My husband (67) has always been what some people refer to as scatterbrained, being late for plans or appointments, forgetting to pay bills eventhough he had plenty of money in the bank. When I first met him, I couldn't believe what a mess his house was, mostly because of too many animals. Because I was blindly in love, I paid no attention to these personality traits. But after we were married and had kids, I couldn't help but notice some of the things he did that popped up a red flag. He once left our 3 year old in the tub alone in the house while he went down the road to check on something. I was gone to my mothers. I think that was the first actual event when I realized he had a strange way of thinking. As one event after another occurred, I realized after our daughters left for college, something was seriously different. He had trouble remembering things I told him I needed at the store even if it was just 3 items. He is a pastor and the whole congregation is starting to notice his short term memory is lacking. He forgets the order of the service eventhough he has the church bulletin right in front of him, he skips verses of the hymns, and he repeats part of his sermon. He has seen a neurologist and had an MRI, and nothing showed up. He could not repeat the 3 items on the recall test, back to the doctor so she labeled him as having mild cognitive impairment. However, I don't think that's what it is. He says he has always done that when put on the spot. We get into argument daily because of his inability to comprehend what I tell him. He says he hears me but just doesn't understand the words. I often have to repeat things 4 and 5 times. So as you can imagine, I am completely exhausted, angry, hurt, disappointed and heartbroken. He is a very intelligent man and is well traveled. I suspect he had problems like I have mentioned as a child but his parents never talked about it. Ive just heard hints of his absent-mindedness. His thyroid is slightly low and the doctor is watching that and he also had some childhood trauma. Also, he has sleep apnea and is on his first week with the CPAP machine. Supposedly sleep apnea causes memory loss and confusion. He has been taking Aricept for 2 months, and I see no change at all. We are now seeing a marriage counselor but he often forgets what was said in the sessions making it impossible to do the work the counselor gives us. We do not have the money to go from doctor to doctor to doctor to find a firm answer on what's going on in his head. I feel like if you have any kind of memory problem, you are labeled as having Alzheimer's or Dementia right off the bat. I don't know exactly what is wrong with him, but I cannot go through this much longer and it's driving him crazy. He says he is terrified of losing his mind. Of course, who isn't. I welcome any comments or advice. Thanks.
As we were heading back to the car she literally out of the blue said to me that her brain is dying., not knowing what to say I just said oh no it’s just a little broken. But, those words are imbedded into my mind, and was heartbreaking, and made me really think and realize how frightened she was, and probably still is.
She is close to 68 years old, and has had MRI, EEG, CT scan, and several mocha/ memory type tests (which she failed all miserably) the MRI showed nothing, and her neurologist said her brain MRI was unremarkable and what he would expect to see for a person of her age.
But neurologist knew and expressed she had dementia, and started her on dementia meds.
Currently she is on LTC living in a nursing home, the facility isn’t huge but she can’t find even her room half the time. Her long term memory is still somewhat intact, but her short term memory is extremely bad.
She is on a plethora of Meds including ariceft, namenda (personally i question if they help anymore) also on Lexapro, trileptal, zyprexa. I’m aware of black box warnings but I believe sometimes the benefit does outweigh the risk.
Your husband doesn’t sound like a candidate for any anti psychotic, but I included because it’s in her list as she also has underlying mental issues.
In so many ways I was frustrated like you seem to be, but if I can offer any advice it would be to have empathy for his situation. Once you come to terms that he really has a serious decline in his memory and probably doesn’t forget things just to aggravate you then perhaps you can learn to expect less from him, and realize he’s sick with a condition that is robbing
you both. Also, I’d find another Dr. for a second opinion.
i have not read all the posts but I should have, I just spotted someone mention TBI, and my husband of 72 has TBI, and PTSD, heart issues and takes a lot of drugs, he also is no longer the man I married but like my sister I see a similar memory decline beginning, many silly things like goes out to mailbox on Sunday for the mail etc. Unfortunately he is adamant that he’s fine. Anosognosia sure is real!
Take deep breaths and seek help now, just start calling until you find satisfaction. Read read read what you can find on the internet, that helped me a lot.
