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I bring his favorite candies, etc. ask aide to say it’s from me. The nurses tell me he’s getting along good and eating well. I also have a personal sitter.

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The facility should set up zoom for him so he can see and here you. You have your right to communicate with him. You need to demand it if they don’t! The facility should hire more people to help patients communicate virtually, or wheel them by windows, or have a special area set up outside where they can give u both ppe to put on, it really can be done. You would think they would make more effort for this reason and that goes for all hospitals as well. All this covid money the dr’s, facilities, and hospitals are getting should be used for that, I mean it really can be done if they wanted to. Unfortunately he very well may forget you, I’m sorry. Give pictures of yourself and pictures of you and him to the staff so they can post them in his room and leave a photo book as well. The sitter can show him the book every hour when he’s not sleeping. Make sure the photos are just of u and u and him. Also request to have him in a room with a window if it’s a single story facility and if it’s 2 persons in a room request him to have the bed by the window. I don’t understand why these facilities can’t give u ppe to put on? What’s the difference really that a sitter can be there in ppe but not you? That goes for all the staff there. At least you know where you’ve been and who you’ve been around!! Even w/covid I really think there should be more done for these types of patients. If a child can have a parent there so should an incapacitated patient. That’s what these types of patients are they can’t speak for themselves, or make decisions on care or know how they’re really feeling, it’s no different then a child and it’s sad these facilities and hospitals aren’t installing the proper nurturing care all patients need in America during these unprecedented times!
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Reply to Moluv4
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Have you asked the memory care if they could let you FaceTime your husband. The place my Mom was in let us FaceTime her during the covid shutdown. It was nice to be able to see her; but when she went downhill my brother decided he didn’t want anyone to do FaceTime anymore and she passed in July. I hope you get time with your husband. All you can do is ask.
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Reply to msgarrett
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Imho, perhaps you could send photos of yourself to him along with the gifts of sweets. Prayers sent.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Is it possible for him to have a tablet or a smart tv in his room? There are apps and programs where you can talk to Him and he can see you. My mom has dimentia and phone conversations don't work as well as video. He could see you when u talk. I think nursing homes need to start making this type of communication available for families. The employees can help you connect with him when needed.
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Reply to Altc7435
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Minds sometimes break down, Souls remember.
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Rocky1121 Dec 6, 2020
Sounds like you would like her to feel more guilty.
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It's usually with Alzheimer's that the patient forgets their loved ones faces, not with vascular dementia. It's possible, of course, since ANYTHING is possible........but I wouldn't worry too much if I were you.

Have you tried video calls? My mother has dementia & is living in Memory Care herself; we've done the video calls which are slightly successful; not entirely, but somewhat. We also do window visits............see if your DHs Memory Care can arrange that. They wheel mom into the public room at the front of her MC, to the window, then I'm outside that window on my cell phone. The caregiver calls me from their landline and voila, we talk. We're about 2 feet apart but the window separates us. She's also had 1 moderate stroke, and dementia since at least 2015, and has not forgotten any of our faces or who we are.....so that's a good thing.

You've also gotten some great ideas about how to put up photos of yourself in his room, etc. I'm glad he's getting along well and eating well, too. That's great, thank God.

As the weekly testing progresses in mom's place, the ED is working with the health dept to ease visiting restrictions in the next few weeks. I expect this will happen in your DH's place too, if the tests keep coming back negative. In the meantime, I'd push for those window visits........they really DO work!

Good luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Put a current picture of yourself on the candy when you deliver it.
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Reply to Invisible
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My LO is 92, vascular (mixed) dementia, and a Covid survivor. She was unable to have ANYTHING from her old room when she was moved temporarily to another floor, so no photos, no familiar decorations, nothing.

I LONGED for 5 months, to tell her how dearly I loved her, same story- the FaceTime calls were pretty useless.

Once we were reunited, I found to my delight that although she’d lost 16 pounds, it was as though we’d never been apart, she remembered my voice, called me by name, conversed as we had before her illness.

There is Hope. I felt NO HOPE AT ALL before I was there, in an outside visit, with her near me. Now with the 2nd quarantine in effect for 2 months, I don’t know again. I have HOPE that I’ll get back to her again.
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Reply to AnnReid
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Request that you be the Personal Sitter once a week.

Have the Personal Sitter have Daily Video Calls with you, so you and husband can see each other when you talk.

Give your Husband a huge picture/portrait of the two of you and have Sitter hang it on his wall, so he can see it all the time.

When ya'll talk tell him to look at the picture and tell him that is you and him.

Is there a Window that you could go to so ya'll can see each other thru the window?

