My husband has Alzheimer's. When he asks about his mother and I tell him she has died he starts crying. Should I lie to him?

What I do when my grandma asks is to lightly answer the question in a round about way which changes the topic. When my grandma asks where her mom is, I say, "Well you are 87 years old. Do you know how old your mom would be? She was 32 when she had you after having your other 8 brothers and sisters. She would be 119. Isn't that old?" She always laughs and say, "Wow that's old." Then the topic is changed without me telling her she's dead per-say. The other thing sometimes I'll say is, "I never met your mom and I'm 38. Can you believe that?" She just laughs and then it changes the mood. When she asks for her sisters it depends on her mood. If it's at nighttime and she's looking to sleep and wants to make sure everyone is home, I just tell her they are all home for the night and in their beds. If it's during the day then I tell her that they live in Maryland and Pennsylvania (where they were buried and they lived anyway) and remind her we moved to Maine which is so far away and that they are just fine where they are at. The tricky one that bothers me the most is when she asks for Carol my mom. She died a year ago and it's still a very painful subject for me. The answer depends on my mood but since she doesn't understand its her daughter I'm usually honest and just say Carol, my mom, died last year. She had cancer and was really sick and died. That's why we moved to Maine to be around family because it was sad. We sure do miss her don't we. She usually says that she didn't know and she was sorry I lost my mom and then moves on to another topic. I usually knock any sadness out of it by saying that I've been caring for her for 3 years (I started when my mom was sick) and that we have each other. Sometimes going with the flow is the best we can do in order not to make their lives as tragic as it really is. When it comes down to it, my grandma is living with her granddaughter as everyone else around her has passed away. She has lost both of parents, her husband, all 8 brothers and sisters, her favorite Uncle, her two daughters and one grandchild.

NO my mom has dementia & is in last stage & has Parkinsons also. When she talks about her parents & wants to c em I tell her the truth.
Mom has lots of hallucinations that she tells me she sees alligators, snakes, bus & spiders & more things that r not really there & i tell her the truth about that too & also that its the dementia & meds she's on & thats y she sees those items.
one of the #1 IMPORTANT thing I try to do is LET HER KNOW SHE IS SAFE & if I have to lie to her like the alligators or snakes r all gone because the animal rescue came & got all of em. after a few xs reassuring her they r all gone then she's ok.
HEY to ALL family & caretakers of a loved one I have been very interested in knowing if there is a 'DEMENTIA' of all kinds group organization that u can call 24 hrs away for answers to ?s people have bout their loved ones needs or to get info from on help for them, research names, Doctors, neurologists, stem cell rejuvenate clinics, etc & where & when meetings r for family & caretakers to go & learn on helping loved one & be able to ask ?s, get sum answers or get info on where to get their info & I would really Love if there were get togethers often where u could talk bout what u r experiencing & others tell u, u r not alone & then they share what they r going threw or how they handled a situation with their dementia loved one.
hopefully there is such an organization but I've had no luck so far. Im in California & would love to go to or call a place like at many xs to help with this EVIL, EVIL disease & GOD BLESS ALL WHO HAVE IT OR A disease & ALL the FAMILY MEMBERS BEHIND IT & ALL THE PAIN THEY & WE HAVE GONE THREW & WILL, GOD, LOVE & BLESS THEM ALL.
Please if anyone has info for me so i can learn how to help my MOTHER who is MY PRICELESS ANGEL MY HERO MY WORLD & IM NOTTTT READY TO LET HER GOOOOO


THEN PLEASE let me know.THANK U

Well when my mother passed my dad would ask we didn't say the word die or dead we just say past on she's finally resting no more pain and when we took him to the cemetery I say resting place I got them all saying that in my family ..DEAD OR DIE just so final which we know it is it just better saying it like that for his sake

It depends on the person. I've taken care of elderly patients and either 1 of 3 happens: 1. They accept it and verify it to you but are still somewhat confused. 2. They don't accept it no matter how many times you tell them, but if you tell them indirectly they accept it. 3. They don't accept it and even if you try and lie, they won't trust you.

