My husband has Alzheimer's and is wearing Depends. He is putting large amounts of toilet paper and shaving cream inside them. I took cream.

I placed my mother in Memory Care Assisted Living where the "people there were far worse than" her. So? She eventually caught up with them and the point was, I wasn't going to kill MYSELF in an attempt to care for my mother who had needs beyond my abilities. Should I have sacrificed myself and my health for mom? Truth is, she was very well cared for in Memory Care Assisted Living and I left none of MY blood on the floor in the process. I still did a tremendous amount for her in MC, trust me on that, but I got to sleep well at night. Which is a good thing because soon after mom died, I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

Life is short and you count too. Please don't forget that. If you keel over from stress and disease, hubby goes into managed care ANYWAY.

Is your DH a veteran? We recently took my husband to the local VA hospital for an appointment with a doctor and after screening him the doc recommended that he be provided with an in-home health aide (HHA) for 40 hours a week! The VA covers the cost and I am now able to do the shopping ("retail therapy") and go to my own appointments, knowing that he is in good hands. I even found an agency that bills the VA directly so we don't even have to worry about getting reimbursed.
In our case, the 20 years he spent in the Navy was a great investment in his long term care.

OP,

Keep laughing. Keep your perspective. Mom is 18-20 years into alzheimers. I needed to laugh today and laughed about the shaving creme situation.

Hire caregivers to come to your house even if it is only 4 hours a day in the morning.

You drive off and leave the house. Go for coffee. Get your hair done. Get a break.

I liked that comment that there's no special reward for those who take the care of someone else.

My MIL recently died after an 8 day stay in a lovely ALF. The kids (75, 72 and 68) took care of her in her home and all 3 were burned up, completely. OB was on the verge of having another heart attack, due to the stress.

The day they moved her--the comment going around was this "we should have done this years ago".

At her funeral, people were not congratulating the kids for their sacrifices--they were wondering why it took so long for them to wake up and smell the coffee.

Things can get so bad, so fast. One day it seems not so hard--then suddenly once day, you're finding wet depends hidden in closets, hearing aids that get lost the day you buy new ones, fall pendants being thrown out...everyday is a new slice of Hades.

Only you can decide how you're going to handle this. As an outsider in my MIL's care--yes, the kids should have placed her 3-4 years ago. But it is what it is.

I hope you do make the decision to place your DH and be his wife, and not continue forever as his CG.

As others have said, it's time for him to have professional care outside the home.

This must be so frustrating for you! However, in a care facility, they've seen it all and are prepared for it. They know what to do.

Please take care of both of you by finding him a good memory care facility. That's really the only solution with a problem of this magnitude.

Yes,the mentality is that of a 2 year old and it's totally frustrating! I can't tell you why they do it. First, it was like you said, stuffing with extra layers ( mom would tear up panty liners) then 3-4 pairs of pull ups and a pair of blunt tip scissors to cut the dirty ones off. I don't have an answer for you and they haven't one either because where their mindset is. I really hope you find someone who can help you. Trying to wrap your mind around their behavior is futile. Don't let it get to you, it's like banging your head against a wall. I really think that the wall banging would feel better than the phase you're going through, been there, crazy stuff!

Oldstew, please note that 40% of family caregivers taking care of someone who has Alzheimer's die leaving behind the person they were caring. Not good odds. Then what?

Check around for the cost of having Memory Care, or at home help. If it is within your budget, please do that. Otherwise the sheer physical and emotional exhaustion can hurt your health. Time to be your husband's "wife" instead of his "caregiver".

If this isn't within your budget, call your State Medicaid office to see what is available. Be it Aids coming to the house a few hours per week or placing your husband in a facility that has 3-shifts of caregivers helping him.

IMO - when somebody starts getting deep into dementia, they really need professional care, and should not be at home. You need to place him in a memory care facility.

Actually he's acting worse than a baby. Babies don't put shaving cream and toilet paper in their diapers. Glad you took a stand and took away the shaving cream. I hope you are open to putting him in a facility soon. Don't kill yourself to keep him at home. It's not worth it. There's no special reward for f--king yourself over to take care of someone who has literally lost their mind.

You can try anti-strip jumpsuits that are for people with dementia. Here is one vendor:

https://www.silverts.com/all-adaptive/pants/alzheimer-s-jumpsuits

It's called adaptive clothing. They can't take it off or access their undies on their own.

You now have to "baby-proof" the house. Maybe lock rooms that you don't want him accessing. Remove anything that he can get into and misuse.

Then, give yourself a break. Make sure to do ample self-care. Consider hirings in-home companion help to keep him busy. Ten years is a long time. My Aunt had dementia for 12 years until she fell and broke her hip at 100.

It sounds like you are reaching the end of your rope which isn’t good for either you or your husband.

Please seek help from an agency or consider placing your husband in a facility and choose to oversee his care.

I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this difficult situation.

You cannot change his behavior. You can change your behavior and allow others to assist you in caring for him.

You will not be of any help to your husband if you are continually stressed out and exhausted. When we become exasperated with a situation we usually can’t be as objective as we should be.

I am not judging you. I am stating how these things will affect you and anyone else who is in this type of situation. No one can handle everything on their own without putting themselves in danger of being emotionally and physically drained.

Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area to get a needs assessment for your husband? They can help you figure out what needs to be done to ensure proper care for your husband.

Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult caregiving process.

He is furious….He fights me. Is this what is new?

Sounds like you need a break and he does too. You have somehow turned into the fun police.

You both need help. Lots of different types available.

There is hiring help to come into your home. There is respite where you take a few days off. There are care homes, memory care or skilled nursing. There is adult day care.

There is the situation where the caregiver winds up in the hospital because they didn’t choose one of the above. But that’s a little extreme. I hope you don’t choose that one.

How about calling the Area Agency on Aging and ask them to come do a needs analysis and to help you figure out next steps? Or ask his doctor to order home health and let their nurse evaluate your situation.
How is your heart condition?
I’m wishing you some peaceful days. Talk to us. Tell us what your plans are. We want to help.