If your husband is 80, you are probably getting on for 80 yourself. Perhaps your daughter is thinking that a single story house would be good for you too. A house sale and move to benefit your DH in a fast -moving condition is one thing, getting you set up for your own old age may have much more going for it.
I’d suggest that you talk some more to your daughter. She may be finding it difficult to say that you need this, too.
I agree that the stairs could be a danger in his condition. But there are several possible options:
1) Can you create a bedroom, bathroom, living space on the first floor? Just keep the stairs off limits. Perhaps put a barrier in place if needed.
2) Could you afford to keep the house (at least for now), and rent a smaller single story home or apartment? As other posters have pointed out, selling the house and moving, and buying another home would be a lot for you to take on right now. Renting a smaller living space could be a great way to transition out of your two story home. You might find it suits your lifestyle. Or, you still have your house to go back to.
3) It may be time to look at assisted living facilities. Or memory care. Find one that you like Before you need it! You don't want to be scrambling to find an acceptable living arrangement when the need is imminent!
If he is confused and wandering, you need to block his access to going out any doors to the outside world! Or an alarm to alert you when he does. Wandering outside could put him in an extremely dangerous situation!
Dee - It's time you insist on hiring help. Your daughter should be helping YOU and leaving her dad's assistance to an aide who knows how to handle mobility limitations and dementia patients.
Is there a bathroom on the ground floor of your house? If so, is there room to make a bedroom for him on the first floor?
I don't see selling your house and buying a new one to be realistic for myriad reasons. Inventory is low. Prices are still high/overinflated. Mortgage rates are high. You will end up in a bidding war on any house worth buying.
Selling a house while trying to care for your husband with vascular dementia tells me your daughter has no idea how difficult managing those two things would be for you. Your daughter may have the best intentions, but she's not the one who is responsible for seeing any of this through! You are.
I recommend putting a lock on the kitchen door if possible. I also think you should start looking at placement options. And if he lands in the hospital for any reason, talk with the case manager/social worker about placing him directly from there.
This is hard stuff. Do what *you* need to do to get through this.
“He has fallen on our very steep driveway and does shuffle as he walks. I was going to hire a person to care for him a few hours a week but my daughter insisted she wanted to do it.”
Sadly your daughter may be right about the too steep driveway being too much for him and the fact that he is shuffling his feet would indicate to me that the dementia is progressing. What does his doctor predict regarding the shuffling?
I would seek physical therapy and see if he is ready and able to use a walker. A rollator might be too fast for him though my DH aunt progressed to one and loved it. I also used a transport wheelchair at this point. I’m just remembering the transition of DH aunt from great mobility to bedfast.
Moving to a new home won’t change the future and IMHO will be a huge problem for the both of you if your home is otherwise appropriate for you. He will need a hospital bed soon whether it is downstairs or in facility care. I'm sure your daughter means well. And it could be daughter would be okay with some extra help now that she has been hands on.
Your situation is certainly concerning. My mom started wondering and trying to escape during the night. Her doctor prescribed Seroquel and Ativan and the wondering stopped.
Please don’t hesitate to look into facility care if you feel like it is no longer safe for your husband to be at home.
I certainly understand that your daughter is concerned about her dad living in a two story home. It would be awful if your husband tumbled down the stairs.
Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult journey of caregiving.
I agree, moving him to another home would be confusing. If he is wandering out of the home, you need to make it so he can't get out. If round knobs on the outside doors, use child safety covers. You can get out, he can't. They just go around and around. If not round, get a deadbolt that key locks from the inside. Yes, they be a fire violation but if your with him 24/7 that should not be a problem. Keep the key nearby. Don't let him see where u put it. They can't remember from minute to minute but that they will remember.
If this is spiraling down to this extent the next step is not a complicated sale of a home and a move and another home. The answer would soon enough be another move for him into long term care, almost certainly. Your daughter and you know more about your living circumstances and safety than I can know, but this sounds to me like a whole lot of complicated travail in an already horribly complicated life. I can't know what your home is like, but it may be making more sense at this point to simply close off the upper story and move into the lower completely. I sure wish you good luck in future decisions that are tough to make.
I'm not sure how long your husband has had vascular dementia, but as you know, it is the most aggressive of all the dementias with a life expectancy of only 5 years, so I'm not sure that going through all the trouble of putting your house up for sale, and finding another would be worth it in the long run, right now anyway. Perhaps after he dies and you want something smaller for yourself, then it would make more sense. So until then is there a way to block off your upper level so your husband can't get up there? That might be a temporary fix. But if he is wandering especially outside, that is a sure sign that he may have to live out his days in a locked memory care facility, where he will be kept safe, and you won't have to worry about him getting lost. It's tough, I know, but you now have to do what is best for the both of you.
