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Clsue63 brings up another good point - in our case too - my FIL went from being fairly independent when BIL and SIL moved in to nearly 100% immobile and dependent in the span of a year once they moved in. He literally cannot leave the house now without at least two of us transporting him anywhere. The entire house had to be retrofitted to enable him to stay there (lifts, bars, walkers, hospital beds, toilet seat lift seats, special chairs, special tables, tv on 24/7 LOUD, lights on or off at special times, yelling for help whenever HE needs it 24/7. There are NO children in his house. He gets up at all hours to go to the bathroom and it is a production of the walker bumping down the hall from his room to the bathroom (near the other bedrooms) and bumping into the door jams with the walker and slamming doors and flushing toilets. Yelling for food or water at 3am. You get the picture.

So...ask yourself....is this something you want to put your children through? Will his space be away from the rest of the family to ensure that your children get the rest they need or will they hear him every time he gets restless at night? Will your Dh be up with him all night every night to care for his needs? When will DH sleep and will that make him your responsibility during the day? To care for him and your children? Your DH hasn't thought the logistics through.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2021
Listen to BlueEyedGirl94. Spot on.
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You should not do this. Your husband is dead wrong about 'just explaining' to the kids about his father's behavior.
How do you explain to a four-year old why this elderly person flips out in the middle of the night and starts screaming and yelling? Your little kid will be terrified and traumatized if you all move in with your FIL. Please don't do it.
Your husband is making you the bad guy and scapegoat because he knows you're right but feels guilty about it. That's something he has to work out for himself, maybe with a therapist. Do what's best for you and your kids and what's best isn't to move into your FIL's house and take him out of AL. Your husband knows this too.
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I hope you like changing adult diapers because that’s next for you if you move into FILs house. He needs a higher level of care than he did 1.5 years ago. Don’t you dare move FIL in with you or move into his house. He needs more than assisted living…maybe nursing home or memory care. Hubby needs to find another job. Children need to stay away from his abuse as it will get worse. This is a disaster waiting to happen.
Good luck & hugs 🤗
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We moved in with my mother-in-law 3yrs ago and.She went from some help to bedridden.Shes incontinent so I have to take care of that.she wakes me every night with hallucinations.shes nice then she snaps and is really mean.we have some help.but remember when there not here you have to take to appts.its hard and you have children.which will make it harder.
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MeAndMom1933 Dec 2021
RE: Hallucinations ... please get her checked for UTI. Hallucinations and quick changes in behavior are VERY common with the elderly when they have a UTI. I know, hard to believe, but I found this out the hard way with my father.
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You say he is in "Assisted Living" in your post. He is beyond this type of care I think. When we started assessing my FIL's needs - he hasn't moved yet we are just researching - he sounds a lot like your FIL. He needs assistance with most things. He is NOT at assisted living levels. He is at Skilled Nursing levels now at the very least. (not sure if there are any memory issues involved with your FIL that would necessitate memory care?)
There are so many red flags. Your FIL sounds like he requires 24/7 care. You mention that your husband would expect your FIL to pay him what he is paying the assisted living facility. I'm no expert by any means but that requires legalities and contracts or you get into dangerous territory with gifting and messing up Medicaid eligibility as CTTN55 mentioned and that is not something you want to start delving into or your family could be on the hook for paying out of pocket for private care for FIL if you can't care for him at home until the amount of money he paid you is paid back. He can't just pay your husband to care for him without some kind of paper trail/contract in place that covers your family legally to be safe.
Your husband is trying to 'do the right thing' for his father at the expense of everyone else. My gut tells me that since you have already done a lot of FIL's caregiving you will still end up with the lion's share, plus taking care of your children and trying to go to school.
As others have mentioned, there is more at play here than just FIL's care. Your husband does not appear to be taking all variables into consideration. Caregiving can do a lot of damage to all parties. It is 24/7 work - your FIL has to be SEDATED at night to control him. Is your husband prepared to NOT SLEEP at night to deal with his father to allow the rest of you some peace? Your children need a peaceful place to sleep to live. Extreme case of course but let's say your children are showing up to school every day falling asleep in class and the teachers start asking why and they tell them that their grandfather is getting violent every night and keeping them awake - all it takes is one concerned (mandated reporter) teacher or school administrator to call in a CPS report and you potentially have a CPS and an APS investigation on your hands. That's not meant to scare you and it's a worst case scenario but it's not outside of the realm of possibility.
You already know this is a bad idea. Your husband probably knows it is a bad idea. He just can't see it for the fog he is in right now for a number of reasons. A couple of things come to mind. You say he isn't working right now. Is he afraid he can't find work? Or doesn't want to go back to work? And this justifies that? He clearly feels an obligation to care for his father, but there are ways to care for someone that don't include hands on care, especially when you already have other people to care for. The problem I foresee is that your husband doesn't really have any idea of how much work this is going to be. And it is going to be much more than he imagined. And once he gets into it, he is going to expect you and the children to help because he is going to be bitter and angry about HIS choice very fast and think everyone else should help make HIS choice work for him.

