My husband has Alzheimer's. When he asks about his mother and I tell him she has died he starts crying. Should I lie to him?

yes I would love to have your poem of your dad

thanks I think I sent it home but that was this morning LOL its afternoon now and a million things have gone on since then here at work so will send it again can't have too much of a good thing. thank you love and hugs to all

Sorry, but I was reading over what everyone wrote back to me and I saw where I said it happened once. It happened two times. Decide I will not tell him she has died. I just let him talk about her and if he ask to go see her I will say not today. In a short time he stops talking about her. Most of what he says I can't understand him. I just let him talk.

Hope all is well with all of you. Have a blessed night.

Dear Reba, love is the best answer. We try to spare their emotions, and meet them where they are at. You are very wise. Hugs and kisses, help, too! Hope all your remaining moments together are blessed. Take care! :)

HELLO NEO,
I WAITING ON MY BROTHER TO SEND MY POEM I FORGOT I GAVE IT TO HIM AND I CAN'T FIND MY ORIG (THIS IS THE ONLY BROTHER THAT IS SPEAKING TO ME SO AS SOON AS I GET IT I WILL SEND IT TO YOU IN THE MEAN TIME I HAVE ANOTHER ONE OF MY MOTHER THAT I WROTE AND I READ IT AT CHURCH ON MOTHERS DAY THIS YR.





OUR MOTHER
Our mother was special,in everyway
when you visit her house she always
had something nice to say.
She promised us everthing will be
alright.even in the daytime and even
at night.
When she went to church,that was
all good,she prayed for us all,and
i knew she would
it was good times when she was around
she didn't let anyone put her children
down.
She was a strong woman,and had a
strong back, she kept us in line and
kept us in tack.
There was tweleve of us and we lost
one brother,what makes is so special?
we all came from one mother.
She was a special one and there will
never be another shes one of kind
and im talking about.....

OUR MOTHER

BY: SONYA BRUCE
9TH CHILD

How beautiful. you are truly talented. Thank you so much for sharing

I have another question. How can you tell what stage your husband is in with AD? I have read a lot but still can't find out for sure. Everyone on her have any ideas about it?

He said he is ready to go home and I said which home- heavenly home or home here on earth. He wouldn't answer me.

rebe, there are articles in this website that can help you also the the alz ass website that has the stages now it sounds like ur husband is in his 2nd stage or thrid i dnt know if ur helping him dress or not but my dad was in 3rd stage cause he couldn't help hisself dress if i handed him a item sometimes he woud just look at it i will half to guide him but their are several stages what ever he is doing that would tell you what stage he's in

msdiva,
I think he is in the last stages. or in the middle of the last, his speech is often unrecognizable, there is general incontinence, eating is difficult (some times he doesn't want to eat his dinner ) and swallowing was a problem a couple of nights ago.

Some times he becomes frantic, afraid. Dinners he says they are good but doesn't eat them. We can't understand him about 96% of what he says or less. He can't understand what we are talking about at all. Trys to get in on the conversation but we can't understand him and he is off on something else. makes up his own words.

I would not call hospice I saw them put my friend to sleep and when they came in they promissed they would not let her go past 9:30AM and she didn.t.

I will not call hospice that is wrong to do that to a person. If I did that I would go to jail.

why would you call hospice..they are the very last to call it doesn't sound like he's need them....ok you say his words are surl or what kind of medicine is he on is he or the new upgrad dementia med or is he on arcept and numenda which one..i know this is hard is was eas and not so easy for me cause i work with these type of people thats all i do but when he starts in ur convert with someone else following along if you can then afterwards tell him what u were talking about i know this is not easy but it will let him know that he is still impotant to you. as far as his dinner is he on a appitite stimulate to help him eat if not thats good for them for now is he on a anti dispressant medicine that will calm him down try these and see how it goes if you haven already

Crowemagnum,

That is ok as I am a forgiving person. I must admit I am very tired most of the time. That day I shouldn't have replied to anyone. We all makes mistakes and I have done a few of them myself. I can't sleep at night. I am tired of taking sleeping pills. I have had about 3 1/2 hours sleep in the last 24 hours. Sorry you are having problems too.

