My husband is angry at me and will not eat or sleep in the same bed. He has early Alzheimer’s and he seems to hate me. Any advice?

Have you reported this change in mental status to the doctor who is following his dementia?

He may have a UTI.  He may be going through a paranoid stage.  There are meds that can be prescrbed for his agitated behavior.

You probably didn't do anything. He has dementia. His brain is broken. If this started a few days ago, I suggest you report it to his doctor. Also inquire whether a test for a UTI might be helpful. (UTI has strange behavioral symptoms in older people.)

This anger may pass as suddenly as it came on. Or not. Sigh.

Early onset ALZ is when the dementia starts before age 65. Is that what you meant? Or did you mean early stage dementia -- near the beginning?

Ellie, do you not drive? I realise this isn't the main point of your post, but it will become an issue. If you don't, perhaps you had better learn. Or get used to Uber.

If your husband doesn't respond to your questions about what is upsetting him, how about just stating the facts. Say something like "I can see you are upset and angry. I would love to help put things right."

It could be simply a phase of the dementia on its own; but if it were I'm not sure you'd have got the chauffeuring complaint. Bear in mind that he can be angry in general, and upset in general, without its being anything you have done or, sadly, can help.

Lots of great answers here on dealing with Dementia, UTI. As someone else said on another post is to try gentleness in dealing with his grouchiness. Have you tried a serious talk— Dear, I am on your side. This is our marriage. We are a team. You do this and I do that. If he’s being abusive that’s another whole issue and you need to be in a safe place.

Thank you for all your responses. He is 80 and maybe he is a later stage of ALZ. He did have an MRI last week and other things were ruled out. He just slammed out the door and came back. He hates me and says I am am immature person and it’s all about me pitying myself. He wants to leave me. Sorry, I guess he is making me think it is me!

My grandfather left my grandmother but came back after a few weeks. Maybe a little time a part not so bad. Be kind but don’t be his door mat. If he’s not in his right mind you may need to get the authorities involved. He is vulnerable to being taken advantage of financially. As my grandfather gave away a car and money.

Ellie, those of us who’ve dealt with loved ones who have Alzheimer’s or dementia know that it is a “thankless” disease, if you will. It’s like growing up with a sibling and getting yelled at and punished for something they did, and no one ever finds out that they did it.

Your hubby is not the person you remember him as. And, if he could go back to that time and see himself now, he’d probably be shocked and upset. When my mother was in a nursing home with dementia, she told me once that “someone” told her her aide was her daughter. I spent a half-hour saying “No, Mom. I’M your daughter!” It was fruitless, but she was very accepting about this aide  being her daughter so I finally gave up.

I agree, if you don’t drive and if it’s possible, learn. If not, investigate whether your city offers door to door community transport services like ours does. Since this is a sticking point with your husband, you’ll need to find an alternative. Frankly, he probably shouldn’t be driving anyway.

We tend to sound like broken records when we say check for urinary tract infections, but they can be awful in seniors. My meek and mild mother became combative when she had one and wound up tied to the bed in the hospital.

As for eating, put the food in front of him and leave it. He will eat when he’s hungry enough. If he attempts to cook for himself, supervise from a distance, but let him. If he should by some chance throw the food on the floor, silently clean it up, wash the dish, put it away and leave the room.

Please come back and let us know how you’re doing. Someone is always here to listen!

Unfortunately, it's probably not yet possible to know specifically what people with dementia are thinking, but I wonder so often if they have some idea that something is amiss with them, and particularly with their ability to reason.

If so, I often wonder as well if they recognize that they're slipping away, losing cognitive function, and become frightened or resentful (or both), and lash out at others in frustration. Or perhaps that resentment is a function of which area of the brain is specifically compromised at that point in time. I don't know if medicine has progressed to the point that it can identify which portions of the brain have been compromised and where the placques are.

It's such a sad and frightening disease.

GA, I absolutely believe that what you say is true. I remember visiting Mom and she was off the wall. Then, just as I was getting ready to leave, she passed the mirror above her sink and said, “You know, nowadays when I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize myself anymore.” It was one of those “Just kill me now” statements.

Trouble is, we don’t live in their world or in their minds. And like you wrote, Medical science has yet to pinpoint the reasons why anger and paranoia can be such a huge part of Alzheimer’s and dementia. They yell at, insult us and carry on and we always seem to be a step behind them. They’ve moved on and we’re still smarting from the accusations. It is sad and frightening. For everyone involved.

Ahmi, I agree with you.

I wish some of the people so intent on creating and perfecting Artificial Intelligence devices would focus on more widespread needs such as developing an AI robot that can similar dementia. I'm sure all those geniuses could create a brain with placques and discover something that's beneficial to medical science.

Thanks again, I am at a loss for what to do. If I cry which I always do, he says you are on the pitypottty. I cancelled my RA appointment today because I was so upset. I can drive and maybe I should. Kind of rusty but I know I can do it. However, this will probably agitate him more! His car is his baby. So far, his driving is fine. Just gets mad at the way other people drive. He is a retired police officer.

