My husband and I live in his family home. Moved in 25 years ago after his mother passed away. Some days (no consistency in time of day or which days) he wants to go home. He knows he grew up here but moved to another house in town with "his wife". I calmly tell him I will take him (he thinks I am his sister (he doesn't have a third sister)), if he can tell me the address. He says he can't remember it and his drivers' license and all other papers with this address are wrong. He keeps saying he has things to do and his wife must be wondering why he is not home. I have put my phone on silence so he doesn't get mad that he inadvertently calls "me" instead of her while insisting he has to get home. What else can I do?
I know it worked for her, so might be worth a try.
You may also want to research capgras syndrome as it sounds like that is what your husband has as well.
I wish you the very best as you travel this difficult road with your husband.
You’re already doing a lot right by staying calm and trying to redirect gently. Some caregivers find it helps to validate the feeling (“Yes, I know you miss that place”) rather than trying to reason, since reasoning often doesn’t land. Others try distraction, like offering a favorite snack, going for a short drive or walk, or engaging in a familiar activity. Sometimes even pulling out an old photo album can help bridge that moment of confusion.
It isn’t easy, and it can be emotionally draining to repeat these conversations. Just know this is part of the illness, not him being difficult. You’re doing an incredible job by being patient and meeting him where he is.
One thing caregivers often do is use validation and redirection instead of correcting. For example, instead of saying “you are home,” you might acknowledge what he’s feeling: “I know you want to go home, tell me about it” — and then gently steer the conversation toward something soothing or familiar, like looking at an old photo, having a cup of tea, or going for a short walk.
It’s also helpful to have little “comfort tools” ready — maybe a favorite snack, music he enjoys, or an activity that gives him a sense of purpose when he feels restless about needing to “get back.”
You’re not alone in this. Many spouses face the same challenge, and it’s clear you’re handling it with a lot of patience and love.
I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry for what you are experiencing and that I wish you well.
Please don't take on your husband's upset feelings or distress - you would feel them so much more keenly than he does.
Take care of yourself.
I did the same as you and Mum was reassured. When she wasn't, I changed tack. As long as we never berate a dementia sufferer for forgetting and we don't belittle them, as long as we are reassuring, then we aren't being cruel. Every situation is different, even when dealing with the same person.
He is already confused. This is only adding to his confusion and agitation!
It's so sad that he doesn't recognize you any longer as his wife.
I don't know, but I think it would be ok to remind him that you are "your name" and you are here for him. State it simply, and matter-of-fact, but don't turn it into an argument if he is still confused. Remind him that he and his wife moved from that house and into his mother's home.
When he asks for something you can't provide, such as taking him to his former "home", try giving a vaguely affirmative response, then re-direct his attention to something else. You'll get into trouble promising to do something you can't, and telling him "No" will only make him wonder why you are being so mean to not allow him to go to his home.
Gentle affirmations that he is home with his wife, repeated every day, might help to make him comfortable and adjust to this new confusing reality he is struggling with. Don't make it an argument. He believes the reality his mind is tricking him into seeing. Do you have any photos of the two of you together, in later years, so your appearance hasn't changed much? Keeping photos around where he can see might help him to understand you are his wife. But, if it causes him agitation, they should be removed.
I'm so sorry you and your husband are going through this.
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