Everything is an argument & his logic is gone. He’s gotten lost when driving, wrecked the car on a different occasion. He doesn’t remember events that happened. He’s hallucinated once that I know of. He said that he saw me standing at the back of my car. Nobody was outside. He’s starting to sneak money to his daughter that doesn’t know how to manage her money. We adopted my 2 grandchildren when they were born. Just for context, I’m 14 years younger than my husband. The kids are 14 & 15 years old. They’re both very aware that something is seriously wrong. He has the exact same conversations with them every day. He never engages in any kind of discussion with them other than the same exact lines. His grown children & his family refuse to admit that there’s something wrong with him. He went to a neurologist a few weeks ago, but it was about the veins in his leg. I talked to the doctor about his previous brain bleeds & his double vision. She suggested a neurologist that specializes in the brain & asked him if he would like to see someone. His exact words were, “no, I already know I have a brain”. We just bought a smaller house that will be easier to maintain. We haven’t put our house on the market because we don’t want to be rushed. He started moving things to the new house. He took all of the kids clothes. Their closets are completely empty. It’s this sort of thing every single day, & all day long. I’m mentally exhausted.
If he were to kill or seriously injure someone and it be found out that he had dementia symptoms and you continued to let him drive you both could be sued and lose everything, and then what? You have 2 grandchildren to raise, so you must now take some drastic steps to protect them and you and your financial future.
So once the keys are taken away or the car disabled then you can worry about getting him diagnosed. It definitely sounds like he has some form of dementia perhaps Frontal Temporal, so I would be keeping a journal with his strange behavior and then share it with his PC via the patient portal and the neurologist when you get an appointment.
This is serious and you're going to have to be the adult in this situation as your husband can no longer be. Sad but true, so do whatever you have to do to protect your family and those innocent people on the roadways.
Now you will need to make all his medical appointments with him and stay in the room during the exams "to take notes" or whatever reason he will accept. He won't like it, he'll fight it but you need to do it. You need to use therapeutic fibs to finesse getting him to do anything. Stop trying to talk to him like he is a rational person. You need to employ a different strategy.
You mentioned he has had brain bleeds and has double vision. Since they can cause dementia-like symptoms and may be addressed by his neurologist, you should take him back specifically for this exam, imaging and discussion. If you are his PoA then make sure to bring that paperwork and submit it so they have it on file. You need to submit the PoA docs at every different doctor he sees.
If you aren't his PoA you will need to ask for the HIPAA Medical Representative form. Write in your name and have him sign it. This allows the doc and medical staff to legally discuss his private medical information with you without him being present or requiring further permission from him.
You may want to tell him that his neurologist says he should not be driving until he had his "follow up" appointment. Remove his car and hide his keys. And keep the keys to your car on your person.
If his diagnosis is something irreversible and untreatable then you will need to begin thinking about the long-term and sustainable care for him. I wish you success in getting him in for diagnosis.
Keep a diary for a month of all he says and does, as well as the previous incidents. Present this to APS and ask for a wellness check. If they feel hubby is seriously impaired they can get you temporary guardianship through a judge to get hubby into care for evaluation.
You may want to tell him that this is your intention if he will not make a joint appointment with his MD and request neuro-psyc workup in the early new year.
Let us know if you have tried either or both of these things in the new year, and whether or not they work.
If they do not, you may need to conference with the "other children" and tell them it is your intention to leave and ask for division of finances. This will leave Dad on THEIR plates, and it may engage them to help you before this happens with a good intervention.