As I just finally read all the previous posts, I’d like to add my sister has also seen four different psychologists, and has also been evaluated by a neuro-psych. All, have diagnosed with dementia.
If your husband does have a form of dementia I highly agree with other posters to get your legal affairs in order ASAP. Durable POA for financial, and a Medical POA so doctors will talk to you, and HIIPA won’t or shouldn’t be an issue.
There is no one stop shop book I’ve found that prepares you for everything you may encounter but keeps notes, dates, and info you find valuable.
Several times I’ve read post from ppl here way smarter then I, often I think
if they could join forces and write that book. Obviously several things would be different because of different state laws, but that too could be addressed.
Im certain it would be a best seller!!
I have had experience of looking after my husband for seven years after his diagnosis with Lewy Body dementia (etc), he was very awkward sometimes, and needed full care with bathroom and feeding. However, we always managed to have fun somehow, and he loved getting about in the car - until he couldnt work out how to get in! I used to utilise a technique similar to how I used to get ponies in a horsebox - lead them round in a circle, then quickly aim them straight in - it worked a treat, both for the stubborn ponies, and also for my confused husband!
You are definately looking for advice in the right place, there are wonderful people here - thanks everyone!
If hearing loss is found, it needs to be treated asap with properly fit hearing aids. It sounds like this has been going on a long time, and some of this might be personality related, but if a hearing loss is found, it is going to take time, patience and practice to get him hearing better. It's a rehabilitation process, not as simple as just putting devices in his ears.
Sonce the other avenues you've investigated have not revealed answers, this bears checking, as I have seen this a lot as a hearing specialist and how much life improves when hearing loss is addressed. Good luck to you both.
I Learned too accept and remember that her memory and actions ,reactions of life are stored and processed differently For her at different stages of life from a medical and physiological aspect .
All of our body’s are influenced and developed differently throughout life by many many things, mostly we have control of ,understanding the outcome to our body’s mentally , physically . . Then some influences not so much ,we only experience the result of them too our body’s in later years Of life by our expressions and actions !
For me I must always keep in mind she is different than myself and ageing ,has influenced us all differently we find ourselves becoming like our parents or different in many other ways emotionally and physically than years earlier .
This May sound elementary but acceptance and serenity is truly the goal for myself, and anyone else who experiences this type of behaviour from someone in their life or ourselves as we age !
Keeping in mind that I cannot change her or their memory ,beliefs or lack of memory
of something That we both experienced.
Knowing the truth and reality of a situation You experienced together now is totally in another mindset of that person from what Is factual is so frustrating and disappointing it makes you crazy or can make you very frustrated !
First for me too compartmentalise this behavior and realizing that issues Or actions Surrounding this person or persons is key !
This Allows me too become a way less stressed , and have A more peaceful outlook on dealing with that person or persons state of mind and actions presented from them today, which in most cases is not a socially acceptable behaviour and completely opposite from our view and actions in life today . Leaving us too wonder why are we even socialising, married or a relative of a person that In public or in any capacity you have no commonality whatsoever .
a person and their behaviour , mannerisms you being associated with someone like this today in some cases is totally embarrassing , irresponsible , insulting , demeaning and outright just stupid behaviour of attention or relationship i can focus on and just dropping her and replacing with something else .
These actions and behaviours I am mentioning did not come easy it took a lot of therapy and self inspection (introspection ) of myself because I my case it became a necessity that is how crazy i was becoming ,you don’t have too go to this level just by writing this your way ahead of this hopefully this helps you because for me it saved me from becoming cold and callus towards my mother . less stressed me of all stress and some of those feelings and frustrations of looking for differences rather look for the commonalities
What you describe sounds challenging, not just now, but all those years of raising children and being a minister's wife while coping with his peculiar behaviors.
As to his current health issues: yes, sleep apnea can cause problems with memory. I hope that he can adjust to the CPAP machine. It may take trying different masks to find what works best for him.
I hear that you are exhausted and angry. It's okay to be angry, it's a normal emotion. You are only human and you're coping with what probably seems like an endless, Sisyphean struggle. And from what you've described, I suspect that the frustration and resentment has been building for some time. So, how are you caring for you? Do you have ways of nurturing or re-energizing yourself? Counseling can be good, although it sounds like your situation makes couples counseling complicated due to his memory problems. Perhaps individual counseling would help you right now.
