My husband wants a divorce because I don’t want his mom to move in!

I haven't read the other responses but this is a real sore topic with me. Not cause there has ever been any threat of this happening to me but simply cause I told my Hubs long before we were even living together that I would rather live on the street than live with my M I L. While I understand that blood is blood and she is his mother and all that. I just cannot tolerate this woman. She is like a poison to me. She is negative, controlling, judgemental, whiny, you name it. She doesn't even have any health issues yet. I can imagine how she'd be if she did. Hubs goes and spends three or so days a week with her and his Dad. If she or her husbands health start to fail he can go move in there for a while if he wants. But she'll never live with me.

And it hurts me to say this and to feel it. But some people are not meant to even be in the same room, let alone live together in the same house.

That's quite unfair of him to say he wants a divorce just because you don't want his mom to mom in. Perhaps a counselor could help him he would be erring.

Your dilemma has sparked quite a response !!! And basic line seems to be:, call his bluff... He can move in with mom, and you stay put.

Whatever you do, do not let hubby and BIL bully you into taking care of their mother..
maybe not a good thing, is to show him this website. and do not tell him that it is you. Others are or have experienced the same issue. Does he really think it's a great idea for your marriage?

156 answers in just a few days.. You hit a core with a lot of people who feel very strongly about this. Hope you read all of these, absorb the information, and think about all of these responses!!

Hi, and welcome. Yes, stand your ground! That is her son's obligation to figure out. You shouldn't need to do that. You have your kids and yourself to take care of. If he would divorce you for that reason, don't let the door hit him in the ass when you tell him bye then! Sorry to be so aggressive, however that is how I feel. HE'S the one being terrible. !

Bless your heart, in my humble opinion your husband has not had a great upbringing or relationship with mom or dad and that’s why he’s giving ultimatums. Orrr... he’s wanted out for a long time. In-laws are not the same thing as parents. It depends on how close you were with his parents PLUS to make sure he/she are as safe as possible even if your ex doesn’t want to. That’s ALL that all of us want is the best care possible. If he is gone or out of their lives then that’s on him. You can only do your best (by these people).

Your husband is being selfish and unreasonable.  You have your hands full!!  Check with your local agency on aging or check around to find someone who's knowledge in the caregiving field who could sit down with you and your husband and explain your options.  He would be more receptive to a third party - and he/she could, hopefully open his eyes to the overwhelming responsibilities of caregiving.  Caregiving, especially for someone with dementia, is a FULL TIME JOB and it sounds to me like you already have one.  Stand your ground.  I pray you can work this out.  There are a lot of quality nursing homes out there and she would get the specialized care she needs.

If she owns property it should be sold and the proceeds go toward a facility that you feel will take good care of her. Your husband won't be the one doing the daily hands on care. Believe me it is not easy. To care for someone is hard both physically and mentally. It can rattle your self esteem to its core. Your attitude will affect your childrens lives and well being. I gaurantee you it would affect your marriage either way. Your husband obviously doesnt respect how you feel and doesnt understand what an undertaking this would be on you and on his children. Expecting you to take on a caregiver position on top of being a mother, wife, house keeper, taxi etc. He needs to get a clue.

So you are supposed to take care of a difficult mother in law With dementia while her sons wash their hands of responsibilities? Sell the RV and find a nice assisted living facility.

Tracij29, Now that Thanksgiving weekend is over, please update all of us. There are many on here giving good support. Just let us know how things are going, hopefully improvements ????

Oh Hell no, if its a divorce he wants, he gets mom too in the divorce. If he was so fast to throw the divorce card he is either wanted out for a while already or doesnt give a dam how she effects you and the kids.
If that be the case, give him that divorce. Give it to him good.

You take his kids and his money AND THE HOUSE and at least 1/2 the business and lets see how he does with much less and his mom. They will do just fine together in a little tiny condo. Sounds like they make a good pair.
Honey, trust me- How I ended up with the guy I got, it still amazes me, with the crap our family has been thru- he hasnt walked. If anyone man ever said to me, you do this or divorce- I tear up his part of the world. PS dont forget to get attorney fee's too. :)

Go ahead and get a divorce from this selfish &$@"$!?. Kick him out of the house, he can get his own place and take his momma with him. He'll beg to come back-without Mommy.

