My husband and my sister in law are making me a caregiver for their dad. How to say no and make them respect my decision?

I'm going to be blunt, b/c I think you're in a situation where you need some support and guidance back to a situation that doesn't subordinate your own needs to that of your newly wed husband.

Facts:

1.  You've only been married a short time but already your husband, SIL and Fil's actions and attitudes are problematic, and your FIL is displaying what I'd consider actively chauvinistic attitudes (a woman's job to set the table).

2.  Your husband is already treating you in a condescending and dictatorial manner.  

3.  You're apparently expected to care for someone you dislike, another mysogynist?   

At this point I would ask:  is there anything about this family that you like?  Are you seriously in love with your husband enough to tolerate his interfering family, who don't seem to respect you?

4.    You have independent finances; have you ever considered (and I don't mean this in an insulting way) that you might have been married for your money, and/or for your caregiving ability?

5.     If you had a child, tried to balance the care of a child who should be more important than an FIL, and eventually decided to divorce your husband, do his assets even approach the level of yours?   Does he have a secure job?   Would he fight you for custody?

I don't wish to be negative, but I could see being tricked into caring for FIL, then a baby arrives, friction continues in the family, a divorce initiated by your husband, and your ending up paying him child support if he ends up caring for his father full time and includes a plea for custody of the child in divorce papers. 

At one point in my legal career I did divorce work, disliked it and haven't done it since, so I can't opine realistically on what different scenarios exist today.   But I do recall that if one party's assets were greater than the others, that richer party could be ordered to pay financial assistance for the poorer party.  Your husband could become poor very quickly if he quits work to care for his father.

I think the question you have to ask yourself is how much you really love your husband, especially given the lack of respect he's shown you.  

I would also ask why you care, or think they would respect you given the treatment they've displayed?

Again, I'm not trying to hurt you, or crush your self esteem, but I see a real need for a frank assessment of what YOU will be getting out of this marriage and potential Cinderella situation.

Others who have been in a similar situation have been advised to take some time out, away from the family, and seriously analyze the situation, what it is, what you want it to be, and what you want to do in your life.    If it doesn't include caring for your FIL, and your husband won't back off, you may have to make a big decision fairly quickly.

No one should be put in this position who doesn’t want to take it on, most especially with a rude person to have to care for. Please firmly tell your husband that you aren’t willing to do this, not even for a trial period (because the trial period will never end) If your husband won’t respect your wishes in this, it’s not a caregiving problem you have, it’s a marriage problem. In a healthy marriage, a couple puts each other first above their parents, it’s exactly how life was designed to be. I wish you well in standing your ground

If he is in your house now it might be a go time to visit your parents....for an extended visit. 3 weeks or so.
During your visit you might want to have a few discussions with your husband some of the things that maybe should have been talked about previously.
If your husband does not accept and respect your point of view I do not see much of a future.

I assume that because you are a "stay at home" wife they assume you have nothing to do all day but eat candy and watch TV. What does SIL do? I agree that once he moves in you are never going to get him out, and you will become resentful. Then you and your new hubs will have problems. If you have your own money, now is a time to see a lawyer and get that locked up nice and tight,, and I hope you have a good prenup, because I agree you could kiss some of that goodbye if push comes to shove. My dad always told me have my own money,, and boy am I glad he did. And I'm going to add, although this may not hit everyone correctly.. if you have the money.. you get more of the say, sort of the reverse of what many feel,, that the hubs has all the say because he is the "man". And I don;t buy the "get everyone on board" to share the care,, because once he's in your house you are going to be "it".. easy for everyone to run and have excuses once he is firmly in your house.

Katie2020,

It is not "My father in law doesn’t want to consider any assisted living facilities. We don’t know how to make him change his mind." getting him to change his mind. It is telling him loud and clearly that living with you is not an option, period.

And this is a discussion for your hubs and SIL to have with Dad.

You just need to make it very clear that you are not living under the same roof as FIL and you are not going to run yourself ragged providing any supports to him wherever he lives.

I am very sorry about your miscarriage just as all this set off. That makes it even harder for you. You need time to grieve your loss.

Dear Katie,

In my culture there is a lot pressure on women to the be the caregiver for elderly parents, but in the long run it can cause a lot of anger and resentment.

It's unfair of your husband and sister-in-law to ask you to be the caregiver. And especially since your father-in-law makes you uncomfortable. It's not right. There are other options and your husband and his sister will have to look at them.

Make them read the many threads here at Aging Care about the challenges of caregiving and help them see the truth.

Just go into zombie mode and keep repeating, "That's not an option."

The fact that your FIL and husband's discussion about assisted living didn't go well is not your problem. There is a point at which long-term assistance is necessary, and you are not qualified to do what he needs.

You don't owe your FIL care -- his children do. Remind them that it's their job to see to it that he's safe and cared for, but it is not your job to do those tasks. Remind your husband that a marriage is a partnership in which both sides must agree to major life decisions, and the one who does not agree prevails. I'd also suggest not having any children until you really see how your husband handles this challenge, because it will be exactly how he handles the challenges of child-rearing.

MJI, good points, especially that the husband's attitude toward having his wife do the caregiving reflects what his own attitude would be toward raising children.  That's a serious issue to consider, now, before becoming pregnant.

Dear husband, your father's desire to not go into an assisted living facility does not obligate me to become his caregiver. Period!

I am curious why you think that his wishes supercede mine? Perhaps we should have discussed these scenarios before we said I do, because quite frankly I am feeling very much like I don't. I don't want to care for YOUR dad. I don't want to be made to feel guilty for not being willing to be his caregiver. I don't want to be in a relationship with a male that would let his sister dictate what I will or will not do and I don't want to have children with a male that would put anyone above me and our children.

Your dad is not moving in to our home and I truly hope that you can understand that and it doesn't end our marriage.

I love you but, I didn't marry your dad and I am not going to be put in the position of being his servant.

As hard as it would be to lose your new husband, it would be nothing compared to having a man that believes you are there to serve him living in your home until he dies.

Your new family is completely out of line and your new husband is being completely unfair, he should be telling his sister to step up and take care of their dad.

Best of luck, this is a rotten situation to find yourself in 6 months in to your marriage vows.

Holy moly, Katie. "No" is a complete word. I can't comprehend how your hubby and SIL think you're the default answer to caring for your FIL.

And your husband "feels that I should want/willing to do this because he is my father in law."!? The only answer to that is" "I feel that you should want/willing to do this because he's your father."

You don't mention what issue your FIL has. Does he require care, part-time, full-time? No matter what, unless your FIL has mental issue that prevent him from figuring this out himself, it's his responsibility to figure it out.

If your FIL has issues where he needs help, the only I recommend is assisting your hubby and SIL to find a caregiver for him in his own home or apartment.

Stick to your guns to say no. And until this gets resolved, I encourage you not to get pregnant. Getting FIL's issue sorted out may take a lot of your time and energy. I hope it doesn't come to you moving out.