Dusing this covid, is your husband well enough to come live with you and have the sitter come to your house?
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Reply to bevthegreat
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The small strokes that damage the brain causing Vascular Dementia may effect parts of the brain "where you live" so in that respect he may forget you.
BUT that may not happen. The strokes could effect other parts of the brain, one that stores the information on how to walk, how to talk, how to tie shoes or any other task or memory.
Just know that you are in his heart not just his brain.
I think my Husband did not know who I was other than a "safe person" that took care of him, took him places he liked going, fed him, and smiled at him. On the other hand I was the one that he smiled at, I was the one that he would kiss when I said "Hello" to or "Good bye" to when I came of left the house.
If he left my side at the store I would ask him where he was going and he would say "I am looking for my wife" and I would just tell him that I would walk with him until we found her. (I would abandon the cart near the front of the store and he would walk out to the car.) Did he forget me in those moments? Maybe or maybe not. He left with me. But maybe he was in a different time in his mind when I was younger. AHHHH the mystery of the brain!
As long as he is comfortable, adjusted and getting on well I would be grateful for that.
Yes it hurts to think that he no longer knows you but that was not his choice.
Can you do video calls? If you can and that works, great. Just know that the brain processes things differently and on a video you are 1 dimensional and his brain may have problems processing your face if it is not in 3 dimensions.
(((hugs)))
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Invisible Dec 6, 2020
My father wasn't sure who I was either but also recognized me as the "safe person". He was always happy to see me. I would be concerned he might forget me if I could not visit. He also forgot that he married my mother but when he saw her picture, he remembered that was the girl he WANTED to marry. So you may be right - in his brain time was stopped at that point in his life. Interesting perspective.

A friend put her father in memory care recently without any pictures of his family so he wouldn't ask about them, because they couldn't visit. She said he was content, but I don't know. He passed away a few months later.
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I made a video of me talking to my husband and inserted some pictures and music. It plays on his electronic picture frame. When he was ambulatory, he loved photo albums. Most of the pictures were of him it off the two of us. He’s in late stage under hospice care and I find when the facility is closed due to covid, FaceTime calls are a life saver. The facility sets them up for him. Best wishes.
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Reply to Franklin2011
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Need to understand the different types of dementia to help answer your question.
Alzheimer's disease is the most common type of dementia. It is progressive and basically involves unwinding of memories - starting from most recent memories and decision-making and gradually impacting longer held memories.
Parkinson's disease causes Lewy-Body a progressive dementia that includes forgetfulness, hallucinations, and difficulty with movement (stiffness) but usually people with this problem exhibit the movement problems first.
Vascular dementia is the result of an injury to the brain - usually the result of a stroke - and the problems are tied the areas of the brain that are damaged after recovering from the initial injury. Generally, vascular dementia should not progress to new or more severe symptoms.
In your case - unless your husband's dementia involves difficulty with facial recognition - he should remember who you are. It would help to get him pictures that are clearly labelled with names and relationships of yourself and other people in his life. Whenever possible, try to arrange "window visits" and "porch visits" to help him maintain relationships.
Praying that COVID resolves soon so you can see him in-person soon. When a vaccine becomes available, please get yours and authorize the facility to get his.
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Reply to Taarna
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TouchMatters Dec 6, 2020
Descriptions of dementia fill volumes.
It is up to a medical professional to determine and diagnose, i.e., "he should remember who you are."

I urge people here to be very careful diagnosing or making statements of what 'should' occur with a person inflicted with dementia. In fact, AgingCare should delete these responses as they are 'opinions' and not facts.

It is best to direct people to TEEPA SNOW, one of the country's experts on dementia (on-line webinars), contact their loved one's MD, and/or contact their local Dementia / Alz Association.
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Any kind of online/phone interfacing will likely require making arrangements with the staff, so they can assist him. Are there options for window visits? He would need a phone, so you can talk, and probably some assistance, but at least he could see you. You can coordinate with staff and the sitter for these visits.

If he asks why you don't come in, keep it as simple as possible, just saying there's a bug going around and you are not allowed to come in right now. At least with video or window visits, you can likely go without the mask.

I tried visits with my mother, first outside in the nicer weather (it was too hot really, even under a canopy) and later inside, but with the distancing and masks, it isn't clear she knew who I was. I can't use a phone as her hearing is too bad. In a chat with a staff member, it is clear she remembers me (Oh, her and those CATS!) The same staff member took a pic while I was dropping off supplies and showed mom, who asked why I didn't come in, didn't I want to see her? That was very sad, as I couldn't be there to explain...

Pictures can help too. At least they say he's "getting along good and eating well." Do bring his favorites if/when you can do the window visit, so you can show him it's from you. Send him notes often too!
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Reply to disgustedtoo
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Have you considered ViewClix? My mom is in assisted living and we have this set up so we can “see”each other during this CoVid time of no visits. It links to the internet and rings into her room and she just has to move in front of the frame to see and talk to us. It’s like FaceTime without her using a phone and multiple people can use the link. Cost is around $100 for the frame.
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Reply to Kbear58
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lisalisa707 Dec 5, 2020
I have never heard of this? Where did you get it? My mom was just placed in memory care this last October. I need to get this!
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Are there pictures of you in his room? That may help a bit. What our elders are suffering in the shutdown is quite beyond description. I think none of us can guess anything about any single case. I am so sorry. This must be awful for you. And for him. For now I would ask you to try to concentrate on his general contentment; if he is doing well where he is you are so lucky. In some ways, if he is forgetting, given he cannot see you, for HIM that may be a blessing.
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