I have other questions I'll add in another post.
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BlueEyedGirl94 Dec 2021
The other question from a financial standpoint - even if he could legally have FIL pay him the full amount that he is paying to the assisted living facility - so I'm guessing what somewhere between $3,000-$5,000 a month WITHOUT any assistance.(that's a very loose national average so it could be MUCH higher where you live, where we are it is on the higher side of that and Skilled Nursing is closer to $10,000) - there are questions. Does FIL actually make ALL of that or is any of it supplemented? Would ALL of FIL's monthly income then come to your family? If so - how long will FIL actually make that amount - is it all Social Security? Did he have any other retirement that may run out? Any investment type income that could dwindle?

Where I'm going with this is that his income is not infinite - your husband could pin your family's future on your FIL's income. What about YOUR family's future finances? What happens when/if your FIL has to return to a SNF? What if he needs more help than you can give? Or if he threatens or worse, one of your children or you? What is your husband's plan then? And moving your family into his father's house. What happens if the house needs to be sold to pay for your FIL's care?

I know you have thought of all of these things. I think your husband may have too - but I think he needs a calm, rational opportunity to discuss these things away from his father. Maybe with a counselor. But he needs to be able to see all angles of this BEFORE he makes any decisions because if he brings his father home he will expect everyone to make it work. And that is not what you want.
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Your husband has no idea whatsoever he is in for
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2021
Nope. He sure doesn't. A deer in the headlights.
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I like the idea of your H moving in with his father to see how it goes if he simply refuses to leave his father where he is. And you are not going to go over and relieve him of his self-appointed duties to give him a break.

So your son together is 4 years old, and one of your older sons is 13. How old is your other son? It's bad enough that your H isn't considering his own son's welfare, but I suspect is going to consider his stepsons even less.

Does your H have POA/HCPOA? You mention that you are the only family FIL has who live near him. Where is the rest of the family? Does your H have siblings?

What is your FIL's financial situation?

IF your H does end up taking payment from your FIL for taking care of him in his own home, please make sure you heed the earlier advice here and tell H that it must be done officially (taxes taken out), so that when/if FIL needs a nursing home, that he isn't disqualified from Medicaid eligibility because all the under-the-table payments to your H will be considered gifts.
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Oh my husband and I have this conversation all the time and it does not end up nicely. Husband is thinking with the heart and you are thinking with your brain.....How far is your FIL's home from yours? One plan we are thinking about if we were to move MIL out of MC is that the house right next door to us will be for rent soon. My husbands thought it we rent that house, put cameras in the house, hire someone for 8 hrs a day and then my husband would take the afternoon/evening shift and then the cameras would do for the evening. In theory it sounds as if it would work...then my brain kicks in and I begin to think of the logistics.....wandering at night, Foley catheter care if she pulls it out, him cleaning/bathing his mom if needed, etc.
If your FIL's home is close by maybe it he can move back there and your husband do 7 to 7 then hire an overnight person rather than all of you moving in. You still have your own space and it would be like husband is going to work. If you can work something like that out it would be much cheaper than a facility, husband gets to care for his dad, you get your space....of course there is a lot of giving but in the mindset this is not forever, it may work. Good luck!
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Beatty Dec 2021
Someone I know had a brother who did this. Left Mom with dementia home alone or with aide in day, called in morning, night & overnight as needed. Delusions, paranoia, refusing meds, wandering. The SIL said you do this if you must, I will not. She suggested NH many times.