Another thing has happened. My husband's friend died Oct. 31 and I have decided not to tell him. I guess I have learned my lesson from talking to all of you. They met years ago at work. That has been about 50 years. Its funny because I just picked up a paper with his friend's phone number on it. I thought I would give him a call.

So I hope this is the thing to do in not telling him.

no i would not tell him that his friend died , it wont do any good to tell him that .
my dad and i was talking about thanksgiving . he said i wanna go to grandpa s house for thanksgiving . i was floored ! i just told him nah we better stay home and keep warm , i ll fix thanksgiving here , he said ok .
i did tell him that uncle and aunt was in a wreck . you should have seens his eyes ! he scream oh noo they died !! waaaaaa . i said no dad theyre both ok and he calm down afterthat . whew . no need to tell him bad news . thier poor heart cant handle it ...

well reba its ur decision if this is what you want to do...personally i wouldn't tell him either and just like ihardebeck said it wouldn't do any good and it will make him sad so i think ur doing the right thing,but like i said its ur decision

I think it is a good decision to my aunt died 4 days before my father and I didn't tell him she died until he was almost gone he couldn't speak he had a massive stroke and I knew he would die within a matter of minutes so I told him he had been with us long enough now it was time to be with the rest of his family his mom and dad and sister and son and grandson and it was okay to go. I told him if he saw a light to go to it and he would be takn care of and things would be taken care of here. I don't think when they are that sick they should suffer undue stress. and they are probably scared enough of whats going on with them. God will provide and you must remember he isn't functioning like he used to so not telling him horrible news is something he shouldn't have to deal with. you are a good daughter.

msdiva,
I am not sure it is the right decision. He would be upset at first and maybe cry but after few mins. he wouldn't remember it. So why tell them anything.

Most of you are so loving, kind and compassionate. Bless you for that. Reba, my Dad is at the stage you describe your Dad being in, with your Dad being only slightly more advanced. We've just begun to see the incontinence in mine. The rest of the symptoms you describe could have my Dad's name at the top of the page. Add anger, agressiveness, confusion, catastrophic reactions, fear, and personality disorders, and it tells a sad story.

To answer some questions asked and some unasked, I'll tell you this: my Dad is getting 24 hour care in the best facility we could find. They are controlling his symptoms with medications, and doing a very good job. However, even medication management needs to be closely monitored, and as they decline or progress to different stages, that needs constant reevaluation. My Dad is an impressive study, and has them all marvelling at his condition. It's not all clinical, though, and they treat him very well. They give him hugs and kisses, do activities with him, and life is better for him right now there, than ANY of his friends or loved ones could provide for him outside that facility. We haven't given up, or shirked duties, but recognize our limitations. And it was a good decision for Dad. We are there often, and are convinced his needs are met. Most of the time, Dad is content, shows no distress, agitation, etc. But then there are "those moments..." Ugh! So sad to see our loved ones like this. Reba, my heart goes out to you.

I think it's hard for daughters to make certain types of decisions. Since Reba says she doesn't think he understands what she's saying, anyway, then I agree, and practice this with mine. I don't say anything distressing. No matter what. Even with a death in the family. He doesn't ask, and doesn't even seem to notice absence or presence some days; either mine or someone elses. Lately he's been calling me "sister," LOL, my mother's name, or asking, "Who's this lady?" when he sees me. Good question. Somedays I wonder who I am myself. ROFL (Only kidding.) I think for us, the solution is to keep things in the now, keep things positive, no matter what. Keep him cheerful, content, as much as possible, and just love him where he's at. This seems to work better than anything. No negatives. Who needs that when they are fighting just to survive? Grace and peace and love works wonders for all of us.

SecretSister,
Thanks for your input. He is my husband that I am taking care of. That makes it harder to see him like this. I did take care of my dad for 6 weeks before he died. I am glad that I did that for him. He said please don't put me in the hospital. I agreed. Why my dad felt that way I have no idea. But I kept my word. It was hard seeing my dad suffering from cancer of the sinuses. The cancer started there and went through his whole body. People that smoke should see how you can suffer from smoking. At the end he couldn't even walk.

