My husband has Alzheimer's. When he asks about his mother and I tell him she has died he starts crying. Should I lie to him?

Dear lhardebeck, sorry to hear about your back. Is hubby furious or just looking out for your best interests? Poor you and your dad. Oh, Lord, give her helpers!!! Will be praying for your broken heart, and some healing. Who will care for your dad if you can't? Can't someone come in to help both of you now?

i have 2 daughters both are cna , they help me out alot but also they work too , i only call out to them when i need them here to help me , my youngest daughter has beem helpin me alot , she ordered me to go to bed , well i toss and turn i think maybe i slept total 30 mins after beegin in my bed for 2 hrs .
it was hurtin my daughters back too , i told them from now on dad stays in bed , even tho he rather go to toilet . sorry its not happening again .
my husband is furoise and lookin out for my best intrest too , sometimes i think he is selfish too . i do give him my attentions , am always with him when he gets home from work . i dont know , its just all mess up emotional ,
in fact i think he is on his way out , i was readin the one; my mom is dying ;, they way she described her mother well that sounds like my dad right now . he is gone downhill again ,
think afterthanksgivin i will call home health nurse to come out ...

Maybe you should call the nurse tomorrow. As for husband and you, both of you have a great amount of stress right now. Holidays seem to make things worse. Selfish? They need us, too. Sometimes we sacrifice ourselves in caring for others. We can only do so much, and suffer the consequences of our choices. At least consider calling a nurse tomorrow. You'll probably have to wait a few days, anyway. Will be praying for you, and hope you can find something to be thankful for in the midst of all your struggles. While you're lying there, perhaps you could count a blessing or two? Take care, and focus the gifts God has given you... May I be so bold? Start with your husband, your daughters, and then your mother. Ask God to help you. Sounds like you all need it! Keep us posted, please.

Hi everyone. Just wanted to say have a blessed Thanksgiving Day. Enjoy you loved ones while you still have them. Reba

They can tell you how bad the person will get with AD But Not the feelings you are going to have. I have never felt like this before in my life. So much stress. Yes and I get mad at him for not understanding what I am saying. I hold my temper and think "God when is this going to end, should I put him in a home, how do I pay for it?" I had a heart attack in 2007. I am not suppose to have stress and this kind of stress is not what I thought I would be feeling, not this bad. I have had a bad week and I pray for God to end it. Then I feel guilty. I don't want him to die but how else can a person be free of this hell hole? Nothing I did to try and get some peace this week has helped. So what is next?

oh reba , i feel your pain . i too wonderd why the lord is keepin my dad here for him to whine and ache and sleep alot .
i told my husband today that theres a reason for everything . god knows dad needs to be here with me .
reba , i think you need a break , your body is telling you that you need to rest and take care of yourself .
from march to now i think i read that is what you have been doing for so long is takin care of elders . if i am right , you need to take a vacation and get away . if you could ??
i am 47 yrs old and i feel so bad for a nieghbor of mine , she is in her 80 s and her husband is 86 , he s been in and out of hospital and is back home . i thought oh mygosh !! how is that old lady gonna take care of him ! hes worst than my dad . i feel so bad forher but i can see cars down there and i know shes getting help ..
i am tired too reba and im only 47. i told my husband that when all this is over , im taking me a road trip ! taking my sister in law and go traveling out west !! it sounds so good , and im looking forward to it ,
you need to get away my friend ..

lhardebeck and the rest of you who I have talked with.
I am trying to find a way to have a couple of days to myself, but guess what? I feel guilty for even thinking that. He is so sweet about everything and if he thinks he is the one who has upset me then he says he is sorry. I tell him it isn't his fault but mine and that I am just tired.

He turned on two burners and there was an empty pan on the stove. Just thankful nothing bad happened. We are going to put up a half door with a lock.

I am going into the doctors because everything I eat I lose it. This has gone on for a week and I don't know what is causing it. Maybe stress do you think? Well I thought I had myself under control but looks like I don't. I don't want to put him in a home because I think he would go down faster. What an awful disease, it belongs in hell where it came from.

Glad you guys are there so I can let off some steam. God bless you and thanks for being there.

Dear Reba, so glad you're going to the doctor to see what is causing your symptoms. Stress can cause physical symptoms, as well as emotional ones. Praying you will find the cause and cure for your struggles. Is there help for you with your dad? That may ease some of what you are experiencing, and give you some rest.

Thanks for sharing your story. So sorry you are struggling with the stress and physical problems. Please keep us posted after you've seen your physician. And if possible, please try to get some help for you caring for your dad. God bless you, Reba.

Reba, sorry, I wrote, "your Dad," but realize it's your husband who you're caring for.

Hi, I found out I am not eating enough. He gave me a stronger sleeping pill for nights when I can't sleep. I am to get out of the house more. So lets see if that works. Calling my kids and they will take him one day a week. So that gives me two days that I can do what I want. Even stay home.

good !! very good , wish i could get out and go with ya , :-)
am heading toward the woods to cut the firewood , to relief my stress .
my daughtr is staying home to watch her gpa . i dont know what id do without her ! ive been blesed by the lord to give me a baby girl instead of a boy i wanted , he knows i m gonna need a baby girl , thank you lord !

