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I am my husband's caregiver. My husband is very angry that he is ill and he takes out his anger on me. My husband is very verbally abusive and at times his behavior will go on for hours. At this point in time he has not been physically abusive. Sometimes the things that I say, even though I am trying to help him, will trigger his anger. My question is how do I handle this? Yesterday was a very difficult day. I even called my Son for help and later in the day I called the Social Worker. The Social Worker stated that I may need to leave my home. I am 67 and retired from my job in July of 2018. The dementia has gotten worse over the last 2 years. At this time my husband is not a candidate for a Nursing Home, he scored too low (a 3, you need a 4 or 5 to be consider for a Nursing Home) on the PRI Assessment. We cannot afford assisted living since it is out of pocket. We do not have long term care insurance since my husband was diagnosed 17 years ago when he was 56 years of age. Any suggestions? Thanks

If all other routes have been blocked..
Next time he becomes violent you need to call 911 or whatever the emergency number in your area is.
Tell them you feel threatened and that he may do you harm.
This should get a transport to the hospital. There you will state that you do not feel safe with him at home.
With luck medication can help control the outbursts.
You need to take care of you!
Yes the Social Worker says that you may need to leave your home...did they give you the answer as to who will care for him when you leave? Where you will go when you leave? Not much help if I can put my two cents in.
Is your husband a Veteran? If so the VA may be able to help and depending on where and when he served it is possible that the diagnosis my be service related and that would be a big benefit to you and to how much help you can get.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 3, 2019
Good suggestions. Great questions. No one should live their life in fear. Miserable, dangerous, stressful, not good for overall health, mental and physical.
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BEFORE you contact the VA for any benefits, speak to:
"PATRIOT ANGELS"
844-757-3047 www.patriotangels.com
They will assist you to understand the "increasingly difficult process" of applying for VA benefits from the Dept of Veteran's Affairs. P.Angels can/will refer you to "VA accredited attorneys" that KNOW all the what / why's of VA require-ments... VA has SO many pitfalls built-in! The average person's claim request for assistance will get "rejected" quickly or you'll get buried in "we need more info" forms / delays - many people give up or get "rejected" in those later forms (I believe the VA is hoping people will give up). ONLY with help from Patriot Angels & the referred VA accredited attorney, my 91 yr parents "successfully secured aid & attendance monthly benefits! Patriot Angels answered my "many, many questions", connected me to VA Accred. attorney & submitted our final application claim. & follow up "need more info" forms with documents "direct to VA" for my parents/me. I thank God P.Angels were there for me....I was very
overwhelmed daily just caring for both my parents.
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pronker Apr 6, 2019
Spouse has a basic non-wartime related VA pension; to also have aid and attendance took some months, but it did come in with help from the Veterans Service Office and is helpful. Thanks for suggesting patriotangels.
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Have you considered asking his doctor about a trial of a small dose of a mild antidepressant or tranquilizing medication?

You must take good care of yourself to be able to continue caring for him.

Hoping you find something that helps.........
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You must talk to his doctor about this change in his behavior! Meds can help!
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Madtoe Apr 6, 2019
I agree, I think his chemical imbalance is way out of the control.
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Regarding his assessment, did you let them know That he’s emotionally unstable and has been threatening?
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Did the SW tell you how to make sure he is safe if you leave and that you could be in serious trouble for leaving him alone?

When I read your post, I just got pizzed. Leave, that is such a stupid response to give in these situations. I would request a more mature SW that has the ability to actually help.

You have probably tried this, but when he starts in, agree, get mad at the disease with him. Cuss it, degrade it, and then stop him from attacking you by saying I am angry too, I didn't do this to you and you are not going through this alone, it effects us all that you have this. Be mad DH, but STOP taking it out on me. I often think that men handle things so much differently than women and they don't even realize that they are being raginrhoids until we speak up. They handle fear so much poorer than women and we can't wrap our minds around the reactions.

Is there any place locally that you can get a volunteer sitter? Someone to come talk to him while you go out? You matter and need to be cared for during all of this as well. Please find a way to get out and have time to yourself.

Next time he gets verbally violent, call 911 and tell them you need help he is having some kind of fit and you are scared he will hurt you. I know that will be so difficult to do, but you can't continue to live under his tyrannical behavior. You will feel better knowing he is getting professional help.

