Hubby has been in MC for two months. He's more cognizant than most other residents and well aware that he's "not like them." However, I do notice him slipping more and more. Every time we talk, he keeps insisting he's coming home as soon as he finishes six weeks of PT for post-op back surgery. He keeps confusing that with his dementia and goes back and forth with his stories. Point is.... I can't really put him off with fiblits because he's too aware. Now he's reading articles on the internet that he swears back him up that HIS dementia is not going to get worse, and he'll live another 10 years (to 93) and die in his own home. He doesn't ask, he INSISTS. I've given up with the "explaining" (I know... it doesn't work) but the fiblits don't work either and now I just remain silent. Now he's accusing me of not wanting him home, which is true because I was sole caregiver and his decisions and outbursts were getting dangerous. There's no WAY I can go back to that, but I face either a knock-down-drag-out fight (that will hurt him and he may not even remember), or this repetitive aggressive stance he's taking that makes me dread talking to him. Any suggestions of what I can say or do?
I would not place him in his own apt with a caregiver. That would mean you are then involved with overseeing that the aide is there doing her/his job. Aides are too unpredictable. And it would mean 24/7 care that would cost as much or more than the MC.
They always want to go home. Its familiar. Those suffering from a Dementia cannot be reasoned with and get self-centered. He is safe and cared for. You don't need the stress that caring for him brings.
It's difficult for sure, for both of you.
Does your husband have money? Is there any chance he could live in a small place on his own, with a caregiver? That costs money of course. But so does living in MC.
If your husband is horribly unhappy in MC (and his mind is "very aware"), and if it's at all possible, maybe he should get out.
We ourselves might not realize how terrible it can be to live in that specific MC. That particular MC might be wonderful. But, it might be a feeling of being imprisoned.
Many of us have been in hospital for a few days in our lives. We know the feeling: we can't wait to go home. Some people have experienced being in a facility (even a wonderful facility) for a short while: they want out. Not everyone wants out. Some people do.
It's extremely understandable that - you - can't care for your husband in your home. It's too much. It was destroying you.
Can he live somewhere else?
In the future, if necessary, he can return to a facility.
You know your husband. You know the full picture.
What would you want done to you, if the roles were reversed? Maybe you would want your husband to insist on MC. Only you know the full picture, what is best.
When my mother's dementia advanced and she began demanding I take her home to live with me, I let her know that was impossible due to her myriad of health and mobility issues that I could not possibly handle myself. That was the honest truth of the matter, too. I repeated myself as often as necessary and eventully, Ativan was prescribed by the doctor in low doses when her agitation increased and became aggressive. It helped her a lot, thankfully, and she relaxed quite a bit.
Call the nurse to see how dh is really doing on a daily basis and if he can be given a daily job, like Peggy Sue suggested. You can't really "do" anything about this situation but the MC can help him out, along with his doctor. It also takes time to adjust in MC, especially for a person who doesn't see themselves as having an issue that requires them to be there in the first place.
Dementia is a no win situation for everyone, isn't that the truth? You can't bring him home for obvious reasons, so give him a chance to adjust and ask the staff to give him a job.....that should help.
Best of luck
This might be sorting nuts and bolts or passing out Bingo cards. Whatever it is, he will feel like the "boss" likes him, that he's useful and that he's appreciated.
Maybe have some vague responses ready like "we'll see how it goes" or "I'm not sure if that's a good idea at this time". Acknowledge that it's hard for him, etc.
Good luck.