I also took care of my sister for 8 mos. That was had too and I would do it over again. Like I said before, in a home if they misbehave they drug them. They did it in the hospital too where I worked. I was lucky I didnt have a problem like that with dad or my sister to where they had to be druged up to be able to stand them. They are the happy pills.

Now I am taking care of my husband. Sometimes I feel like I could kick his butt. He gets into things and maybe takes them out and puts them somewhere else - where, only God knows. But he doesn't know what is going on. I look in his gentle eyes and then I want to sit down and cry. He isn't nasty and I heard they can get that way. As long as I can control him then I will keep taking care of him. Sleep is hard to get around here. My sleeping pills don't work anymore. If I take a stronger one then I am sleeping through the day and I can't do that with him here.

Some homes are not fit for dogs.

REBA
THAT IS WHAT YOU SHOULD NOT DO IS CRY IN FRONT OF HIM...BUT IF YOU HALF TO GO INTO ANOTHER ROOM CAUSE IF HE SEES YOU CRYING HE'S GONNA THINK HE DID SOMETHING WRONG I KNOW, OF ALL PEOPLE I CRIED ALOT BUT I NEVERED LET MY FATHER SEE IT MY CHILDREN SEEN ME AND MY BOYFRIEND BUT, NOT HIM CAUSE I KNEW HOW SAD HE WOULD GET...MY DAD HAD ALZ FOR FIVE YRS AND NOT ONE TIME DID HE GET ANGRY AT ME AND I WAS SO SUPRISE... I WORK WITH THESE KIND OF PEOPLE LIKE I SAID BEFORE AND BOY CAN THEY FIGHT.BUT MY DAD NEVER DID TO ME..NOW HE MAY AT THE BOYS AND EVEN ONCE AT MY BROTHER (WHICH HE SHOULD HAVE SMACK THE H--L OUT OF HIM) BUT NOT ONCE WITH ME SOMETIMES I HAD TO GET FIRM WITH HIM BUT HE ALWAYS RESPONDED BACK SAYING (WHOS THE DAD AND WHOS THE DAUGHTER) (HAHAHA) AND I WOLD JUST LAUGH AND TELL HIM "WELL DAD IM THE DAUGHTER,BUT IM THE ONLY DAUGHTER HERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND HE WOULD LAUGH HE HEAD OFF (I MISS HIM SO ) ALSO IS THERE A CERTIAN TIME HE GOES YO SLEEP IF THERE IS FIND THE TIME FOR YOU TO NAP AT THE SAME TIME I KNOW ITS HARD BUT SEE IF THAT WORKS ,YOU HAKF TO TAKE CARE OF UR SELF ALSO REBA

my dad does the same thing . he never would lash out at m ebut he did it to my brother . i would tell him what to do and he would call me ok boss lady hahaha .
i have broke down and cried in front of him before , cuz he wouldnt sleep at night and i was dying to sleep , so very tired and worn out , he felt bad and kept quite for about an hr and start it up again .
yes reba try to take a nap when he s sleeping , i do that alot . sometimes i have things to do and cant take a nap so i know where youre comin from . alot of time im scared to go sleep cuz he would wake up in 15 mins after i fell sleep and i hate the wakin up feeling . my whole body would vibrate trying to wake up . ahh . i laid down about half hr ago while he was sleeping well guess what he woke up needing to go bathroom . oh well at least i got half hr nap hahaha ....

I think just from my own experience and those I have talked to aout alzheimers if the person was sweet and content they usually stay that way If they had a dispsition to get angry alot or hateful than it would increase as the disease progressed, I don't know if that is true or not but my MIL sure was mean and accused everyone of taking her stuff one day she told me my son had been in her room NOT and some of her drawers ere missing NOT they were either in the wash or whever she moved him, now mind you my son was 16 I just cracked up and said what would a 16 year old boy want with old lady drawers now if you wore pretty silky lacy ones it might be a diferent story my son and I still laugh about that today. She would get up in the middle of the night and hit him over the head with something and tell him to get the H___ out of HER house once he picked her up and put her on the front screened porch and shut the door God Bless him that is how a 16 yr old handles things, I told him not to do that anymore and she would get so ticked off over nothing and kick things and was always falling nd my son was always there to pick her up. its a strange world we live in

msdiva, No I didn't cry but I was fighting back tears. I know he would think that he did something wrong. It has already happened and he said he was sorry and I told him you didn't do anything wrong. A good husband and father and we will be lost without him. But I could go first, they say caregivers die first.