Sadly the man died of a heart attack (only in 50's). The Mother was immediately taken into NH care, after a short time, she adjusted well.

I have told this story to my DH every time a whiff of that future fog drifts our way. Told him to enjoy living in his Mother's garage as she will rule the house & he will need his own space. Told him to get his life insurance increased too so at least I can live well on my own.
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Please please please, don’t do it. The unease you’re feeling now is nothing compared to what you’ll be feeling when the gravity of what you have done by moving him in with you. It will not end well, not a doubt in my mind.

My MIL (abusive, narcissistic, complete madwoman) came to live with us last August because it became apparent that she could no longer care for herself in the condo (we owned, not her).

It is so hard. So much harder than we thought it was going to be. We have two children (a 5 yr old and a 7 yr old) and they don’t like her, and she doesn’t like them. She does nothing but yell at them, complaining that they’re too loud, or that they’re scowling at her (meanwhile, she’s scowling at them).

However, unlike you, my husband sees her for what she is. There is no love here - this is a duty, one that we’d love to be rid of tomorrow if possible. We are limited on choices, but really we’re waiting for the day when we can’t take it anymore and refuse to pick her up from the hospital.

My grandmother lived with us while I was growing up, so I’m not biased against multigenerational living. It has to work for everyone involved otherwise it doesn’t work at all. What your husband is doing is sacrificing his own family for his father. Not sure what the reason is - maybe he doesn’t really know. But, to save your marriage, you both need to be calm and honest with each other. One person cannot be dictator deciding en masse what is going to be done. It’ll never work.

Right now you are in a horrible position, but please hold your ground. However hard you imagine it to be, have no illusions - it’s 100 times harder.
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AlsoChristie Dec 2021
Both of my grandmothers lived with my family for a large portion of my life. Our family never had any alone time. My father’s mother ruled the roost despite contributing absolutely nothing money or help wise. She hated my mother and never missed a chance to let us know it. I vowed as a kid to never have a parent live with us. My saintly mil made all of her kids promise NOT to take her into their homes.
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If dad has dementia, says inappropriate things, etc., it's entirely possibly he can't be trusted to care for himself and he may be a danger to himself or others. He might even have to go to memory care as it sounds like AL isn't enough. Unless you have some medical expertise/training, taking care of him could become a nightmare for both of you and him. My parent needed oxygen, catheter changes, daily injections, many pills, nebulizer treatments, back braces for compression fractures, daily wound care, chemo and radiation, etc. Got the whole house elder-enabled with walkers, transport chairs, corner pads, shower chairs, etc. You get the idea. All this while working my regular job. I took c/o my parents - actually pretty much lived in my car back and forth for 14 years because I never knew where I would be - my home, hospital, their home, at work, etc. But the biggest consideration should be your children. Children of all ages can be really affected and traumatized and it can follow them for the rest of their lives. I can't emphasize this enough. Let me say this again. I can't emphasize this enough. There are also the financial implications. Can you figure out a few scenarios that work for you and the fam? Can dad stay in AL and move into a higher level of care as needed? If you take him out, it can sometimes be hard to get them back into a good place if he has behavioral problems. Understand hubby wants to take c/o dad and maybe thinks this is a great plan but it isn't. Can hubby get a job and still visit dad? Can you visit too? Some facilities have clergy that will also visit weekly which is good if dad is religious. Is one option to move into dad's house (assuming that would be a financial saving for you) and hubby can get a job with a bit more flexibility to visit dad? I really hope you can come to a good decision that works for all of you.
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My SO was in the same situation with his parents. In short, I told him that if he wanted to make it his life plan to live in their house, I would not be going with.

