My husband has been in Memory Care for almost one month now. Yesterday for the first time he wanted to come home. Now I feel so guilty! - AgingCare.com

My husband has been in Memory Care for almost one month now. Yesterday for the first time he wanted to come home. Now I feel so guilty!

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I took him for a haircut and when back at facility he refused to get out of the car. Am I doing the right thing? He had FTD.

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Oh thank you so much! I can’t help but feel I could have done more. I feel with the support from those who are also going thru this disease with loved ones, I feel stronger!
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Reply to Gardined
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In your mind translate "I want to go home!" into "I want to be whole and safe and I want the world to make sense!" It is scarcely a strange wish for someone in his situation. It will probably last as long as he has enough awareness to understand that things are not whole and safe and they don't make sense.

My husband wanted to go home for months. He was home, where we had lived together for more than 10 years. But he recognized that things were not normal.

You did the right thing. Stay strong!
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Reply to jeannegibbs
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Thank you so much for again confirming that I am doing the right thing. Just spoke with his doctor about his meds because the staff at the Memory Center says his agitation has escalated. He is swearing and angry, growling at people saying he wants to go home. She also confirmed this is the best decision for both of us. It would absolutely take us both down vs. just one if he came home. It would be impossible for me to care for him. Thank you again and God Bless you and your mom!
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Reply to Gardined
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Gardined, my family is going through this now. My dad is in NH, and every day he wants to come home. We realize that we cannot give him the care he needs without sacrificing our own (Mom and me) health and well being. We would not even be able to put him in a car to take to a doctor if he needed. He continues to decline and has settled down a bit about coming home, but the thought flares up from him now and then. My mother then has to sit down alone with him and tell him why he cannot. It is hard to do this, but we know we have to do what is best for everyone, not just him.
God bless you, this is a hard time and will continue to be harder as he ages. 💕
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Reply to ML4444
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Thank you all for your heartfelt responses. I feel better and even stronger in my decision. I am doing what is best for both of us. God Bless each and everyone of you. 😘
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Reply to Gardined
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I really feel for you. My dad often mutters, when am I going home? I feel his one remaining joy in life would be to go home. But I read the stories and advice here and realize that it would probably not be the best thing to even bring him home for a visit.
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Reply to Karsten
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It’s very difficult to look at someone we’ve spent perhaps decades with and realize that they’re becoming someone we don’t know and probably doesn’t know us. In my case, my husband who is a former business owner, has gone from a cane to a walker to a wheelchair and is now bedridden. He was always very much in charge and we never did anything unless he thought of it first and approved of it. His life was his business and since it was also a family business, he put his family first. Now, at the age of 64, I have another baby to care for.

Your DH is where he needs to be. I’m sure this wasn’t a snap decision you made. You are bound to second guess yourself. As time goes on and he goes through the stages, you will realize this. Accept was comes along. My mother, in an Alzheimer’s Unit, once told me, “I hope your kids never do this to you!” I understand how she felt, I really do. She was in a good facility but it was, after all, not her home. But, it didn’t make me want to pull her out and bring her to my own home. She was where she needed to be. I relied on the social worker and nurses at the facility for support with my decision.

I would suggest that you not bring him out if his reaction when you return involves throwing a little tantrum. We believe they NEED get out of the facility but they seldom really do as the disease progresses. My mom had such an “anxious” reaction to being taken out she wound up in the ER the next day. Go see him, bring his favorite treat, a fast food meal, etc. Be good to yourself. You deserve it!
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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I'd try to keep in mind the reason he is there. And, consider that even when some people who have dementia are living in their own home, they still say they want to go home. This is because the home they are yearning for is a homeplace from their childhood or a place in their mind of safety, contentment, etc. that is intangible.

The same thing happened to my LO a few times, when returning from doctor appointments. She had forgotten the AL in just a few hours, so, I had to explain that her things were inside, her friends were inside and get her acclimated again. It was pretty scary, but, once I rolled her in and showed her her room, friends, staff, etc. she settled down. I found that if the staff took her out, she didn't react that way.

Also, after she went to MC, she started getting her hair done on premises. A nice hair stylist comes there. They have a nice little shop on premises and she really does a good job. My LO seems to enjoy it, as the stylist is so kind and comforting.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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Don't feel guilty. You placed hike so he could receive an appropriate level of care while you also care for yourself. Does the facility have a hair salon? There will come a time when it becomes too disorienting for him to leave even for just a haircut.
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Reply to gladimhere
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