neonwocky, I wonder if they get nasty because they know their life is just about over. Another reason could be they get nasty is they don't like being told what to do. I know I wouldn't and maybe you are the same way. They still have their own thoughts and I KNOW they want to be back in their own home. My daughter said she would move in with me. We get along pretty well. But when a person doesn't feel well they can be nasty and not mean anything by it to the person they are with. Life stinks at times and old age is not the Golden Years.

yeah I know what ya mean I just had my 61st birthday seems like my life has whizzed on by and I've done nothing of what I want to do and the old body is ging down hill fast and still taking care of people been doing it since I was 7 so guess that was my calling I'm not looking forward to it neither I've seen so much cleaned up so much and not just physical messes, and seen so many die . now I have a 30% blockage so I just as soon go out with a big bang! But we will do what we must I think we are all obedient and I am sure you are right my mother in law just wanted to be in her own home and if there had been anyway she could have I would have but she lived in another state and her other two daughters just could not do it and they told me they wouldn't so we did the best we could I tried to make her feel needed but as she progress she just let it out I suppose she also had lots of tiny strokes and really bad diabetes so they were all working together I wouldn't have been a happy camper either.

neonwocky, I sure hope you are right. He has been a wee little nasty and it is over as quick as it starts and he would say 'I am sorry'. I would tell him if you get really nasty I can't take care of you. He said I know. But that was a while back. Only has happen a few times thank the Lord.

One thing that I found out that works really well if he is up tight I can put on some music that he likes and it will make him go to sleep or put a smile on his face and he will start singing. Understand the words - no but that is ok he is enjoying himself.
Better than drugging him to death.

That was kind of cute about her thinking someone would want her clothes. But getting up in the middle of the night like that - I would have put a lock on her door. lol My mother in law was nasty too but she got better near the end of her life. A lot of people do change when they know they will in front of God soon.

ITS HARD U GUYS I KNOW ITS VERY HARD BUT WHO LOVES OUR LOVE ONES MORE ''CARE GIVERS'. NO OFFENSE TO NO ONE

I almost feel guilty saying I put my Dad in a NH, but we felt we had no choice. He was wandering, lashing out, threatening Mom and being inappropriate with neighbor ladies and children. He put a plastic bag over my 8 year old son's head, and tried to tie a sock around his neck. I knew I could never care for him in my home. He truly is in the best place I could find, as we knew of no one else who could. Too many issues. He seems more content, and less driven now than I remember seeing him his whole life. Is everything perfect? I don't like him in the NH, but am thankful he is safe. If he were not there, he could not survive. He almost did not survive at the other NH. Every one who visits him there agrees this was the best place for my Dad.

As for wondering where someone is, he no longer possesses the communication skills to ask, and may not possess the mental ability to remember. His granddaughter died tragically in September, and he doesn't even know; and we didn't tell him. My sister told us not to, and I agreed. He'll see her again, someday, and she can tell him then.

SecretSister, Yes it is sad but in your case you didn't have a choice. If my husband would get like that then he would have to go to home. Or be put on drugs to keep him cool as they say.

A childhood friend came down with PC and her grandson was staying in her home. He got into her pills and died from them. Well they never told her. She only lived a month longer.

I guess if they are sick or not able to think like they use to then it is best not to tell them what is going on in the family.

Oh Reba how sad on all accounts so sorry to hear that we can never be too careful can we? always have to be on our toes. I hope his mother was helping with her mother and just didn't drop him off how could she expect someone thst sick to take care of him otherwise. You are a sweetheart stay sweet it pays off in the long run. HUGS neon

Sad story. Diligence, persistance, attentiveness, love and grace. Caregiving is not for sissies. Hugs and prayers to all or you. Take care.

neonwocky, You lost me on that one, LOL you said ( mother was helping with her mother and just didn't drop him off ) - that is what I don't know what I would have said to make you think that. Let me know. Thanks


Also has any of you been getting email twice from agingcare.com