My husband has moderate dementia and needs 2 major surgeries. How can I tell him he has to do this? He’s refusing to go. He doesn’t get it.

I think you need to tell him its cancer. Then I think u need to consider the survival rate. If its Pancreatic, then the survival rate is low.

U need to realize that going under can make his Dementia worse. Then u have recovery. Whats involved with that.

Believe me, I’m not saying this rudely, but why must he have two major surgeries, regardless of what for, if he doesn’t want them? We never want to loose our loved ones, but if he’s ready to let go, and especially having moderate dementia, I think that should be respected.

I'm very, very sorry that you're facing this. It must be incredibly hard on you.

If you didn't know you had cancer, and someone told you you had to go for major surgery but didn't say why, would you agree? I can't see how you are going to get anywhere at all trying to persuade your husband on the one hand, but trying to keep the diagnosis from him on the other. What have his doctors said to him? Have you and he and they discussed the situation all together?

Then... of course I don't know anything about your husband, or how you and he are managing with his dementia, or what your quality of life is like, or what your plans have been for when he becomes more badly affected over time. But cancer treatment is hard enough for younger people who are otherwise fit and well. What is it going to do to your husband? And what are its chances of success, realistically?

I don't want to crash into your feelings or your peace of mind, here; but have you considered discussing with your husband's doctors the option of not going ahead with the treatment?

I hate to be a downer but maybe your husband, despite his dementia, is seeing things more clearly than you are right now. There really is no such thing as minor surgery when you are 85 and already suffering from a life limiting condition (and make no mistake, almost all dementias are terminal conditions). Have you asked the doctors what the outcome would be if he chose not to treat the cancer, as compared to seeking treatment?
The book Being Mortal by Atul Gawande is a very insightful discussion of these issues, AgingCare has an article that gives some highlights

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/an-end-of-life-conversation-led-by-gawandes-questions-205721.htm

I'll also include a link to a video on the topic:

https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/frontline/film/being-mortal/