I would have a word with the doc about the Seroquel or whatever that he is on. The hypotensive effects, possible tardive dyskensia, whatever in the mood-stablizer/antipsychotic class are greater than for sedatives in the benzodiazepine class (Ativan, Klonopin) but because they're a "controlled substance" people worry about addiction like that's the biggest thing.

It's not.

They used to call antipsychotics "major tranquilizers" and benzos "minor tranquilizers" because of how they affect people!
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Is a geriatric psychiatrist prescribing the meds?

Antidepressants shouldn't turn him into a Zombie. Neither should anti psychotics if they are being prescribed correctly and the doc is getting feedback on the effects the meds are having.
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valsutherland Nov 2021
A psychiatrist prescribed the medication. Any sort of sedative makes my FIL turn into a zombie. If he takes 1/2 a Xanax, it’ll take him a week to be back to normal. They prescribed him the antipsychotic and upped his dosage of Paxil. Then we find out that 2 separate doctors prescribed him antidepressants with different names and no one caught it. So they were double dosing him for a short period of time as well. He was so out of it, he was admitted to the hospital and detox off of the medication. It’s been crazy so I’m trying to understand how my husband feels. But no matter how I look at it, I always come to the conclusion that it’ll be a total disaster and I’d potentially be putting my kids in a toxic environment. My ex husband and I have a 50/50 split with the two older boys. I worry that if I make the move, they won’t want to come to our house on the week with me. I’m going to talk to him about moving to his dads by himself and see how that works out before we decide what we are going to do.
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Tell your husband not to let the door hit him on the way out.

If he's got a 2 year old and 4 year old, it's time for him to get another job and grow up. It would be an unsafe enviornment for the children to live with their grandfather.

The 13 year old could (maybe) understand Gramps can't control what he said. The toddler and pre-school aged children would not, and could suffer severe psychological damage in his rantings and ravings.
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If he can go Live with Dad as a Trial run what May happen is your husband will see after a couple Months That he Has Lost His Life and freedom . It is one thing if you are a lone caregiver - quite another to bring children into the Picture . Is it Possible to buy a tiny House and Put it in Dads yard ? that way if you have to go there you have a separate living space which will create a safe boundary for you . If you Own your home don't give up your Home . They use to have In Law apartments for a reason .... There are a lot of tiny homes on the market for the elderly .
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The Assisted Living Facility is not medicating your FIL; his DOCTOR is writing prescriptions FOR him TO be medicated, and the AL is carrying out the orders, first of all.

Your FIL belongs in a Memory Care ALF, not a regular AL, if he's in a regular AL, I don't know.

None of you are equipped or qualified to care for an elder with advanced dementia who stays up all night, wanders, has hallucinations, uses inappropriate language with the CHILDREN, etc. etc. What experience do either of you have caring for elders with dementia? What makes your DH think he can handle his father, the outbursts, the incontinence, the staying up all night, all of the chaos and the bedlam that goes along with dementia??????

And your children: why on earth should they be subjected to such chaos from their very ill grandfather? What kind of an environment is it going to be for THEM to grow up in? That is the main question, really, that should be addressed before your DH goes running off half cocked to whisk his father out of the AL and off to live in his own home with the two of you looking after him, and your poor children embroiled in the middle of the lunacy!

Your FIL wants your DH to 'buy him a woman' wink wink. Well, along with dementia for many men comes something known as ISB or Inappropriate Sexual Behavior. This can easily translate to him making sexual advances towards YOU or one of the children. The brain is broken; they don't know what they're saying or doing, yet WE are the ones who have to suffer the repercussions of their ISB many times! Then what? Will that be okay with your DH? The ramifications of dementia are many fold; people w/o experience have no idea what all they're signing up for when they agree to live with a person afflicted with dementia.