IMHO, You are right but could it be your daughter is concerned about your ability to maintain the current living situation? Do get help in the home and take care of yourself and don’t look to your daughter to provide help you could hire. It isn’t fair to her. What is your daughter’s concern as it relates to the stairs? It doesn’t sound like he has problems with mobility. As Souternwaver suggested, what about a bedroom on the first floor? I could name many reasons to not move but what is her reason for wanting you to?
He has fallen on our very steep driveway and does shuffle as he walks. I was going to hire a person to care for him a few hours a week but my daughter insisted she wanted to do it.
When wandering starts, his safety will be a problem unless he’s in a care facility with 24/7 caregivers. One-story, two-story, no matter. You will be challenged all day and all night to keep him from getting into something he shouldn’t. If I were you, I’d concentrate on finding a placement suited to his needs.
I’d suggest that you talk some more to your daughter. She may be finding it difficult to say that you need this, too.
1) Can you create a bedroom, bathroom, living space on the first floor? Just keep the stairs off limits. Perhaps put a barrier in place if needed.
2) Could you afford to keep the house (at least for now), and rent a smaller single story home or apartment? As other posters have pointed out, selling the house and moving, and buying another home would be a lot for you to take on right now. Renting a smaller living space could be a great way to transition out of your two story home. You might find it suits your lifestyle. Or, you still have your house to go back to.
3) It may be time to look at assisted living facilities. Or memory care. Find one that you like Before you need it! You don't want to be scrambling to find an acceptable living arrangement when the need is imminent!
If he is confused and wandering, you need to block his access to going out any doors to the outside world! Or an alarm to alert you when he does. Wandering outside could put him in an extremely dangerous situation!
Is there a bathroom on the ground floor of your house? If so, is there room to make a bedroom for him on the first floor?
I don't see selling your house and buying a new one to be realistic for myriad reasons. Inventory is low. Prices are still high/overinflated. Mortgage rates are high. You will end up in a bidding war on any house worth buying.
Selling a house while trying to care for your husband with vascular dementia tells me your daughter has no idea how difficult managing those two things would be for you. Your daughter may have the best intentions, but she's not the one who is responsible for seeing any of this through! You are.
I recommend putting a lock on the kitchen door if possible. I also think you should start looking at placement options. And if he lands in the hospital for any reason, talk with the case manager/social worker about placing him directly from there.
This is hard stuff. Do what *you* need to do to get through this.
I just saw this post you left below.
“He has fallen on our very steep driveway and does shuffle as he walks. I was going to hire a person to care for him a few hours a week but my daughter insisted she wanted to do it.”
Sadly your daughter may be right about the too steep driveway being too much for him and the fact that he is shuffling his feet would indicate to me that the dementia is progressing. What does his doctor predict regarding the shuffling?
I would seek physical therapy and see if he is ready and able to use a walker. A rollator might be too fast for him though my DH aunt progressed to one and loved it. I also used a transport wheelchair at this point.
I’m just remembering the transition of DH aunt from great mobility to bedfast.
Moving to a new home won’t change the future and IMHO will be a huge problem for the both of you if your home is otherwise appropriate for you. He will need a hospital bed soon whether it is downstairs or in facility care. I'm sure your daughter means well. And it could be daughter would be okay with some extra help now that she has been hands on.
Please don’t hesitate to look into facility care if you feel like it is no longer safe for your husband to be at home.
I certainly understand that your daughter is concerned about her dad living in a two story home. It would be awful if your husband tumbled down the stairs.
Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult journey of caregiving.
Your daughter and you know more about your living circumstances and safety than I can know, but this sounds to me like a whole lot of complicated travail in an already horribly complicated life. I can't know what your home is like, but it may be making more sense at this point to simply close off the upper story and move into the lower completely.
I sure wish you good luck in future decisions that are tough to make.
So until then is there a way to block off your upper level so your husband can't get up there? That might be a temporary fix.
But if he is wandering especially outside, that is a sure sign that he may have to live out his days in a locked memory care facility, where he will be kept safe, and you won't have to worry about him getting lost.
It's tough, I know, but you now have to do what is best for the both of you.
What is your daughter’s concern as it relates to the stairs? It doesn’t sound like he has problems with mobility.
As Souternwaver suggested, what about a bedroom on the first floor?
I could name many reasons to not move but what is her reason for wanting you to?
Believe me, he will figure out how to get out of the house 1st or 2nd floor.
His safety and your peace of mind must come first.