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I'm really starting to regret that we let her move in with us. Everything now is about her. She does not want to go to a nursing home and tells me if I put her in there she will kill herself and take all her pain pills. I just feel like a prisoner in my own home. I still work and have a cousin that comes in to help with Mom about three hours a day. I at times don't even want to come home anymore and I've never felt like this before. I miss my husband so much but all my time is consumed with taking care of my mother. I am planning my husband's celebration of life party but it is so difficult because her care is never ending. Feeling so lost!!

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westhighland57

Your mom is committing emotional blackmail with irrational demands and suicide threats.

Can you give more information about your mom's condition (can she manage her ADLs, etc) and how she came to live with you?
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Reply to CantDance
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Mom will not be able to take all her pain pills at one time. She gets them from the nurses and they should make sure she swallows them. So it would be hard to overdose.

I guess an AL is out. Tell Mom that you cannot care for her at this time. You haven't had time to grieve and you need that time. See if she will go with a stay in a home for a short time. Set her up with Medicaid if she meets requirements. Take the time you need. Maybe after a length of time Mom will get used to the NH or be passed the point you can care for her.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I faced the same thing when my father died. My mother became so needy. She was like “Little Girl Lost” even though she did nothing but complain about my dad while he was alive. I even wrote to her doctor and asked for his help with her. I was so busy propping her up, I had no time to mourn for my dad myself. She continued complaining about my dad until my family, who adored him, told me to tell her to stop bashing him. I did and she did.

If your mom is of fairly sound mind, you may have to have an honest conversation with her. I mean, really honest. If she starts the suicide thing, tell her to knock it off. If you act shocked by her words and placate her, you’re giving her exactly the attention and reaction she wants. Is there a relative she can stay with for a few weeks? A sib? Somehow, even if you spend a few bucks on respite care in a facility, you need time to mourn your husband. Start as soon as you can to pitch the idea that she’s going to go live somewhere else. Explain that you tried and it just isn’t working. Be firm and resolute. No guilt feelings. Good luck. Come back and keep us updated.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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I'm so sorry for your great loss, westhighland57. You cannot just keep putting your mental, emotional, and physical health in jeopardy because of your mother's threats. You need your space, and your mother should move out to an appropriate facility.

Don't let your mother blackmail you. This cruel. When I was about 20, I was engaged and then I recognized he was taking me down a path that, even as ignorant as I was, that he was isolating me from my friends. I broke off the engagement. He threatened to kill himself. That scared me and I took him back. Then a dear friend told me that my fiance' threatened to cut him if my friend came near me. I broke off the engagement permanently. His threat didn't phase me--that was his choice. (Long story, my ex did try to kill himself, apparently to "punish" me, but I couldn't care less. His actions were his choice.)

As others above have stated, you have no reason to feel guilty. Stand up for yourself. {hug}
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Reply to MountainMoose
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So sorry that you aren’t able to properly grieve. Sorry that your mom is controlling. Don’t buckle under to her demands. I hope things improve soon for you. Take care.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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When she threatens to kill herself call 911 and tell them that she is a danger to herself. When they take her for a psych evaluation, refuse to bring her home and tell them that she is no longer safe in your home.

I have zero tolerance for that kind of hateful manipulation, I'm of the frame of mind that they should shut up and do it already. My mom pulled this crap for years, it is nothing but control. What kind of person won't even let her daughter mourn the loss of her spouse. Sheesh, she is awful.

I am so sorry for your loss. Stay strong and tell her that she is going to a facility, when the self harm threats start, get on that phone and get her outta there.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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ExhaustedPiper Apr 16, 2019
That is a great idea about calling 911!

I had a similar visceral reaction to the original post. What kind of mother does not let her child mourn the death of her spouse??! Then I realized that is something my mother would do. I swear I wouldn't wish a narc mother on my worst enemy. The damage they inflict is immense.

Westhighland, I am so sorry for your loss. You deserve time to grieve and heal, IN PEACE. It's time for mom to move and you to reclaim your life. She can have a say in her own living conditions, she does not get to control YOUR living conditions.

Tell her this arrangement is no longer working and she will need to find another place to live. If she starts in with the threats of killing herself call 911 on her.
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First, so sorry for your loss of your husband. The only death I have experienced was my dad who we lost when he was only 65....nearly 30 years ago and I still miss him so much. Second, 100% agree with Isthisrealyreal....zero tolerance for that manipulation. My 84 yo mom lives with me with dementia and COPD and tried it only once when I wouldn't let her eat candy (she's borderline diabetic too). She said, " If I can't eat what I want I may as well be dead!" So I told her I would go get the gun and she could get it over with. Shut her up real fast and she's never said anything close to that again. She used tough love on me growing up. I learned from the best!!
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Reply to Lindam1958
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I totally understand what you're going through. I went through the exact same thing. If you'd like to know how I dealt with it, let me know. Don't let someone drive you insane. My father almost did.
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Reply to Daughterinpain
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Get a home health agency in there STAT! You need to mourn for your husband and you need support. Otherwise you'll lose your mind. Nursing homes can and will administer her meds so that she can't kill herself so easily. So don't take her threats lying down. Stand up for yourself and take care of you. Good luck!
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Reply to mmcmahon12000
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I absolutely sympathise with you. My mother moved in with me over two years ago and her behaviour was awful. She was so negative and depressing and had a need to be a victim and wanted everybody to feel sorry for her. She had been like that for many many years and everybody had pussyfooted around her. It affected me badly and dragged me down so much that in the end I stopped pandering to her and started telling her to stop behaving the way she did and pointing out her ridiculous ways and comments. I was like the parent disciplining the child but it worked and when she realised her attention seeking wasn't working it stopped. She is far from perfect and I hate living with her but it's so much easier now she knows her behaviour was unacceptable.
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Reply to NannaJ
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moecam Feb 20, 2019
Good on you - the tyrant in some can be come out & if you draw the line in the sand it is amazing how well it works - they are like 2 or 3 year olds needing boundaries
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Boy has she got you trained - tell her that she either lets up or she's out - forget about killing herself .... she is killing you - now that hubby is gone she has moved in on you when you are too weak to resist

She now can have those pills doled out individually so she won't do any harm to herself -

You work so you need peace & if just thinking of her demands makes you cringe when you open the door then something needs to change & IT IS YOUR HOUSE in the end so stop being an unpaid slave & stand up to her for both your sakes
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Reply to moecam
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When she threatens to kill herself, call 9-1-1 and tell them. Otherwise, she's killing you!
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Agree with calling 911. How dare she threatens suicide and puts you at fault.
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Reply to Rabanette
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Westhighland, how are you doing?
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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ExhaustedPiper Apr 16, 2019
I just realized that this post was from Feb 20th. I hope Westhighland is doing okay.
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