Most of all, remember to be kind to yourself.
'med" related, it may be hopeless.
Best of luck.
For better diagnoses, please see a neurologist. He can also schedule some therapy classes to help with trying to expand his memory capability or to devise work arounds.
Together, design reminders throughout the home, his office... Maybe he can start keeping a journal/appointment book to remind him of important tasks, appointments... Maybe keep reminders posted on the frig and a bulletin board at this office.
If he isn't able to use these reminders, it may be time for early retirement. Please consider taking up the tasks your husband is incapable of remembering: cooking, paying bills, shopping... and probably driving. Let him help with all tasks he is capable of completing.
He has seen a neurologist and we like her. She is also a psychiatrist. We will go back and see her and see what she thinks. She is the one that ordered the MRI. It only showed age-related findings.
I am going to start putting reminders around the house. It will keep me from having to remind him several+ times a day to do things I've asked him to do.
He has no problem with driving except he will panic now and then, and he does our laundry and washes the dishes and vaccuums the house and does most of the outside work, but his indurance has definitely gone down in the last 2 years. That is probably due to his AFIB he's being treated for.
Thank you for answering.
Anger is more common than you might think. Even when the person being taken care of is gravely ill and dying, a caregiver may feel anger at difficult behaviors and negative verbal exchanges.
I am glad you found this forum and can share your story. It helps to articulate your frustrations. A Caregiver Support Group might be helpful, too, if you find one near you.
Good luck to you. Let know how you are doing.
Hug to you,
Unitetogether
Thanks
See if you can find a geriatric psychiatrist for an evaluation. They know specific testing and also age appropriate medications. It seems some of this might also be a long standing disorder which he can no longer compensate for because of additional age related declines.
I would encourage you to get both help in the home as you are on overload. Additionally find some counseling support, perhaps at the same location that you have your husband evaluated. You need someone with a clear understanding of the psychological issues of the person you are caring for.
We all change through out our lives. It is a loss, and part of what you are feeling is grief.
What it was, my brain stopped going to sleep at night. I fell asleep all the time but woke up tired every morning. I was in a fog all the time and couldn't remember anything. Went to many doctors was diagnosed eventually with CFS. I still have it to a lesser degree. Common after a viral infection. The key thing for me to get my memory back was to get back to sleeping normally. It took me 6 years. I never had a sleep problem before this. I read science books to learn what the brain does to go to sleep. Brain needs sunlight in the day time and then darkening light in the evening to trigger the chemicals in the brain for sleep. So I went out every morning and sat in the park near me. In the evening turned off the tv and lights at home. Also worked on meditation to try to get to delta wave sleep. Over the years, to my surprise, my memory returned. Little by little, not all at once. Now my memory is very good especially for age - 78.
You said he has sleep difficulties and I can tell you that can cause memory problems. He must have had some of this when you met him. Things tend to get worse as we get older. Doctors don't seem to take not sleeping well seriously. I know it was part of my problem. I don't know if a sleep study would help show the difficulties he has. Please stop yelling at him. It doesn't work. I was living alone while I had my stuggle with not knowing what I was doing and it was scary. I made some systems to deal with life to help myself. I was glad that nobody saw me a mess. I wrote on my computer every day what I did that day. Writing things down helps. A plan for the day step by step. Lists in detail. Shoping lists, to do lists in detail. I would suggest you communicate, briefly, in writing. You know he has this deficit. Maybe he should retire from his job soon. He seems also to be easily distracted. Not sure if that is part of the same problem. It could be. Do you know if he was ever exposed to toxic fumes? There are so many things that can harm our brains. It is too complicated for most doctors to find the answers you need. I would think that if his sleep quality could improve you might see what other problems remain. It could take some time to see the improvement. I was surprised by what happened to me and that improving my quality of sleep brought back my memory and my ability to think. I wish you all the best with your efforts.
mental exam (don't tell him this word) He probably is getti ng
dementia
She said they don"t like to usethe word. That was 2015. He may have 2 things wrong