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Be cause of the Aphasia he cannot think of words and gets very upset when I don’t know what he is saying. He calls me all sorts of foul names and berates me all day long. He is now refusing to see the Dr because she told him he needs to stop driving. He is beyond stubborn this is waying on me mentally and physically. He won’t change his clothes, brush his teeth or shower without a huge battle. I feel trapped and am tired of fighting everyday. Help!

Yes, he needs to be in memory care. This is important for your safety. But it's also important for him. If he can't communicate and is berating you all day, he's obviously miserable. He absolutely needs medication to calm his anger and stabilize his moods. A good facility will help accommodate his language challenges which may make him less frustrated. They can't cure his condition, but they are used to handling residents with aphasia.

He does need to stop driving immediately. You can buy a lockbox with a code and keep them in there when you're not using them.

It's very distressing and I'm very sorry you're going through this.
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Reply to MG8522
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Fit, do you live near family members who can, and are willing, to support you? Are you close to emergency services should you suddenly need them? Are you close to your local hospital, doctors offices, home care agencies, memory care facility? Do you have someone lined up to keep an eye on your husband when you need to run to the store or an appointment? How far are you from neighbors if your husband starts to wander? As your husband’s care needs increase will you have time to find, hire, and supervise helpers and the financial resources to pay them?

Of utmost importance: Have you seen an elder law or estate attorney and/or financial advisor since your husband’s diagnosis? Do you have access to all bank and retirement accounts? Are you capable of restricting your husband’s access to those accounts if necessary? Do you have active durable power of attorney for your husband?

Margaret is right, you must plan ahead. There is no cure for Alzheimer’s disease and your husband will continue to decline. It took me a year to sell and buy a home across the state and get us moved closer to family and services when my husband began showing symptoms. It took another 2 years to get everything sorted out financially and legally. In the course of those 3 years my husband went from slight memory loss to incapacity. It’s ok to hope for the best as long as you don’t let that stop you from planning for the worst.
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I at 77 live with my very capable husband of 75 on 4 acres, having recently downsized from a farm of over 100 acres. Our new house (and power, water, structure etc) needs a fair bit of maintenance and upgrading, as does the land and its nasty weeds. I would not be capable of maintaining it on my own.

Unless your 5 acres is magically self-maintaining, you cannot do this on your own. You certainly can’t do it with a husband who has AZ, who abuses you, and who is not sensible enough to accept medical advice that he shouldn’t be driving. He has gone beyond commonsense.

Start thinking about what is going to come next. Make some sensible plans, ready for when the situation falls over (which it will). Or for when you you decide to move out yourself (which is another way of making it fall over). This is only going to get worse. Be as prepared as you can!
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This are the flags that show it’s time for a higher level of care for him. You should no longer be his caregiver and after you place him, you can go back to his wife and his advocate and he can yell at someone else.

The stress of keeping him home is going to wear you down.
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It's time for your husband to be moved to a LTC facility. This is how both of you will be safe. Please take the good advice of Peasuep in the comments. You don't know when the verbal abuse will graduate to physical abuse, but it will. Your husband needs to be in LTC now.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Every minute that you wait before acting, you are putting yourself and your husband in danger. It isn’t just a matter of your husband’s verbal abuse wearing you down, it’s a matter of at what moment the abuse might become physical and neither of you know when that moment will come. When it does, you will be surprised at his strength and have a hard time believing that this is happening to you. You may or may not have your phone in your hand at that moment. You may or may not be restrained and unable to get away.

As wives of husbands with dementia, we may begin to look at them as naughty pre-adolescents and treat them like we treated our children when they misbehaved. But we have to remember - unlike children, our husbands have full grown muscles that are controlled by mis-firing brains; they can no longer be taught.

Their impulse control is spotty at best; their ability to feel empathy is non-existent. Your husband may look at your terrified, tearful face and it will not register that he is the cause of it.

Of course, without the disease your husband would never strike you or even verbally berate you, but he HAS the disease, he has changed, and he will get worse over time.
Hard to hear; hard to accept. This is the man you have loved and who has loved and protected you. Now you need to step into the role of protector for both yourself and him and that means a complete change in how you look at him, yourself and your relationship.

Get him medication. See an elder law attorney. Look into memory care facilities now because you may have to move quickly and the process can take time. Absolutely disable the car - whatever it takes to keep him and everyone else safe. I know, easy to say-hard to do, but the people on this forum will help you.

Please come back and post as specific questions arise because they will. In this stage you may not have a lot of time to research the excellent articles on this site so don’t hesitate to come straight to the forum with questions. I’m right there with you, and so are many, many others.
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Reply to Peasuep
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Time to look at some memory care facilities where professionals can take care of him.

If his car keys have a key fob with a battery, take the battery out. He won't be able to start the car and most likely won't think of the battery as being removed.

Don't rule out calling the police if he is abusing you. Abuse is abuse, even if the abuser is mentally ill. You need to protect yourself in case he proceeds to violence. Don't think it can't happen to you. His brain is different now, and you may have no idea what he is thinking. Violence in a dementia patient can include clenching fists when he doesn't want to be guided into the shower, and then he hits you. Or grabs your hair and yanks your head. Or smashing fist into wall and hurting himself. These are things that people I know have done when they had dementia. Be careful, and good luck.
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I agree with Geaton absolutely. Your husband needs assessment and medications and he almost certainly now needs to be in placement as he is a danger to self and others. When EMS has him in the hospital let the Social Workers know on DAY ONE that he cannot return home, that you are fearful of him and cannot care for or control him.
The care needs removal or disabling with the keys removed while he is in hospital.

I wish you the best, and am so very sorry.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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First, you need to stop him from driving. Take the keys and keep them in your pockets. You may need to take the battery out of the car to make him think the car needs fixing, then remove it "for repairs". Ask a family member, friend or neighbor to help you with this. My Uncle drove while cognitively impaired and went through a red-light and got t-boned, which killed his wife and injured the people in the other car.

When he gets abusive, even just physically, you call 911 and tell them you don't know what's wrong with him and he might have an untreated UTI. (You don't tell them he has ALZ because this isn't considered a medical emergency and they might not come.) They will hopefully take him to the ER and you follow (and bring PoA paperwork if you are his PoA). Once there you tell the discharge person that he's become abusive and is therefore an "unsafe discharge". Refuse to take him home. Ask to speak to the hospital social worker about getting him discharged directly into a MC facility. If his behavior continues to be abusive they may move him to the psych wing until they can get him to comply with meds to moderate his behavior so that he can be insitutionalized.

Whatever you do, if you can get him to the ER do not bring him home and do not believe anything the hospital promises if you do, since this is a lie they tell to get people discharged. I'm so sorry for this distressing situation. I wish you success in getting him appropriate care and you can have your life back.
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Geaton777 Feb 2, 2025
Correction to my post:

"When he gets abusive, even just physically..."

I meant to write "...even just verbally..."
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Fikidz, you need to give us more information – your ages, where you live (eg your own house etc, not you location), whether he is still driving, and what sort of help we can give you. You have my sympathy, it sounds awful for you (and probably for him too), but how else we can help. Yours, Margaret
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2, 2025
If he's got Alzheimer's and is still mobile, the verbal abuse will graduate to physical abuse. That's always what happens. The OP needs tog et him placed.
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