Hugs and more hugs.
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Lizhappens Apr 6, 2019
I had the same initial response about the social worker and her suggestion too until I got further into writing my post and I realized, well if he is a serious threat, then yeah the bottom line is she would have to find a new place to live. That is obviously the last choice because that such a financial burden.

And I should’ve added about when you politely confront - sometimes you can’t “politely” confront. you have to be out right in their face back at them. I have to admit I’m very cautious of being that way with a man depending on their size, their temper, their propensity towards violence. Only she knows her man, Yet the sad thing is these diseases change our loved ones & sometimes and they’re not the same anymore. Not a pleasant position to be in
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We went through something similar with pops which eventually ended up with him punching me in the face several times and my adult sons having to step in and pull him off of me. He's nearly 6ft tall and 180 pounds, I'm only 5ft tall so I'm no match for him when he gets physical. We were strongly considering placing him in a care home but tried a new neurologist who diagnosed his Pseudo Bulbar Affect and gave him medication to help control with his mood swings. He can still be very mean now and then but no more violence or screaming outbursts. Maybe if you can get him to a Neurologist they can help. Sometimes the medication route takes a lot of trial and error but it's worth it. If the medication had not worked for pop we had been told that we must call the police during one of his rages and have them take him to Psyche in order for him to get emergency inpatient care.
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Riley2166 Apr 7, 2019
Every time I read these stories, I can't begin to fathom why people allow this abuse. These people are not who they may have once been when they were lovable (maybe ??). They are monsters now and will be bigger monsters with time. You will be destroyed if you allow this to go on. They must be removed.
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Arden Courts is a 100% memory care provider and is a community with experienced dementia experts. I can assure you that my response is not a personal opinion as it is a professional suggestion.

It sounds to me that his PDD is accompanied by Lewy Bodies Dementia (LBD). I suggest bringing this to his neurologist's attention. Has he had a brain scan? This will confirm if it is LBD.

Knowing which EXACT form of dementia changes so much in how we interact with that person. I encourage you to look up LBD and see if the behaviors are familiar.

But always remember that your loved one isn't acting this way on purpose. Try not to get angry or upset or take it personally.

Speak calmly and softly to the person.

If the behavior is aggressive, back away. Give your loved one space. Then calmly approach him or her. Don't argue.

Consider the potential cause of the behavior. Is your loved one tired, hungry, in pain, frustrated, lonely, bored? Could it be a side effect of medication?

Respond to the emotion, not the behavior. Avoid trying to reason with the patient, this may often lead to frustration for both of you, because he may be unable to follow lengthy explanations.

Having a Lewy Body diagnosis may change the guidelines for admission in some places bc it is a high functioning form of dementia but with behavioral disturbances (early). Make sure to involve his neuro and be honest of your fears and concerns regarding his behavior. He may have a better chance of having him placed somewhere bc he knows LBD.
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Lhilburger Apr 7, 2019
Thanks for the support, I have spoke with the Neurologist about LPD and he stated that my husband does not have it, he does have Parkinson's Dementia, he is on seroquil. I don't think it is helping. I have a Nurse coming this Wednesday to assess the situation. I have also met with the Elder Source Lawyer to help with finances. The office for the aging is sending information about placement in a Nursing Home. Thanks again.
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he needs a combined anxiety/depression medication Insist on it from your doctor
i think moving out is a good idea. Could you live with your son and visit your husband during the day
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Wait, has he been this evil for the past 17 years? If so, you are a saint! If this is fairly recent, it could be Lewis Body Dementia setting it. It goes with Parkinson’s. He needs to be seen by his Doctor to know for sure. But there are medicines to calm him down, either way. If he won’t take them, crush them and hide them in his food, whatever you need to do.

We are here to talk anytime, sending hugs from Florida
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Lhilburger Apr 7, 2019
The anger has always been there, but in the past we would be able to discuss it. Within the last 2 years his symptoms have been worse and he is experiencing more difficulty functioning. I have contacted an Elder Source Lawyer and also a Caregiver Agency and they are sending a Nurse this week to evaluate the situation. Thanks again
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