It sounds to me like your DH is thinking AHA! Now I won't have to work a real job anymore and I'll be able to take the $$$$ dad was paying to the ALF every month and pocket it, and 'all' I have to do is devote my family's entire LIFE to caring for him! Voila! What a great deal! Except what sounds good on paper often turns into a living nightmare in reality! Why do you think your FIL is being 'medicated'? Because his behavior is impossible to control, yet DH thinks YOU and HE can control his behavior without meds?

This is a horrible idea and you know it. Let your DH move into dad's house alone with him for a month. Let him take over the care and management of his father with no help from anyone to see what it's all about. In under a week's time he'll be furiously making phone calls to see where he can place dad once again b/c he'll be out of his mind with grief and lack of sleep. Watch and see. Just tell him you want him to do it alone for ONE MONTH to see how it goes first, before you and the kids decide whether you want to join him.

That's my advice and suggestion to you. Let DH fall flat on his face and then you won't have to do anything except say I Told You So under your breath.

Wishing you good luck and Godspeed as you travel this road with your family.
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valsutherland Nov 2021
Yes yes and yes! We’ve had the same discussion a thousand times! I think it’s possible for him to move in with his father for a few months. The only thing that sucks, is his dad has amazing renters in his house now so he’ll be losing them to move his dad in. He’s planning on converting his dads garage into a room too so that’ll be costly to just call it quits. I think counseling is a must too. We have 5 months before we decide on any move so maybe a professional telling him that his priorities are not where they should be and confirm a lot of what I’ve been saying for months. My husband just thinks his dad is lonely and that’s where the hyper sexual behavior is coming from. He feels like if he’s seeing his family everyday somehow that’ll ease up.
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maybe your husband could take dad home to dad's house and live there with him for a month, as a trial run.
that would give him a chance to realize just what a bad idea this is...and for you and the kids to see what it feels like without your husband present all the time.

An assessment by a geriatric psychiatrist can be hard to arrange, but very helpful. Or start with a neurologist. Hallucinations and delusions are part of advancing dementia, and much more common in Lewy body dementia. Drugs are helpful and effective, and do need to be managed carefully.
A patient who has been agitated for several hours and receives a dose of an antiphsychotic is likely to fall into a deep sleep - partly as a med side effect but mostly as sheer physical exhaustion. If your FIL's dementia has progressed significantly in the past few years, chances are good that the damages in his brain also interfere with sleeping and waking patterns.
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Beatty Nov 2021
Excellent idea.

Often a 'trial of care' can cut though any magical thinking that love/grit will be enough.

It can start to move the conversation from "I must help!!" to how do we find a good plan going forward.
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Best of Cotton Hill Youtube video
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Beyond the caregiving of a disrespectful old man, I want to point out something entirely different: your husband's idea about the new residence for all of you.

Too, too often we see people coming here with a similar situation. They're either unemployed, under employed or their jobs just aren't making ends meet. So the person figures: mom/dad need full time help, and I have no job, so I'll give up my place to live and go stay with them and take care of them. Seems like a win/win at the time - caregiving child has a roof over their heads with living expenses taken care of, and mom/dad have the care they need.

What they don't ever seem to take into consideration: when the care needs become too much, more than any one person, no matter how willing they might be, can keep on top of, the caregiving child finds themself in a real jam. With no other place to live, the prospect of figuring out how to pay for care becomes all-encompassing. Either mom/dad run through all their savings, and have to look at Medicaid, or sell the home to pay for care. Then caregiving child finds themself with no place to live, and possibly unlikely unemployment prospects. So the child becomes somewhat "stuck" in a caregiving role that they are ill-equipped to deal with.

If your husband, who has been the primary income source for some time, decides that he can charge dad for his care, you had better make sure there's a contract in place; you had better make sure you declare the income on your taxes; in other words, treat this as a job. Because if the day comes that dad runs out of money and needs Medicaid, they're going to look at the payments as a gift of dad to son, and there are going to be penalties attached that might make dad unable to qualify.

It' a shame that much of this has to come down to dollars and cents, but it's better to discuss all of the possibilities BEFORE you make such a life-wrenching decision.
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rovana Nov 2021
Don't forget about paying into Social Security!
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Beyond subjecting you and the children to increased stress as well as inappropriate treatment, there's the significant issue that your husband made this decision on his own, and expects you to comply.  I use that word instead of something like cooperation, b/c he's handling in an authoritative manner.