NO!!! Do NOT allow your husband to force this ultimatum on you and the children! Stand your ground! Lord, WHAT is he thinking?!

You obviously have not spoke about this before.....and resolved it! What about the children from a split family. lawyers , ever other weekend, is this what YOU REALLY WANT> Start with talking to a Dr about what is best for mom!
Then if ...look at your choices NOT just what u or he wants look at all the choice for her. Home new home, add a room, day sitter, ............have more problems than just mom!

I have been in your position although my father-in-law was not so old and didn't have so many health issues. He was an alcoholic though. Eventually it did turn out to end my marriage and I walked away from it. I couldn't cope with all the extra duties loaded onto me and my husband hardly lifted a finger to help. In any difficult situation my husband took his father's side and made me feel as if I were a servant. I had a full time job as well.

You are not a terrible person and I admire the fact that you know in advance that you don't want your m-i-l to move in. If you have a good marriage your husband will not carry out his threat although there may be some turbulent times for a while. If it is a so-so marriage you will probably be better off without him if he puts his mother's needs before those of yours and your children.

You could tell you husband that if he wants her cared for, he could move in to her house and take care of her. Stand your ground. Caregiving is much more stressful because it is round the clock unless you have paid help come in, and it is very expensive.
Grace + Peace,
Bob

Barbbrooklyn, I am beginning to think the OP might be a troll too since she has gotten so many responses and she hasn’t responded back. Even so, if someone is in a predicament like hers, these are very good answers to read through. I’m hoping it might help someone else!!

Stand your ground. We're behind you. So sorry for the hell you are going through... a bunch of us are. You are not alone in that respect.

You are married to a bully. Any time someone makes a demand based on a threat, that is bullying. I don't know how old you are, but you should either get counseling to see if he will change his ways or be happy to be rid of him. Nobody should put up with living with a bully.

I have read ever post and my heart goes out not only to the poor wife in this "charade" but also to the wives who have written in making suggestions. I will tell all of you what I told a young still married friend of mine whose husband refinanced their house (she said that he forged her name) and apparently got all of the equity out which she suspects he put in a joint account with his mother. He had threatened divorce and his taking the 2 children. I told her to tell her parents what is going on but her father says that she can't tell her mother because her mother is "too fragile". Get advice from the best divorce attorney you can hire even if you have to borrow money. She/he will tell you your options. Praying, psychotherapy etc. are fine but you have to assume that he will empty out any bank accounts first.  Perhaps Tracij29 is not even on any bank account.  All the more reason that she needs legal advice first. If she spends time on therapy, etc. now, he will have time to "plan his attack". Nobody who contributed to this post has told her to "give in" and if a man is so "blind" that he would even threaten divorce, I wouldn't want him. There is a saying that "to be forewarned is to be forearmed". I believe that if Traci tries to give him the benefit of the doubt, he will act like he is in sympathy with her but I don't see how she can ever trust this "woos" of a man again.

Ouch! It seems that your husband's family has some dysfunctional relationships that have been going on for a long, long time. You may never be able to get those fixed - nor is it your responsibility.

Your hubby's probably viewpoint: He and his sibling(s) are responsible for the care of his parents in their old age. You already pointed out that his brother did not do a "good job" of caring for them. Your hubby realizes this as well. He sees it as his responsibility to make sure they are cared for... and assumes that this care must be under his watchful eyes... and probably yours too! Take it as a compliment that he sees you as being some kind of Wonder Woman who can handle anything.

Your take: You realize that your MIL needs care and probably FIL as well. You have your hands full of caring for your children, your home, and "the business" as well. No married person with a spouse who owns a business is uninvolved in helping with "the business's" success. You feel like being "saddled" with your MIL will be a never-ending job that will be difficult and only get harder. You have decided that it would end in burn out that happens sooner rather than later.