Amen, I have one daughter that comes when I call. Even if she has a headache and she gets them bad. But I tell her no don't come if you have a headache. But soon I see her coming in the door.

today dad ask me again , where syour momma ?? yesterday he ask me where is your brother ( he died 2 yrs ago in a camper fire) . all too much for me to handle and begin reminded about my 2 long lost love . i finaly had to go my bdrm and bawl my eyes out . i ask dad if he knew where they were he said no he dont know and thats why he s askin me . i hated tellin him theyre resting , sleeping cuz thats what i tell him everyday . it gets old , i just wanna shout at him and tell him theyre dead !!!! but i bite my tongue and say well i dont know i think theyre resting .
sometimes i wonder if hes messing with me and he knows they are both dead but just testin me to see if im telin him truth or what ? oh lord help me ...
going into the woods was nice and had to come home cuz daughter s going xmas shoppin . guess i ll take a nap . gave dad his xannax cuz he was still hollarin makin annoy noises , it was non stop , last night he went on and on till 2 am finaly i had to give him another xannax . gosh , ive ask him manytimes plz stop that hollarin , it feels like a bunch of honey bee s flyin inside my brain and it s awful ! he would quite down for about 2 mins then starts up again . its getting worst .
ahh i am cranky.. time for my nap . i hope dad lets me ....

My mother has alzheimers and was married for 60 years. She is now in a care home. My father (her husband) passed away suddenly. I do not want to tell her this because she would be very distressed. I am being pressurised by the home to tell her because they say she has a right. I know that my mother would be greatly distressed and I do not want to distress any more than she is already. Her GP has agreed that if I did tell her I would have to repeat every week and further distress here. Help what should I do?

why wasnt she informed about it whenher husband passed away ? she didnt get to say goodbye to him . she sittin there thinking he s alive and wondering why he hasnt came to see her . leaving herin the dark isnt right at all .
tell her once then on tell her hes resting or sleeping , thats what i do to dad ,
dad knows he lost 2 wifes and a son . yes he went into depreesions wel so did i and other sibling . as dad gotten worst (dementia) he would ask me wheres momma and his son ? then from then on ijust tell him theyre sleeping or resting ..

This seems good. I strongly believe that each person should be told the truth about the death. But when they cannot absorb it or remember it and being told over and over only causes fresh, unbearable pain for them, we need to find another way. You've done well lhardebeck.
Carol

lhardebeck, Sorry to hear you are having a bad time. I know what you are going through. Ed isn't talking loud enough. I have a hard time hearing and he talks so low. I tell him and it doesn't do any good, he still talks low. But this is part of the disease. They get to a point where they will not talk at all. I am 73 and I get tired too. I want to put my head in a hole. No one seems to care what we are going through and I am talking about family. But their day will come and I hope they have help. I started playing Christmas music, at least he shuts up for a while. Hope your day is better today. Hugs, Reba

I don't know if I agree with not telling them. They hurt one way or the other. They could be hurting because the ones that have died are not coming to see them anymore. Don't you think this would hurt too. I find they cry easy anyway, over nothing.

reba . i wish i could come over and take the load off your shoulders .
yeah my dad is the same way gibberish all the time while he s awake , peaceful when he s sleeping . i just finish up shavin him and gave him hair cut and cut his toe nails and file emdown shorter . now he s layin in bed starin out the sunny cold day and listing to his favorite pasty cline .
i looked in the mirror i thought oh my gosh i look terrible !! i guess i should clean myself up before my husband come shome from work to see me like this for few days , i wasnt feeling good for the past few days , flu bugs came creeping by and is now leavin . and i am feelin better , will be much better after i get myself clean up .
reba do u have hospice s come into ur home ? somebody ?? daughter atleast ? can you afford someone to care him for a while ? i know i cant afford it , my daughter helps meout but shes 18 and has a life of her own , but will help me when i ask her to . she did yesterday while i slept cuz she knows i didnt feel good /
if i could i would come and take a load off your shoulders , bless your heart .
i be praying for you , you take care ! throw some make up on ur face and say ahhh i feel better and smile a bunch ok ....

My friend you have your hands full too. But thank you for telling me you would do that for me. I can drop him off at my daughters - if they are not busy. My sister still comes over and I have someone to talk to and when she isn't here I can call my pastor. He too helps my state of mind. I am told "this too will pass" but when it does, I know my Ed will be gone.

