My husband has dementia and refuses to see a doctor. He shouts, swears and threatens me. I have a soft, helpful personality. Help!

Arlette,

Fawnby is right. Depending every state has some kind of help be it the Baker Act or a Social Admit that can get your husband evaluated and even placed if needs be.

When he is being vile and raging call 911 immediately. Tell them that youa re in fear for your life and for his because he is violent and making threats against you and himself. Tell them you also need an ambulance because he has to go to the hospital.

You follow the ambulance to the hospital. Tell the triage nurse in the ER (where your husband will be) that you need to speak to a social worker immediately because your husband will have to have a 'Social Admit'. Make sure to use the term 'Social Admit'.
Explain that he has dementia and is a danger to you and himself and that you cannot and will not provide care for him.

The hospital will evaluate him and they will admit him until a bed is found in a care facility appropriate for his needs.

You have to be strong and refuse to let him back home. If you have adult kids get them involved to help support you.

In Florida, there’s the Baker Act which provides for an involuntary hold on a person who is being a danger to himself or others. He’s evaluated and then plans can be made to make both of you safe. Other states have similar provisions. You can initiate through law enforcement. Someone I knew started the process through the hospital where her husband was a patient when he was acting crazy.

You should also take pix or videos with your phone when he’s doing some of these things. The first priority is to get away from him, of course, but if you have the opportunity to document his actions, you should.

Good luck. I hope you can stay safe.

This is one example as to how serious this can be.
A friend, that I met in the Support Group now has permanent injuries.
She told her kids that dad was getting violent..."oh, not dad, he wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone"....
She was grabbed by the throat and shoved up against a wall.....this resulted in permanent back injuries.
She was awakened one night when her husband wrapped one hand around her throat and had a kitchen knife in the other.
It was not until one of her kids saw an outburst that they believed that dad was capable of doing something like this.
So PLEASE take ANY threat of violence seriously. If it ends up being nothing, great on the pother hand that call to 911 could save 2 lives.
But please let dispatcher know this is most likely dementia and not a "normal" domestic abuse.

Please take this very seriously. Your husband cannot help his behaviors and is giving you, without intent or realizing it, clear warning signs that you aren’t safe with him any longer. He needs help you can’t provide, not anyone’s fault and very sad, but a big need nevertheless. Please speak with his doctor about what you’re experiencing and tell him/her that you’re frightened and need help. Call 911 the very next time he goes off and insist he’s transported to a hospital for evaluation. Speak to the hospital social worker. You deserve to live in a peaceful and safe home.

I agree with Grandma1954 that you should call 911 if you feel threatened by your husband. You need to protect yourself by hiding all knives or sharp instruments that your husband could use to harm you. A person suffering from dementia will NEVER admit that he has dementia.

The next time your husband threatens you please call 911. In the meantime, always be on the alert and stay safe from your husband carrying out his threats against you.

It is crucial to know here how much is CHANGED.
Were you always soft and helpful while he was controlling and angry?
Or is this new with the dementia?
Is he diagnosed with dementia?
Is he still doing the finances?

I very much like Grandma's option. Time for a solid diagnosis and placement I think and best way to get this done is immediate temporary guardianship through a social worker at hospital, and placement in care after neuro-psyc evaluation. I would not take him back into the home and would say he is a danger to me. However I had to soup that up (read LIE) I would.

If there is "nothing wrong with him" then there's no reason for you to be there with an abusive husband, is there?
Another option would be to call APS and tell them you are thinking now of leaving and getting your own place, and I would ask them how to proceed.

In all truth I would not be with someone who rages at me. And I wouldn't be with someone who had to be medicated out of rages. So I guess I am saying that in sickness and health doesn't always apply for me, and if I become someone I am not now I hope my partner will not, either.

I suggest an attorney to discuss legal separation, separation of finances, and your moving to a smaller place while turning over any care of this gentleman to the powers of the state.
Your husband may require then moving into care.
Doesn't mean you can't visit him if you choose to do so.

This has to be your decision. I hope you have supporting children, friends?

If you are feeling threatened you call 911.
Tell the dispatcher that you are afraid for your safety.
Tell them that the person threatening you probably had undiagnosed dementia.
I will caution you to remove any weapons from the house if there are any. Or lock them up.
Also remove any kitchen knives and place them in a locked cabinet.
When you call 911 tell them that you want him transported to the hospital.
Once at the hospital you see a Social Worker and make it VERY clear that you do not feel safe and that you can no longer SAFELY care for him at home.