Ellie, From what I am reading, I am concerned for your safety. It sounds like a form of mental/emotional abuse. It sounds like you are walking on eggshells and you should not have to live like this. Have you spoken to his doctor about his abusive statements? Have you spoken to Your doctor about it? Is he on medication? Was he always domineering? Are there weapons in the house from his past profession? I hope you get more ideas from others knowledgeable on this forum on how to deal with this.

GA, I’ve been pondering the same question you raised...what is happening inside the mind of our loved ones. My Mom was always a happy and sweet lady. Even with her dementia progressing, and subsequent vision loss, amazingly she was still happy and singing and seemingly unconcerned about her condition and never complained. She has started on Namenda about a month ago in an attempt to deal with sundowning, and now she seems to be a little more aware of what’s going on. She can hold a better conversation and seems a little sharper. But she also seems a little more fearful or afraid of her surroundings, a little sadder than I’ve ever seen and has gotten more needy for my presence to reassure her that she’s safe and well taken care of. Yesterday she said she doesn’t “ like herself”. Never heard that before. Not sure if it’s the medication or just progression of the dementia, but I’m not liking this new “awareness”.

Ellie, one more thought...he says he wants to leave you. Does he have the mental or physical capacity to do that? Is he capable of planning that move successfully? Or is this just more hurtful talk knowing he couldn’t follow through? Do these outbursts ever turn violent or are you afraid they could?  Is there another family member that could stay with you for a while as a support person/witness? I definitely would brush up on my driving skills so you are not so dependent on him. It’s your car too, right? I cannot imagine under what circumstances my DH would not “ allow” me to drive our car that would be acceptable to me. 
In our area we have Vera House which is an advocacy group for women who are being emotionally/sexually abused.  Your situation has a twist in that your husband also has possible dementia, (has he actually been diagnosed?) but a similar group in your area may help lead you to more action plans or support.  Just a thought. 

Ellie, have you talked to his doctor yet about his change in mental status?

Please stop guessing and doubting yourself.

If your husband has been someone who verbally abused you during your entire marriage and you're done with, that's one thing.

But if this has been a good marriage of true partners and now he's verbally abusive all of a sudden, you need to call his doctor and say " he's acting crazy, paranoid and abusive. I'm afraid for my safety. What should I do?"

Ellie, how is it going?

Worse. I just posted a new update. Thank you for asking!

Ahmi, your observation that "we don’t live in their world or in their minds prompted more rambling thinking again. And like you wrote, Medical science has yet to pinpoint the reasons why anger and paranoia can be such a huge part of Alzheimer’s and dementia." is something which I've thought about.

Rockektjcat and Ahmi, our brains still hold mysteries to be discovered, especially relating to dementia. I'm still working on getting better acquainted with mine, as it often surprises me!

It seems that the portions affected must control emotions and rational thinking, but also behavior, because those seem to be fairly common with those who have some form of dementia. Pretty obvious, I guess. From there, the different kinds can manifest in different ways. But I think there is a commonality.

I've wondered if the different strains of dementia arise from the source...i.e., I've noticed that when I'm stressed and eat too much chocolate, it sometimes calms me, but if it's food that's not dark chocolate and has a different composition (with refined sugar and refined flour), I respond differently, more like a scatterbrain and unable to think clearly. (That' the best reason to get rid of the goodies, which I did when I threw them out last week.)

I don't know enough about the brain (my own included) to know which parts can and are affected, beyond that the nerve endings are apparently one where the connections are severed - telomeres and something like that. I think amazing progress has been made though in the connection between dementia and football injuries. However, most of us don't play football and presumably don't suffer concussions.

Rockektjcat, your observations of your mother are interesting. My mother was also a gentle person (first generation born to immigrant parents who fled a genocide) and I attributed her often meekness to her diasporic history. My grandmother was similarly meek; I think she still remembered the trauma of being separated from her parents to escape when she was only in her teens.

So there's some genetic history and common causality there. But I also wonder if meek women are more prone to being targets of aggressive men, formerly in authoritative positions. (As I read that over, I realize I'm not connecting or articulating my thoughts that well, but it's still early for me!).

Rocket, your mother sounds like a basically happy person. So, I wonder, is her dementia affecting a different part of her brain, or is the dementia more related to her lifelong personality, i.e., does dementia manifest in different ways depending on the person's own individual personality? I suppose that's a common conclusion, common sense perhaps. Still....I wonder....


Ellie, his former profession as a police officer explains a LOT. He would have become accustomed to being in control, of having authority and power over others. I'm not saying he would misuse that power, but it is a LOT of power to wield.

You wrote that you cry a lot - that could be interpreted as weakness to a man who has been in a profession of showing strength. And it could be a reminder of what he's going to lose, one way or another, through dementia. I'm guessing he's a kind of "suck it up!" guy? Was he by any chance in the military at one time in his life?

But now he's losing control...of something that's probably the most important to each of us - our own lives. I think that happens to others in similar professions of being paid to exert a measured and appropriate amount of control over the lives of others, under specific circumstances.


