My husband has Alzheimers and lives in an assisted living facility. He’d like to come home for dinner occasionally. Should I let him?

It's not a good idea to take him home for ANY reason. Why? Because it's mean, actually, to show him how things used to be but no longer can be. You cannot reason with him, dementia prevents that. So if he starts yelling or crying, then what?

Take him to a restaurant and see how it goes. Or bring him a home cooked meal and eat it together.

Good luck.

Are you sure the home he wants to go to is the one you shared with him? I'm only asking because wanting to go home (in the afternoons) is a very common dementia behavior called Sundowning. The home they want to go to is their childhood home, the one in their long-term memory. Maybe he's saying things that make it definite that he wishes to go to your home, so only you know the answer to this.

I too, vote no to taking him back to your place. You can make up a "therapeutic fib" as to why you can't take him there: it's being fumigated for bugs; the water is off to fix a leak, whatever you think will satisfy him in the moment, then change the topic to something unrelated. May you receive peace in your heart on this journey.

I took my mother home for a few occasions when she lived in AL and had moderate dementia. Mind you, this wasn't HER former home and she'd never lived with me, so there was no sentimental attachment involved.

All she did the entire time was look at the clock and fret over "all the things she had to do at home" in her apartment in AL. Uh, like what? She couldn't answer that question, or she'd say "her girls" needed to give her pills, etc. She refused to use my bathroom, even though I offered help. She wore Depends and I guess she was embarrassed, I don't know. She was a nervous wreck while visiting with me and her grandkids, so I'd have dh take her back to the AL sooner rather than later.

Once she got into Memory Care, I stopped taking her to my home or out to dinner at restaurants entirely. She was wheelchair bound and WAY too anxiety ridden to risk it. I'd take her lasagna or spaghetti from her favorite Italian restaurant until she started complaining it was too cold to eat. Nevermind it was heated up in the microwave each time.......

I'd also take her homemade meals or soups, chili, etc so she could eat them at the MC. Then she started complaining that she felt like the odd man out eating different foods than her tablemates, so I stopped that too.

I even organized a pizza party for her and the grandchildren in the library at her MC. At Christmas, we'd bring the festivities to her. It really worked best that way bc her confusion was off the charts. AD and dementia patients thrive best with familiar routines and not deterring from them to cause anxiety.

So many of them love to argue, too, to the point where everything you do is "wrong" anyway, so what's the purpose?

That was my experience with mom and her dementia and taking her to my home, for what it's worth.

With dementia in general, when they ask to "go home", it's not a brick and mortar building they seek but a place in time when life was easy. As in when they were young and living with mom and dad. They're looking for comfort they can't put into words. Next time dh asks to go home, hug and kiss him and try a back rub. See if that helps.

Whatever you decide to do, best of luck.

It may very well be a set back for him as he is now in his new home. I would perhaps try just taking him out to one of your favorite restaurants to see how he does with that, or just bring a good home cooked meal to his facility for the 2 of you to enjoy together.
People with any of the dementias do much better with routine and any change in that brings great stress. I'm not sure it's worth it at this point to disrupt his routine.

IMO this is a very bad idea, he is in his new home, and with dementia one has no idea what home he is talking about, where you live or where he lived as a child?

He needs to stay where he is, keep acclimating to his new surroundings.

Try taking him out to lunch or for a drive, I did that with my stepmother when she was in AL and in MC at first, she is too far gone now, so I can no longer do that either. She actually is afraid to leave her "Home" now.

Sorry about this, I know how hard it is to say "No".

I would say No. You may not be able to get him back to the AL.

Has he specifically mentioned a certain meal or just going home? Could you bring him a favorite meal or treat? Is he on a special diet?

I would be hesitant to allow him to return home. He may find it disturbing then and afterwards. Let him adjust to his new surroundings.

Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey. This is an adjustment for you too. Give yourself time to adjust as well.

pianomom322: Many individuals with dementia ask 'to go home.' It's never a good idea since they require routine. This proposal could be too upsetting for him and he may not want to return to the ALF.

My Mom, moderate dementia, has come to my place reasonably often. She loves the change of scenery, however, is very aware that her MC unit is her "home". She doesn't ask to go home as the place she used to live in, is currently rented out. For as bad as her memory is, she does remember that her former residence is rented. She also remembers everyone who has passed, even people she doesn't personally know. e.g. she knows and remembers that Betty White passed.

The only issue I have had is that when she wants to leave, she wants to leave NOW and she will make a fuss if she doesn't get her way.

Soon, I will be moving a table and 2 chairs to her MC room so that I can bring in meals and we can eat together. There will be a time that I will not be able to safely transfer her from her wheelchair to the car and back so this is my way of getting outside meals to her.

The only way to really know if he will go back to the facility or not is to try it. Do you take him to restaurants or some place outside of the facility besides medical appointments? Does he give you a hard time about going back to the facility? If so, don't try going home. If he seems to adjust fine, then try taking him back "home". He might not recognize that it is home. Call it something else other than "home". I call my home "my place" to my Mom so that she doesn't associate it as a potential home for her.

Try and take him to a restaurant to eat. See if he refuses to go back. If he gives you a difficult time, now you know.

However, if you are really that worried, I suggest you cook a meal, then take it over to his place to share the meal. Think of it as a very fancy picnic!

Can you take him out somewhere. I know people deteriorate as the day goes on but how about going to where he is and having a meal with him there. I sometimes bring meals where my LO is d staff will set up a table for us away from others. Can you do this