I know they give caregivers the talk about never lying or making promised you can't keep to the elderly, but just keep in mind the second one. Be compassionate and tell them the person has gone away and they'll see them again soon enough. Change the topic afterward or bring out pictures or stories about the person. If they're like 1 or 2, keep it up by telling them the truth. If they take it negatively or after a period of time they get worse, tell them alternative ways that the person has passed.

The phonebook one I've never heard of, but if they do that give them your own number and put your phone on silent. Let them call whenever they want to or set up a phone for them to call to.

I've prepared myself for most of these situations, I've recorded both of my parents saying things for themselves should the other die and one of them is left behind. This way I can always bring it out and say "Look, mom left you a message. Be good for mom, let's go do this or that today; you'll see her soon dad."

There is a middle ground between constantly renewing their grief and totally ignoring them or changing the subject.
If they want to talk to mom, ask what they want to tell them, maybe have a chat about whatever it is. Throw in some therapeutic fibbing, say you'll pass along the message, you'll call later when the long distance rates are lower, mom is at her new home now and it is too far away to visit but you're sure she is thinking of you too....

Continuing to change a subject they clearly want to talk about can make the elder feel like they're being "gas lighted" and that can be upsetting!

I have found that when you keep telling them something that is like stabbing them in the heart, it isn't worth them getting upset every single time hearing the truth. Let them live in their own world on their time. Sometimes telling them that they aren't there right now or you will see them later works. Start talking about what she likes to cook for him, or something they liked doing together. This will sometimes get them off the subject and they forget. Then, they are happy discussing their happy thoughts of that person.

I dealt with this. Those who don't deal with this, have no idea how gut-wrenching this is, and how painful it is for you to deal with also. They like to give advice based on clinical views, but they don't recognize the pain of YOUR loss of the ability of your loved one to understand the world anymore.

I thought I could be evasive or try to bring them to a better understanding of the truth. I learned that when we want our loved ones to remember the truth, we are seeking to try to keep them as the people they once WERE, not the people they are NOW.

But the best thing is to LIE, as much as I am against this and everything in me as a person screams out against this advice. The reality is our loved ones are not who they once were, and we need to do the best for them based on who they are now.

My husband has Alzheimers and when he asks about his mom I tell him shes still in the nursing home and if he wants to call I tell him she cant talk any more. She had stage 4 bladder cancer and while she was in the hospital the Dr said he believed she had Alzheimers.

My mother always ask about her mother and daddy, at first we lied to her then she started asking why they won't come and she her! Then she would cry. Now we tell her that they are in heaven waiting for her, and when she gets to go they will be together. She likes this answer

Yes, you definitely should. I had to get on with a relative and banned her from visiting my grandmother for a time because she kept upsetting her with things like that. She said she wanted to "pull her back into reality." As I told her, the woman has Alzheimer's and her brain is dying. She is never coming back to reality. It is best to be kind. If it is Thursday and my grandmother thinks it is Sunday, then yes, as far as I am concerned, it's Sunday. When people correct her, she cries and hangs on to me and says she must be going crazy. I can't change what is happening to her but by golly I can change people upsetting her. So, comfort your husband and tell him his Mom will be back soon from her vacation.

I never had a second thought when my husband asked me for the first time: "have you seen my mother?" (Yes, she is fine, and she sends you her love....etc). He smiled, and he was satisfied and happy. (I never met his mother, and she died before our marriage 29 years ago.) My answer to you Reba...is yes ...why not?...Since then, I keep lying.