And it is a very significant decision, especially to sell the house and move with your FIL.

This could be only the beginning of the stress that you and the children will face when you become subordinate to your husband and his father.

There have been several posts similar to this one, with similar circumstances.   The women were subordinated, frustrated, and reached the point of considering walking out and/or terminating the  marriage.

These are some other threads here on a similar level of caring for husband's family:

https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=Forced+to+care+for+FIL
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While your husband may be well intentioned towards his father, this is a BAD plan for your family. Your husband's priority should be you and his children.

Try to get hubby to see the light. Get him brainstorming for other solutions to this.

Though hubby may not like it, it might be necessary for his dad to be on some kind of calming meds. It is too much for your husband to be running there every time dad acts up.

His dad might actually need a higher level of care than AL can provide.

This is hard. Give husband a bit of time and leash to honestly and calmly talk about the options.

Good luck.
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Do you own or rent your home? If you rent, make good and sure your husband doesn't give notice to the landlord, because you will not be moving into Dad's place.

How are you paying the rent/mortgage now with him out of work and you staying home? This sounds to me like an "easy" way for your husband to get paid without working too hard (although he'll find out soon enough that's not the case at all), and a way to keep that inheritance from being siphoned off by nursing home bills. Of course, you will also get pulled into this caregiving role as well, plus your duties as chief cook and bottle washer won't diminish either.

This needs to be stopped before it goes any further, because I'm afraid you're going to be forced into a situation you can't get out of. Do you have any money of your own? Can you afford to live in your house with your children while your husband isn't working and is staying with his dad?

Just a flat NO to this whole harebrained idea.
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valsutherland Nov 2021
We been using our savings to pay for things since he’s been out of work. He’s dead set and keeps telling me to just trust him. And That nothing will change and he’ll do everything for his dad. He’s not thinking logically. He thinks the ALF is the reason why his dads health is the way that it is. That they’ve been keeping him so medicated, it’s made him incapable of taking care of himself. He broke his hip april 2020 and he hasn’t been able to walk or use the restroom by himself since. I’m about to start school full time too. We own our house and planning on renting it if we decide to make the move. It’s possible for me to stay at our house for a few months and let him move in with his dad as a trial run.
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Before the divorce talk gets going - is it possible to find DH's motivation? What is driving him?

Sometimes people misinterpret 'respect your elders' & think they must become a servant - still feel they must 'obey' their parent like a small child.

Or maybe it is a way to earn respect from the elder?

Here's a little poem that sprang into my mind..

Stand up, be The Man,
Hero Lone Ranger, losing
Wife, children, home.
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The kids are supposed to ignore it but, your husband has to go to the facility to help it so frequently that it cost him his job?

There is no excuse for abuse, ever. Dementia isn't a free pass to be abusive to anyone, especially children.

Your FIL is only going to get worse and he sounds like hell on wheels now. A loving husband and father does NOT subject his family to this kind of behavior. What is your husband going to do if daddy thinks you are the bought woman and hurts you? What would you do?

Encourage your husband to get his dad a geriatric psychiatric evaluation and get him on meds that calm him down without total sedation. It may not be possible because he is so combative and that isn't going to change with his address. But trying to get him stabalized now is the best solution for everyone.

Remind your husband that he didn't put his dad in AL, his disease did.

Can you and your children stay where you are with hubby paying the bills if he decides he's going no matter what you think? Because it could be a short lived experiment.