Possible Action: Tell your hubby you need some "time off" to think about what he said. Spend a week with your family or at a friend's home. Outline all the additional work you would have to do for MIL. Research how much it would cost for somebody else to do those tasks for her. Research what the requirements are for the county or state to get involved in their "hoarder problem". It may be that FIL and MIL both need to be in assisted living facility or cared for in their home by others - once the garbage is cleared away. Do MIL and FIL have finances to provide for their care? Do you and your hubby... and the rest of that side of the family? Does somebody have POAs? While you are getting your answers, let hubby assume care for the household, the children, the schedule... all the tasks you normally do.

Once you have outlined some options, come home and have a meeting with your hubby. Ask him to share how life was without you for the week? Explain that this would be "normal life" without you and probably less finances too. Show him the results of your research. Show him ways that his parents can be cared for that you are comfortable with. The goal is to make sure his parents are cared for... and to keep your family intact. It is possible to help his parents and keep your marriage happy and healthy too .

No, you are not a terrible person but you are clairvoyant. You can see how she would upset and complicate your lives! You don't need mom in your household in its current state of four children and an almost absentee husband. She could live for years yet and you owe it to your children that their care and concern comes first. The relative in Oklahoma needs to find her a long-term care facility THERE for when she is ready for discharge from the hospital. Tell your husband that if he gets a divorce it will cost him double because he'll not only have alimony/child support pay but he'll have to hire round-the-clock outside help to care for mom. Good luck sweetheart and stay strong. Lots of hugs

Dear Abby would say consult a lawyer about the financial situation first - just so you know how to protect yourself whether divorce happens or not. Your husband's ultimatum might very well be empty - I say that because there is no logic backing it. If he divorce's you, there will still be nobody at home to take care of his mother, so how does the divorce help him or his mother? Unless of course, he thinks you will get your MIL in the settlement???? (sorry for the sarcasm). I don't know about the rest of your marriage, but he seems to be acting manipulative and immature about this situation. If you need permission to do what you have to for you and the kids, I hereby declare you free to flee!

Prayers sent up for you. Follow your heart and your God given common sense & gut feelings. I've been in a few situations. As a woman of faith I still get feelings of guilt & am reminded by some what the bible says about taking care of others needs? I pray for discernment and know Gods word, but references are also made that sometimes we must step away. He is in control.
So much good advice here. Logical and true, especially from those that have been there but ultimately you have to make the decisions, may sound easier said than done. There's much help offered on this site. Just getting to unload our situations without fear of criticism or judgement is a big help, instead of it all in our thoughts leaving no room for a sane decision. My unsolicited opinion with all due respect. You come first without feeling selfish about it to then take care of your children! God will give you strength, ability and will direct your steps. He will take care of what you are not able to do. Guaranteed!
Taking the Liberty to share this: Last Christmas my youngest grand daughter
(24 yrs. old.) gave me a beautiful journal to write my memoirs ? ☺️ Also said Nana should write a book! I don't have time ' cause taking care of Papoo (grandpa) is my full time job now. My husband has vascular dementia. It's not easy sometimes but when things get hairy I remind myself of what I've written to you as unsolicited advice. I often jest that I never imagined having a child at my age, but Papoo is like a child at times. He's my child & he comes first after I take care of me too. I am blessed with two daughters, 2 grand daughters & a grandson ( referred to as #1 ' cause he's the only GS) who all live within 10 miles. They are all willing and able to help me, which is another blessing but I am still able. They get a little helicopter like at times and have a life so I tell them that when I need anything I would let them know.
Its nap time for Papoo and being thankful to have time to spend here, I must away for now. Do stay in touch here. It will help even just to vent. 🤓
God bless you.

I just posted a message on Traci's board, asking if she is a troll.

I think we need to stop responding until she does.

You need to come to an agreement as to where your priorities lie. Right now, your priorities should be your children. I'm hoping he is only saying he wants a divorce because he's at the end of his rope and that's not really what he wants. I would suggest in this case that you both go for couple counselling with a registered psychologist to help come to an agreement of how to handle this situation or if he doesn't want to work on your relationship and a divorce is really something he wants even though you may not want it, what the implications would be. It may make him think otherwise. Other things to take into consideration is that dementia is the type of condition that really requires a person with special education to handle. The fastest growing age group right now is those 100+ and this group of people need special care that most of us are not equipped to deal with. Good luck and let me know how it goes!