We all have to do our part in taking care of a sick mate. That is what the bible tells us. Did you know it says if we don't take care of our family, we are worse than an unbeliver. God knows what we are going through but I think of what He went through for us. Nothing is a bad as that. But hang in there and you will be bless knowing you did the right thing.

man it sure hurts to hear dad askin me manytimes yesterday wheres your momma ? this morning i heard him wakin up and i went in there said put a big happys mile on my face hi dad good morning !
he picked his forhead and said wheres johnny ?? (his son , my brother was burnt up in a camper fire 2 yrs ago ) , i quickly told him i smell stinky poo here . so i changed him while he laid there listing to his fav pasty cline music.
today i took him to dr for blood work an doc wanted his stool samples . think maybe bacteria ?? cuz he keeps having the runs .
went to cvs to get some antibodi my husband staye din the van with him while they ate mcdonald food .
on the way home dad said linda u left 2 people behind waaaa .. i said ugh i didnt leave anybody behind dad . he said yes u did . i ha dto tell him that those 2 poeple has a car theyre going home now .. .
man that made me more sad , i babysat 2 of my granddaughters today 3 and 4 yrs old girls . im glad i did cuz it help me to be happy and to keep me going .
i am now starting to see dad that is going downhill more and how his mind is .

REBA , hope ure doing ok . i be praying for u girl ! i do think of u everyday , youre my angel ... happy holiday to all of you .

lhardebeck, thanks hon and I think about you all the time. Just have been so busy. Ed is doing about the same. Poor guy, his knees are bad and they will not operate on them. I ask the doctor and he said no, it would be too hard on him. Maybe I have said that before. I guess its his health being the problem.

Yes it is sad when they ask about someone. Life can be hard to handle at times. All of my sisters and brothers are gone except for one sister and she is 83. The holidays are hard to handle too. I must say I will be glad when they are over.

I wish I had little ones around but doesn't look like the grand kids are not going to give me any great grand children. But the way the world is maybe that is good.

Well off to watch a movie and I am hoping I can fall asleep soon. I wish all you a very Merry Christmas. One good thing about Christmas is, it's a celabration of our Lord's birth and it makes me think of what He did for us on the cross. Thank you Lord Jesus.

Hi everyone. I had to take Ed to the hospital this morning. His BP was very low. 76/59. I called 911. It came up but they took him into the hospital anyway. Found out he has lost 22 lbs in one mo. So what is next? Say a prayer for him, that God's will be done and if it is his time to go that he goes quickly. He has suffered enough. I could use a prayer too that I am able to with stand what ever happens. All of you are always on my mind of what you may be going through. Hugs to all of you. Reba

let us know what the doctor says about ed . am sorry to hear about it , yes we will be praying for you and ed . thanks for letting us know . youre always in my thoughts .
where ever ure living at i hope u dont get snowed in . we are expceting 4 to 6 inches snow here by tmr afternoon . i just hope and pray dad dont need a ride to hospital .
prayin real hard for you and ed and my dad .
keep in touch xoxo

lhardebeck
We live in Toledo Ohio. We are getting around 5" through tomorrow and Friday. Hate winter. It pretty but don't want to be in it. Thanks for your prayers. XOXO

Praying for you and your dad, Reba. Take care. You and your dad, too, lhardebeck

thanks you guys . i live in shelbyville indiana . nottoo far from ohio . hope the snow s tampers off by time it hits ohio .
take care .

SecretSister, Thanks hon but he is my husband.

lhardebeck
I was born in Elwood In. I have family there in Shelbyville In. Hey we could be related. Maiden name is Sosbe

my exboss last name is sosbe ! theresa , im trying to think of her husbands same . its not in my mind yet but it will come to me .
my husbands aunts lives in elwood , we have some families there . bosart , hardebecks . i will ask my husband who eles last name he s related to . his aunt noami passed away few years back .
i know a few sosbe . mm we prob cross by eachother and didnt even know it .
most my familes are up north small town name kirklin . frankfort .
how is ur husband tnite ?? what did the dr say about ed ?
im woried about dad . his pee smells realy strong , kinda looks brownish .
took him to dr today and he wanted dad to have urine samples well dad couldnt go , said i could do it at home then bringit to lab . we were stressing out , he keepin whiney whiney and wouldnt stop , im tryin to rush around to hurry him in thevan cuz he cant stand cold weather and it makes him flip out even more . stop at wendys for his supper he loves that .
got home he had to do number 2 first and end up potty along with it , i failed to take the urine samples , so am gonna try tmr and just my luck im prob be snowed in , i live out in country .
i told him he wasnt going to drink anything but water till that clears up . he still has a lit bit of antibodi left think his lastone will be friday .
ha i feel like im writing a book here . anyway i will try think of his name and also his mothers name ok . take care reba ..

HELLO REBA I SAY A PRAYER FOR YOU...............FATHER I ASK YOU TO BLESS MY FRIEND THAT IS READING THIS RIGHT NOW, SHOW HER A NEW REVELATION OF YOU LOVE AND POWER, HOLY SPIRIT,I ASK YOU TO MINISTER TO HER SPIRIT AT THIS VERY MOMENT,WHERE THERE IS PAIN GIVE HER YOUR PEACE AND MERCY,WHERE THERE IS SELF DOUBTING RELEASED A RENEWED CONFIDENCE IN YOUR ABILITY TO WORK THROUGH HER,WHERE THERE IS TIREDNESS OR EXHAUSTION,I ASK YOU TO GIVE HER UNDERSTANDING,PATIENCE AND STRENGHT AS SHE LEARNS SUBMISSION TO UR LEADING...MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND YOURS REBA, EVERYTHING WILL BE OK.