Edit: I wouldn't put up with my kids being treated rudely in their own home, so I would be more worried about me calling FIL and husband to task for messing with my kids. They don't deserve to be kept up all night with screaming fits and being verbally abused. A bully is a bully and that is what he is asking them and you to tolerate every minute your home. Not likely!
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valsutherland Nov 2021
When he made the rude comment to my son, I got super pissed and left. It’s hard because I’ve known his dad for 15 years and he was never like this. We’re also the only family he has where we live. I feel like my husband is putting his fathers happiness above ours though. I agree that there’s a real possibility it would be short lived. Especially because I’m usually the one doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, kids . He’s never really had to do any of it because he was working all the time. He’s told me that if we moved his dad in, he’d take full responsibility for everything he needs. We’ll see how that works out! You make a really good point about us staying in our house for the time being and let him go over there and care for him by himself for a while and see how that pans out.
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It won't work. Simple. Your husband thinks he can do this alone. He cannot and you will have to take on responsibilities that you absolutely do not want, since you see the idea as not workable before it even happens. You are correct to protect the children from rude comments. What is the advantage he sees in moving into his father's house with the entire family?
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valsutherland Nov 2021
We live on the Nueces River in a house on stilts so we definitely couldn’t live here with him. He thinks that he’s not getting the care his father needs for the amount he’s paying and he feels like ultimately he can do the best job. But At what cost? I’ve told him no place is going to be perfect. They were over prescribing his meds and his apartment smelled like pee really bad. We’ve got him off of the medication but they told us he’s been yelling throughout the night so I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before they put him back on them. He’s trying to avoid having him on the anti depressant medications because they turn him into a total zombie.
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This is so bad on so many levels. Would it be possible for your husband to move in with him and try it out for a month or two? You do NOT move in or you will be the buffer and his extra help. Let him live the consequences his actions.
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valsutherland Nov 2021
I would love to do that but his dad has renters in the house now. So he wants to move in as soon as the renters lease is up. I think it’s possible for him to move in with his dad and ultimately if it doesn’t work out, he’d just have to find new renters. The renters we have in the house now are amazing though so it would be a total loss.
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This is a bad idea on so many levels! Your husband obviously isn't thinking with a clear mind, and is perhaps just looking at the $ signs, and the fact that he won't have to go back to work.
Little does he know that he will be working harder than he ever has in his life unless he thinks that you will also help out with him on top of caring for the house and your children, which will be WAY too much for you, and you already know that. But sadly your husband doesn't, so perhaps have him read the responses you get over the next day or 2 and then see what he thinks.
I don't know too many sons who are willing to wipe their fathers butts and change their diapers(as that will come soon if it's not already here)and he certainly can't expect you to do that, so if he really wants to take on this challenge, tell him that he can move by himself in with his father, and for him not to be surprised when you end up filing for divorce.
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The answers will flood in - opinions based on your post & real lived experience. I am not a betting gal but I'd place a wager that 99% will advice to STOP THAT PLAN.

Keep calm. Keep from arguing with DH for your stress the kids sake if you can. But keep reading. Knowledge & support can turn this around. Hold on, it may be a very bumpy ride.

First - marriage counselling. It is not all a 'Dad' problem.. it is how your husband is thinking about his life priorities. A councillor can help him to SEE his situation better, then choose wiser.
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valsutherland Nov 2021
Thanks for the kind words! We talked about going to counseling for a long time. He has renters in his dads house right now so we have about 5 months before any move is actually going to happen. I’ve told him multiple times that I wished there was some way to just try it out. But the house we live in is on the Nueces river on stilts so we couldn’t do it here. My husband has stayed at his dads assisted living facility a few times but that’s not really a test run because he has all the providers there helping. I just don’t want to jump into it and everyone involved being completely miserable. It’s not just about us, his dad is 74 and hasn’t lived with kids for 30 years. My 3 boys would go over to his house before he moved to assisted living and he’d some times snap at them, just when we were visiting. It would be a hard adjustment for his father too.
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Do not do this. Children should not be told to not pay attention to his bad behavior.
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valsutherland Nov 2021
I agree. The one time he made the rude comment to my son, I got super upset and left. I’m afraid that we’re going to move in and he’s going to make a comment on the first day we’re there and I’m just going to have to pack up and leave. I understand that he’s not his self but children aren’t able to comprehend that. My husband thinks that if he’s caring for his dad, his dad is going to get better. That seeing us everyday will lift his spirits and he won’t be so combative and agitated.
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