My husband needs assisted living in a community, but I’m not ready. Any advice?

I thought I was reading my story! My wife +16 has dementia and is bed bound I’m 63 and ready to start my retirement career. Our retirement plans squashed but I have my own plans. I’m crossing my fingers she will not wipe me out financially I have a lot of living left to do. I take care of her and work on my property but rarely go out. Just waiting for the end of the story.

Y not moved back this way u can take time for u. He will have friends to visit keep him occupied while u do u. U can have help by going to get pampered. It’s only for awhile. I’m not following going back home is it an assisted living or r u just thing about not wanting to go in one with him. I wouldn’t. Friends can come visit .

Bepperboo: Your husband requires residence in a memory care facility. Naturally, YOU do not require residence in any managed care facility and can visit him in the memory care.

My dads thang left him when he needed a loving advocate most. She was only in the marriage for what she could get out of it. Is this why you married your husband?

If not, get this man you call husband the care he needs and be the advocate he deserves, as all people that have lost capacity deserve.

What you decide will be very telling about what kind of person you are.

Dementia is a horrible progressive disease and educate yourself as much as possible. As short term memory loss progresses, the old memories become what is, in their mind, currently happening. My husband with dementia, was in the mid- nineties for awhile and now he's in the '80s. Ask your husband to describe how he sees life back in his hometown and what he and his friends will be doing. You might be surprised when what he describes is more like 50 years ago than current day. Have you given any thought to maybe taking a monthlong trip to his hometown? Rent an Airbnb and give him the chance to realize that it is not what he thought would be. Just a thought. It is a difficult journey.

Does your husband live with you on that boat for 4 months?

“Picture of an aging man who leads his life, as Thoreau said, 'in quiet desperation.' Because Harmon Gordon is enslaved by a love affair with a wife forty years his junior. …He pines away for the lost morning of his life when he should be enjoying the evening. In short, Mr. Harmon Gordon seeks a fountain of youth, and who's to say he won't find it? This happens to be the Twilight Zone.”

Thats the Opening narrative of the 1963 episode called “A short drink from a certain fountain.”

Harmons wife was named Flora. She, too, was frustrated with him not taking her on a boat.

Flora, take your winnings from this marriage and go enjoy yourself in Antarctica.

Thoreau emphasized self-reliance, individuality, and questioned the basic assumptions of the way men lived.
Some argue most live life in quiet desperation.

You are living an active life and should be, but you are going to have to make some concessions for your husband who has dementia and will need care. I think your days of living on a boat are over while your husband is alive. This doesn't sound safe for someone with dementia. We are boaters and stay on our boat on weekends so I know what is involved. I am also in a situation where my husband is 13 yrs older than I am. We have been together for 30 yrs and I am noticing vast differences, so I get where you are coming from. When my husband is 84 I doubt we will still be doing what we're doing today. I am in no way suggesting that you move into a facility or stop your yoga and what not. You may have to sign him up for adult daycare several days a week so that you can have some freedom to stay active. Or you could have someone come in to stay with him on certain days. I agree with you that 64 is too young to move into a senior community and definitely too young for assisted living. But your husband needs care. I would have him assessed and then see what types of services you can bring into the home. If he has assets like a boat that is big enough to live on for half the year, you're more than likely going to have to sell it to have the funds to bring in care and take something off of your plate to have to manage. So I suppose my suggestion is to start downsizing some of your toys so that you have less to manage. Find out what services you can sign your husband up for. Maybe on the days you have yoga you can have a caregiver come in to help him bathe. Then you could slip out for your yoga without him pleading for you to stay. For me personally, I wouldn't agree to move to another area where you aren't going to be able to stay active. Maybe you can plan several trips for you and your husband to visit his friends. If his friends are elderly and dealing with their own health issues, trust me, there won't be much visiting goin on. Certainly not enough for him to move there.

When he gets to an end stage of dementia, he will more than likely need a facility. Start your investigation now so that you have some idea of what you're going to do. For now you could try in home help.

you wouldn't have to go into assisted living with him. if he's in the moderate dementia phase you will need to place him soon enough, unless you can afford round-the-clock in-home carers. but you'd stay in your home. that is very common. one of the ladies in my mom's memory care has a healthy husband who visits her regularly there.

Wnow. You have quite the range of responses and advice. Here's my experience which is ongoing. My partner of 24 years was first diagnosed with dementia in 2015. At first we could travel and hike together. Now, for just over a year he has been living in a really nice AL facility a very short drive from my house. I go everyday to be with him. I participate in exercise class, walking club, music, movies, tea time, indoor lawn games. He will not do the bingo, trivia, crossword type activities so I do not. I eat with him sometimes. We do puzzles together. I never before did puzzles. He is, so far, physically able to go out for short drives. I can go on my own trips without him. This does disrupt his daily routine however. It is emotionally difficult for both him and for me in different ways for me to go and when I return because he depends on me for stability and direction for his days. I know the staff. I know he is well cared for. His son has backup responsibility when I am gone.
His family see him once every 2 or 3 months although they live close by.

I visited many Al's. I took advice from knowledgeable friends. I investigated meds and met with a psychiatric nurse for his depression and behaviors. I made sure that I liked the AL place and would like being with him there. I made the decisions. He did not want to go to AL. It was difficult. He thought I was abandoning him.

I have POA. This is my job. I also still love him even though he is not the same man I used to love.

With him in AL I can have respite in my own space at home. I can see friends and my granddaughter in my home. None of his friends come to see him in his AL. Some are unable for health reasons. Most just drifted away. He has me...I go everyday. And he has good staff who make connections with him for their tasks...dining wait staff. meds, room cleaning.

i am a young 76, still travelling and hiking. I would do more and more often and be more active in more activities but for the fact that I am emotionally tied to him. My decision. I manage my own emotions and help him with his as well.

You have to work this out for you in a way you can live with. It's not easy managing what you need balanced with what he will need as he continues to decline. Decline can be very fast or last many years. Get busy making good decisions before a crisis hits. It is good that you asked for help. Keep asking because the dementia progression changes over time. Take care to decide now what you and he will need next week or next year. And be flexible enough for a very bumpy ride. I send you lots of good wishes.