page, in agreement with this. You are between the proverbial rock and hard place...but if your hubby can't see the potential trouble (and it looks like that way) I hate to say this, but maybe it's better for a split sooner rather than later...which sounds awful and negative and I so don't mean it to...There are unanswered questions here...Like why did MIL get divorced...is it her personality? If you truly have separate living areas and she abides by the rules and stays out of your life...maybe...but will she? Some memory loss is normal, some is related to depression...and sometimes it could be an early warning sign...do you want to set yourselves up to be mom's caregivers all while looking to potentially start a family? Where is she living now, and why can't she continue with that arrangement? Sending you good wishes for a happy resolution for all...

You have not been married very long. I would consider it a priority to focus on your family first - at least another year or 2. Then, you both will have your expectations as a couple nailed down and figured out how to share and care for a home together. If you are trying to start a family, this will create change in that "couple" dynamic that has plenty of its own challenges as a growing family. Add in a MIL and that may not be a change factor you want to consider adding right now.

Better to create your "home life" first and assist MIL in in her home. She should be seeing a psychiatrist - regularly - for her mental health issues. If she is starting to forget things, she should be tested by her doctor for dementia. There are many methods to to assist in "reminding" that do not involve her moving in with you. She should be encouraged to be as independent as possible. Your husband's family should create a plan for checking in on "mom" regularly to make sure she is ok.... until her cognition or mental health issues require an assisted living situation (preferably in an assisted living facility).

Haven't read the rest of replies just yet... but I won't be alone to say NO!

Nyet, Nada, Ney, Nei, Nej, Ne, Non - whatever language you like... "Tell him he's dreamin" as an Australian would say.

Get yourself some BIG scissors to cut those apron strings ✂️.

And who will care for her. Often men expect that role to be played by a woman - you!

Don’t do it. It will suck all the joy out of your marriage. He doesn’t realize what he is asking for.

Imho, I would urge that your MIL NOT move in with you. You're right - your marriage may suffer. MIL should seek other living arrangements.

My husband and my mother decided to move her in with us. She had a 1 bedroom apartment downstairs. No inside stairs, outside only. I was not the person I am today, I would have said no. As soon as the kids were grown, I ran away from home. Mom still downstairs, Ex upstairs. I never looked back. As clear as day, I remember the first morning I woke up in my apartment, sleeping on the floor. I looked out the window and felt like someone had let me out of jail. She had no boundaries and I wasn't able to establish any. It took 6 years of therapy for me to get rid of most of my childhood problems.

This question has reached 100 answers in 4 days, not to mention the many many replies to answers. Oh Brother, has it touched a nerve! There has to be a reason for it, think think think.

If she has the means, she should look for a retirement home and connect with other seniors. She’ll be happier and so will your marriage. My parents both nearly 90 live across the street from me in a retirement home. At one time my hubby and I were tossing the idea around of maybe having them live in a suite in our home. Am I ever glad that never transpired. Now they will have to transition to assisted living when needed and get the care. Then I’ll also have a bit more freedom as I currently provide three meals per week plus look after meds and do their housecleaning. But at least we have our own space.

I would say that counseling would be appropriate to sort it out. Hopefully, you can find someone. That person could help you work through several scenarios, make agreements and be a resource for working through inevitable rough patches. Consider time on/time off/who pays for what/what happens if/when she needs more care. Are there other siblings? How do they factor in. I'd make it a big enough deal that it's not just a simple kind decision. Then if you go forward - it's all eyes wide open.

I can understand his desire to help his mother, but your relationship as a married couple is still very new. Building that connection takes priority over everything. Nothing will be helped in the dynamics or the destiny of the whole extended family if this turns into enough of a mess that it causes your marriage to fall apart. And it could. The fact that your MIL is having trouble remembering things at 74 is not a catastrophe, but it is a potential red flag. Picture your life coping with preschoolers and dementia at the same time, under your own roof, and having no leverage because it involves his mom. If he doesn't get the concept and is in denial, he needs some frank talks with someone who does a lot of geriatric nursing. Modern life is usually not like The Waltons. Modern medicine tends to keep us alive a whole lot longer with lots bigger impairments than half a century ago. And this living arrangement sounds like it would be a tough situation to backpedal on if it isn't working.

My MIL lived with us against my wishes. She’s now in rehab and won’t be coming back she’s with his brother when/if she leaves there. She’s been gone well over a year and I still resent my husband for going against me. Things are not and will never be the same again. The experience left us with a lot of bad between us that I’ll never forgive either one of them for! Mind you I was the daughter in law that she said was like a daughter to her. We were the best of friends before she pulled the moving in card on me!!!!

Ok... First of all.. there are so many questions going on through my mind about this. When SOME ONE ELSE.. wants to move in THEIR relative... ARE THEY GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THEM.. or expect SOMEONE ELSE to take care of them? Usually, when a guy wants to move in a relative... He actually moves the person in the home and then ... THAT IS WHERE THEIR CARE STOPS. Usually the women are expected to "take it from there". Do you have a job outside of home? If MIL does not need full time care NOW... she will later, you can bet so.. when THAT happens, then WHAT happens in your home? Will things be expected to stay as they are or... she will then be moved to a facility? So.. right off the bat... what about financial? Expenses? Who is POA? Does she already have Power of Attorney... also, an Advance Directive? GET THESE THINGS IN PLACE BEFORE SHE MOVES IN... IF THAT IS WHAT YOU DECIDE. I don't have a problem with family taking care of someone but... ONE PERSON CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. THIS is a family affair and should be. Your husband is to assist with care. If he can't do personal care, which will happen later if not now, he can to other things.. grocery shopping. clothes shopping, picking up prescriptions, preparing meals. Yeah.. the guy should be doing some of this stuff when he is at home. The old adage, "A woman's work is never done" is true by some people and some men think it is ok to let the woman DO and they SIT. No ONE PERSON can be everything to someone else. This probably will happen.. your MIL is going to get much worse and this could go on for a very long time. Yes.. this can take a huge toll on your marriage especially if your hubby decides to "dump" all the work on you. I have seen this done. I have worked in home healthcare for 25 + years. And, how do you already get along with you MIL? If there are any tensions, this will only make it worse. Also.. it is also not usually a good idea for them to NOT be around others their own age. So... does she have friends that visit her regularly? People "being in their own home" -- a bunch of garbage. They are usually miserable. Depressed. Only family around and when they are NOT working or doing other things that families do. My clients who ARE in a facility are kept constantly.. if they want to, doing stuff. Not so when at home. Being in their own home, they end up being so much alone. All the time.. nothing to do... they don't want to do things alone and they don't because there is normally no one there most of the time. At a facility.. something always going on they can go to and watch.. or participate in. These people have less chance to become depressed. Too much to do! They eat meals with others.. Socials.. musical programs...movies to attend with ice cream and popcorn! Church services... and others walking the halls to see all the time..They check on each other. PLEASE.. go with the facility. Check them out especially if hubby is NOT going to be there to assist in the day to day stuff. Remember, once IN... hard to get her out.