My wife has dementia. Anything new that you tell her is gone from her memory in about five minutes. You can talk about the past things she knows and enjoys. An example: The other afternoon we went with friends to see a movie and then had dinner. The next day, she remembered dinner, but not the movie.
So I said all that to say this: To be frank, It is CRUEL to keep telling your husband that his mother died. Just tell him that she is doing fine and change the subject. You have to realize that the rule of truth and dishonesty change with Alzheimers. You have to get used to each new annoyance that comes along and deal with it without getting angry or frustrated. My wife will poop, look at it on the toilet paper, the poop falls off on the floor; she steps in it and tracks it out of the bathroom. This only happens once it a while, but you just clean it up and go on. Lectures are a waste of your time. She puts toilet paper down the laundry chute. Just deal with it and go on. Dementia patients almost always like to store paper in drawers, pants, pockets, bra, etc. You just deal with it and go on. Trying to correct the problem is just a waste of time and your health if you get angry. (It took me over two years to learn this)
You have to realize that they are like a dumb animal who has little idea of how to act, but unlike a dumb animal you treat them with love and respect.
Good luck, you are on a thankless trip to nowhere until death arrives. But the worst thing is to deal with is well meaning friends who ask "why don't you do -----?" They have no idea of what you are going through. Don't try to explain it, or to reason with them. You will just get frustrated and they will think you are closed minded. For your sanity just cut them off with "I am dealing with it the best I can." "I am dealing with it the best I can." "I am dealing with it the best I can." Say it over and over and over until they change the subject.

lhardebeck - the operation went well. He is back in his room. Not eating yet. But tomorrow I will be there by noon. I will make sure he is getting food. I am thinking I am going to bring him back home. It depends on what has to be done in rehab. Believe me I will be watching him there too. take care oxoxoxoxo
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Thanks everyone. You all have been a big help and I have met some wonderful people on here. There is so much heartache in the hospitals. Loved ones are so sick and some are going to die. My daughter and I went into icu and prayed for a lady who is in a coma. Her husband ask us to. Seeing her children crying for her was painful. But we all had something in common. I hope you stop and think about the person you are taking care of. You will not have them long and no matter how bad it gets, going to miss them.

reba sorry for your loveone and i understand i know how long its been..since you post it, its been quite awhile, last stages are the hardest so hang in there my friend

reba , this is a good post , even tho u have started it , but its good for others to see what everybody has to say cuz they too are going thru it just like we did .
its good that u still come on to this post and ck and see whats happening and fill us all in about ed now days , theres alot of us that knows you and wonder about you and ed .
you and i already know what we have decided on .
how is ed by the way , how was the operation ? hope it all went well .
love you xoxo

Reba: it is sad to know that your husband has declined so quickly in the past two weeks. As you can tell by the volume of posts this 'topic' has sparked an ongoing moral dilemna about whether it is better to lie or not to someone with diminished capacity.

I should probably tally up the responses, but I think it is better to LIE and keep the peace, than to upset anyone that may/will not understand reality.

I know that you are going through a difficult time, my heart goes out to you. When my mother got to the last stage, I prayed she would say ANYTHING, but she was silent. Like she was preparing me for when she would no longer be here.

I don't 'posts' can be closed, so this topic will probably remain open. I just hope it doesn't upset you to see more responses when your situation has changed so much.

I know if you don't want to see any other posts you can 'unclick' the 'notify me when others respond' box at the bottom of the add your answer page (this one). So that may be an option for you.

We will be here for YOU Reba, as you need our support and help! God Bless!

People this was a question I put in a long time ago. He is now in a hospital. He broke his hip in a nursing home. He can't talk anymore he has Alzheimer;s Disease and in the last stages, So please drop it about what I should tell him. He wouldn't understand me anymore. He is too far gone.

