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Maybe I'm being selfish but myself and my husband have been together for over 26 yrs we have 4 children 2 adult children and a 16 year old and 11 year old. For our entire time together his mother never liked me and to be honest I never liked or trusted her either. Things gradually got worse 10 yrs ago when my father in law died suddenly. We both took her into our home thinking it would be only temporary. How wrong, 3yrs later after totally doing her best to break our marriage she eventually moved home. After letting my 2 children sleep on a floor for all that time while she took over their bedroom and house... my husband I guess was at the moment grieving for his dad and couldn't see what was happening until 2 of the kids moved out and refused to come back until she left. At this point it was like there was a huge barrier between myself and the kids and my husband and his mother. Let me add he also has a brother who just wouldn't take her in. So after 3 years living with her we get rid of her, fast forward to now and the past 3 mths up until 3 wks his mother was in hospital for 2 bad cases off pneumonia and after going against doctors advice she begged my son to bring her home. She is now completely paralyzed needing round the clock care and who's left to pack up and move out this time, my husband, because she made him promise her when her husband died never put her in a nursing home and he had to obey her!! He is in a different town with her, washing, changing, lifting, feeding, given her medication as she can now only use her mouth. Everyday I call to see him she looks almost dead and as soon as myself and husband start talking she calls him over to keep all the attention for her. He hasn't seen his kids for more than an hour in the past 3 weeks, we also have a beautiful new grandson who was born 3 days before she got ill he never sees him it breaks my heart to see what he's doing and the control she still has over him. Am I just being selfish or do I have a reason to be so resentful towards her? While I write this let me add her other son is with his wife and 2 kids on a 2 week family vacation to Paris... we can't even go for coffee together anymore xx

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Are you wrong for feeling frustrated? No. Should he be at home with your family? Of course. But his mother needs help and he perceives she is his responsibility. What would you do if it was your mother?

I would have a talk with him about hiring a home care agency to assist with the care of his mom. It's too bad if she doesn't like the idea. He's responsible to you and your kids to be a husband and father first.
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Reply to SueC1957
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Lost, SHE doesn't care about him, she is only concerned that her needs are being met, you already know she is toxic or you wouldn't have had to move her out.
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Reply to cwillie
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The thing is he knows its breaking my heart to see a very healthy man who always took care of himself with the gym and weightlifting he's now not eating right hes drinking alcohol in the evening he is broken and she nust see this xx
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Reply to Lostcause
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The resentment you feel towards your MIL is understandable however you're husband isn't innocent either. His mother isn't holding a gun to his head. He's made the choice to take care of her over being a part of your own family that you two created together.

Frequently adult children promise their parents they won't put them in a nursing home and they absolutely mean it when they say it but adult children have no understanding at the time that promise is made of how damaging being a full-time caregiver is. What it does to us and how it can destroy our own families and relationships.

You're not being selfish. It's not selfish to expect your husband to be a husband and father to his children, to be a part of all of your lives. But he's making the decision everyday to choose his mother over his family. His mother isn't holding him prisoner. But it sounds like so much damage has been done already due to his choice to care for his mother that even if he stopped caregiving today, hired someone to do it, he would come back to a fractured and resentful family that may not have a place for him anymore.
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Reply to Eyerishlass
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I'd say you husband is the one who has the worst of this. There are many threads on the forum about dysfunctional families and parents who control with fear, obligation and guilt (FOG), whatever the reason he can not seem to save himself but feels obligated to go down with the ship. It is reasonable for you to resent the control his mother has over your life and your husband's willful blindness to it but it doesn't get you anywhere. If you can find it in your heart pity the poor man and offer as much emotional support to him as you can while at the same time you plan and live your life to the fullest without him.
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Reply to cwillie
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