My husband has dementia and I am his power if attorney. His son is very upset with me about this, all his son is interested in is the money. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

My husband has dementia and I am his power if attorney. His son is very upset with me about this, all his son is interested in is the money. Any advice?

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I am so over whelmed as his caregiver, he has become more verbally abusing and will not listen to anything I tell him. I would like to let his son take him, but I want to know can I request that the mortgage continues to be paid out of his money (he always paid it out of his social security check). I am beginning to have health problems as well. It has become too overwhelming for me.

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Hmm ... I don't see a post where you say you want a divorce. I suggest seeing the elder law attorney first -- and perhaps pick a firm that also has family law attorneys. Understand what the full impact of a divorce would be, on you. Would you be expecting alimony to cover the house mortgage? Is that realistic in your state? Would you have to sell the house and split the proceeds with your husband? Would that work well for you?

Would you be better of being legally separated?

If your husband is ready for a care center (Assisted Living? Memory Care?) maybe your best solution is to move him there, and continue with your marital status.

Elder Law first, then possibly Family Law.

Do let us know how this progresses.
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Reply to jeannegibbs
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Is your husband able to understand the concept of POA? If so, he can probably still change it. As 97 says, you cannot. You can resign the position however.

I hope you are not confusing POA with primary caregiver. The POA is responsible for financial decisions, always in the best interest of the person granting the POA. The POA may or may not do any caregiving. The medical POA is responsible for healthcare decisions, including where the person should live. Do you have medical POA as well? It is often established in the healthcare directive ("living will")

It sounds like you need respite and help with the caregiving. Could your husband go to an Adult Day Health Program to give you a break a few days a week? Would it help to have a personal care attendant for a few hours each day? Is your husband ready for placement in a care center?

Is it managing the finances you are tired of, or the day-to-day caregiving, or both? Wouldn't it be a shame if your stepson took over the finances, left his dad with you, and refused money for caregiving help?

I wouldn't be so quick to give up POA until you are sure you are doing what is best for yourself and for your husband. I recommend consulting an attorney who specializes in Elder Law. Call your Area Agency on Aging to get a list of such specialists and ask if they have any volunteers who work for a reduced fee.

Do you think you will need your husband to be on Medicaid when it is time for more in-home help or a care center? If so I think it would be easier if you have financial POA, at least through the application process. Ask the lawyer.
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Reply to jeannegibbs
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Trusting - You have many issues here.

I saw your other post that you wanted to divorce your husband.
Your husband has dementia and is abusive to you.
You are your husband POA and you don't want that responsibility anymore.
You want to make sure the mortgage is paid, presumably for the residence where you're living. and want to continue to live after your divorce.
You mentioned his son was after the money.
And there is an issue of long term care for your husband.
You yourself have health problems, too.
You want his son to take him in to take care of him. That's up to the son.

You have many complex issues here. If you're serious about divorcing your husband, then you should consult a divorce attorney to see what could happen when you divorce. That would answer the questions about the money and the mortgage, and whether you may be able to keep the house.

If you're not serious about divorcing, and just want to not take care of your husband anymore, you should consult an elder law attorney who can help you with options on placing your husband into a care facility so that you don't have to personally care for him anymore. Or if the son wants to take care of his father, then a formal care agreement should be made whereas the son will get paid for doing the care giving, and the attorney can help you with it.
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Reply to polarbear
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Trusting
If you are your husbands POA this is not something you can transfer to your stepson just because you two don’t like how things are going.
Only a person who is mentally competent can assign their power of attorney. You can rescind the POA but you can’t assign it. Only your husband can change it to stepson and he can’t in his present condition.
Is stepson listed on POA as second POA after you? If he is, you could resign and allow him to take over.
Your husband does not have to live with you for you to be his POA.
Is the SS the only money at stake?
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