BTW, I was unable to find your new update. Is it on this thread? Also, could you update your profile to enable others to see your answers? I searched for another thread but couldn't find it, so as yet I haven't seen your latest update.

GA here is her update. It ended up in the discussion category.

I hope she has called 911 as suggested.

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/husband-was-diagnosed-with-alzheimers-this-year-he-is-80-years-old-and-is-very-mad-at-me-439348.htm

Yes, in Moms NH setting, it’s very interesting to observe the various ways that the residents behave. I’m there every day so I get to follow some of their “progress” or decline. She is not on the dementia floor, but it’s obvious that many have it in some stage. Some are mild, some mean, some crabby, some nonverbal, some talk crazy and are definitely inside their own heads. Every single one is different. She is the happiest one there, but I do wonder if they are just farther along than she is? She never was “meek” as you mentioned...she was a single mom and a career woman as they called it back then. Very independent and held her own in a mans environment, and taught me to do the same. Always a positive person. I wonder sometimes about the previous lives of the mean and crabby ones. And I also notice that those rarely have family visit. Are they crabby because they have no visitors, or vise-verse? It’s a fascinating place to observe people.

I just posted again on the "discussion" update and reiterated that she really needs to call 911.

Rocket and Barb, thanks. I'll check out that other post.

Tell him if he wants out he knows where the door is....if he wants to go on vacation without you give him space! Absence makes the heart grow fonder! Encourage him to find friends & hobbies away from you. He probably feels unappreciated. Do you lean/depend on him? Ask him what he wants. Tell us if this works...any of these ideas!

CaregiverL, please see Ellie’s follow up post. The situation has deteriorated and we now are even more concerned.

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/husband-was-diagnosed-with-alzheimers-this-year-he-is-80-years-old-and-is-very-mad-at-me-439348.htm

Sounds like he UTI if you don't get it addressed it'll get worse

During the early stages, they seem to know they have a problem and get confused, angry and frustrated with something they can not control and they tend to lash out at those close because it is hard for them to comprehend. Be there for him but give him space. This is a difficult time for both of you. Sometimes speaking to a geriatrician or counsellor can help you cope and understand what you are dealing with and the different stages.

My heart goes out to you, always remember he loves you and if he did not have alz he wouldn't behave like this. It's a truly horrible disease. You need to be in a safe environment, maybe it's this for full time care. I know it's horrible to think about but you need to be safe.

Great answers/suggestions here. My husband also had delusions and hatred towards me at the beginning, and it lead him to run away. After the doc put him on seroquel (there are other meds out there), he became less angry. He still lashes out at me from time to time but I have accepted that this is not going away and will stay with him until he dies. Just make sure he does not hurt you.

My mom got like that about my dad in the beginning of her dementia really showing itself. She was full on against dad, said he was trying to kill her, poison her, wouldn’t come out of a locked room...she’d stored her provisions in the closet.

We found mom an AL facility and some medication from the psychiatrist and she’s happier. They always have been adversarial so this works well. I don’t want them together 24/7, it’s not good for HER. He visits and they are polite to each other. Asked if they wanted to move into the AL together (same room) both quickly said NO!

The filters are off. Whatever he has thought comes out plus craziness with it!

My Mom was adamant that I was her sister and my kids (her actual grandchildren) were her niece and nephew. She also insisted that her husband was her father (Freud would have loved her, ha ha). It upset her when we corrected her so we went with it. Your husband may be confused and frustrated trying to understand all kinds of things that we can’t know. It may resolve to a new “normal” as time goes on. My mother actually became more gentle over time and she was an angry, fiesty woman most of her life. Hang in there!

I HATE TO TELL YOU but gt use to it he is not his self anymore ..did you see walking dead ?? so did you see the part when they went to the C.D.C center for disease control in Atlanta ..they show how there brain transform then dies then they come back as zombie's ..well in a way that is what is happening to your husband ..you will have good days & bad .do you know what is sun downer is my mom started around 2 pm ..they get cranky ..real cranky ,like you do not want to deal with them ..so keep track of when that happens ..so the next thing is give him from 3 mg's up to 10 mg's of Melatonin you can find them at the drug store i got mine from walmart .look in the vitamin part at walmart & ask at drug stores .believe do this a hour before he starts give him the melatonin it might make him sleepy but give him that will calm him down .my mom would make threat to kick me out of the house ... there is so much your going to go thru ..if you have not YOU NEED TO TAKE HIM TO A PSYCHIATRIST ..THEY WILL GIVE YOU A LOT OF HELP & YOU CAN TELL THEM THIS TO WHAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT MELATONIN .YOU NEED TO USE ALL THE MEDS THEY GIVE YOU AS A TOOL .YOU GOT a good 5 yrs to put up with different things ..i suggest you get ready to be focused to take care of everything like he will pass away it will come i know my mom is gone i barely made it to get most of the bills paid for they will want there money ..credit cards to so get everything in your name learn to drive if you dont you are gonna need to .1 day he will forget how to or get lost so you got to do it but one day he will get so weak he will not live that is what happen to my mom ..well they are like a box of chocolates you do not know what the next day will be like ..so good luck & enjoy the good days