this is a hard thing i ever had to do . my dad ask me all the time wheres momma at ?
told him the truth th efirst time , dad she died 21 yrs ago , she had cancer remmy ? he bawled like a baby , later on he ask me again wheres ur momma at ? i dont know pa ? cuz i didnt want to see him bawl like a baby . he thinks shes at the store , hes happy . then at the reunion wheres ur momma at !! oh dad u know she went to a better place 21 yrs ago , shes been gone 21 yrs , ohhhh nooo she didnt damn it linda now where is ur momma at !!? i said now dad u know where she is . nooo i dont waaaaaaaaaaaaa , i had to take him inside before the whole neighborhood hears him , fixed him a plate of food and my 3 aunts sat there and talked to him and he seems to calm down .
so there is no better way to fib a lie or tell the truth , i told the truth the first time , broke his heart , tell a lie the 2nd time he seems to be satisfied ,
not all people reacted the same . for my dad he cant face the truth and i cant stand to see him freak out .
i have told him shes in a better place and sometimes he accepts that but the most of the time its waaaaaaaaaaaaa .
damn if i do damn if i dont .

I do understand what you are saying ! But a person with Alzheimers . its not the same . I started in health care in 1980 and . I also have had family with this . everyone is not the same . But when they get sad its not like you or I it goes deeper then that then it becames ferler to thrive . some stop eating they go down hill and it can happen fast . so to tell them that someone is not there and to try to get there mind on something els. is really the best way . at lest from what I have seen . and have had to do myself .

goodleep
im sorry you feel that way i or we don't have compassion but i could not bring my self to tell my father my mom was somewhere else when she had passed so i did what i thought was best.. compassion is me i have compassion with all elders i take care of them so if that upset you im very sorry but it seem better cause he only ask from time to time so i don't think my father hurt as much as he did the first time i waited along time before i told him but it was just me and him in the room and he seemed fine afterwards so i know i did the best thing i told my dad the truth like reba i told him she was with the lord in savior

Dont tell hem that she has passed . tell hem that she is not here . Then start talking about somethink that you know will put a smile on hes face . get hem to do something that will get hes mind off of hes mother and he will feel like he is helping you at that same time .

Why???? How could it hurt to let him think she is doing fine ???? I always let my mom think that when she asked about her sister or mom or dad - that they were fine. Why would I try to upset her - have compassion. Please!!!

Reba: I'm glad you are telling him she is with the Lord, but there may come a time when you have to rethink the 'lying' part. I was always taught to tell the truth, and also not to let my words hurt another person.

When my mother would get upset about her being ALL alone in the world, "Daddy' is gone, Mom is gone" all my sisters and brothers are gone" I would try to comfort her, and being her daughter didnt' seem to help. After all "I" was still there, but she didn't recognize me as her daughter!

I didn't know what to do at first, but then I tried to redirect her with a snack, and that seemed to work too. I would note WHEN this behavior was happening, what was setting her off, and I found that there were certain times of the day (and night) that she would reminiencse about them, and that is when I would try to 'head it off at the pass!" This is how I handled some of the problems.

Its a fine line between 'lying' and sparing them heartache when it comes to our elders and loved ones.

Never say never, you never know....

reba , how did the operation go ?

RUNNING ERRANDS i don't think so the best to me is to tell your loveone the truth..when my mother passed it wasnt easy but we got through before his dementia set it good i told him, he was asking and i to him ..it hurts yes i know but lying to them i don't think thats the best answer

thanks Dsyson but this was a long time ago. I was told not to lie to them. Because they soon forget in just a very short time. But I tell him she is with the Lord.

I believe that the best way to handle this is to soften the blow, there is no need to make him cry. I believe that you might say she's running errands or with friends. Because this way he's not hurt by your answers. Hope you both have a blessed day!!

reba , i hope the operation goes well today . ed seems like a fighter and i am postive that he will pull thru that operation and heal in no time .
u said while back that ed s losing weigh , i remmy my step mom she was skinney boney lady till she went to nursing home and i couldnt believe my eyes shes put on a bunch of weigh . they gave her something that made her want to eat all the time . even stole her roomates food . maybe u shall ask dr about that . i know when im on steriod im hungry al the time ,
let us know how the operation went ok . be thinking of u and ed and sendin prayers at ur way . xoxox