First, let me say that I agree wholeheartedly with all the people who said not to move your MIL into your home. It will destroy your life and the lives of your children.
 
However, there is one topic I haven't seen addressed: finances. If your MIL goes to assisted living, how much of the financial burden of that would your husband expect to take on? I ask this because of reading about one father who wanted "the best" for his mother, and emptied the family's bank accounts to keep her in a very nice (expensive) assisted living place. This father then wanted to know how he could tell his daughter that the money they had always promised her for college had been spent to take care of her grandmother. There was nothing left for the daughter's college.
 
If your husband is prepared to make decisions without considering your input and welfare, it is possible that he would also be prepared to damage the family financially to do what he thought needed to be done, no matter the impact on his wife and children. So please also consider this aspect of your situation.

He should not be making an ultimatum of divorce. You were lucky enough to get a taste of the difficult of taking her in. Your opinion is based on fact. Since he is not home for day and early evening, he can't appreciate all that you do or how completely difficult that month with mom must have been, but he must trust your judgment. Stand your ground.

I see there are 130 answers and I wont even read them
IF he expects you to be a slave 24/7 with someone who at 77 is fairly young but with obvious major problems and then affect his children..
GIVE him the divorce.
NO you are not a bad person, you are responsible for your children, not some person who obviously doesnt look after themselves even in better times
I hope you stand your ground and have lots of respect for yourself and your children.

Dear “terrible person”,
I speak from experience. What you’re feeling by saying no is your understanding of what you can & cannot do. Being a caregiver is extremely exhausting. My advice is get the divorce. If your husband is happy to drop this responsibility on you lap he obviously doesn’t care about your welfare. You have enough responsibilities as it is. How can he not see how hard you’re already working? Trust me, if she moves in you will be filing for the divorce when you’re at your wits end. That’s what happened to me, and I’m much better off.

Elissa

So very sorry your husband wants to divorce you. I am not The Holy Judge, but I wonder what that would teach yours kids, both your sons and daughters:
Sons learning from Dad that women are robots and their sole purpose is give man what he wants or demands., no questions ask, their emotions and input are invalid.
Daugters learning from Dad: You are a slave to men, if you express a need, it can lead to divorce.

Maybe I am exaggerating, but dead seriously!

First, regardless what anyone says, even the ones that say, you only got one Mom, you only got one Dad, your kids come first. They need you more. In America, we are blessed to be a country where there are NH and AL, and whoever can have a nurse coming to the house. There is more than one way to adequately care for a parent, and if you feel it is right to have them in NH and AL, it is not neglecting them if you are visiting them as much as you truly possibly can to make sure they are cared for. For people to understand caring for a parent is not the same thing or easier than caring for children, but a lot more difficult, even more difficult than child with severe special needs. True, no one likes to go to NH or AL, but doing what you do not like to do does not stop at a certain age, we never get to the age where we get entitled to get out of doing what we need to do but hate to do.
Being a mom is the hardest job ever done. You only have your kids for so long before they want lives of their own and not want Momma around so much, so, enjoy them, be there for them. They only have 18 years to become grown, only one childhood and teenhood, why should they have to give up their primary years because all attention and energy and sacrifices got to go to Grandma, who had all the adult years she had to live her life and enjoy what she could and such? These kids, their lives have not begun yet. Maybe the 18 year-old, barely, but still that child comes first. Being a child or teen comes with enough sacrifices, why add to it with Momma have no time or cannot do anything because Grandma taking up all the time?
And if Grandma will use lack of consideration or behavior to get back at kids for them driving her crazy when they were growing up, that is totally wrong.
I totally empathize with you. It is very easy just to dump stuff on people and think nothing of it, even worse when dumping stuff on a young person because young age does not make one invisible and can do all.
You feel like you cannot take this on, and you are not wrong with that. I hope I did not get into the Rant Mode too much, I seek your forgiveness if I did, but not everyone can take on caregiving, and if they cannot, they should not feel made to feel wrong, especially when one cannot know the whole story, and some parts of the story is not the bees of others to know. After all, there are other options, like NH and AL.
You are very strong and brave to stick to your ground.