He also was diagnosed with AFib, high blood pressure and diabetes. Will not follow up on these either. He now pees and poops his pants. Kids please do not tell your parents they do not have to follow up then you leave.
Well, DH is going to die of 3 things. The cancer coming back, go into a diabetic coma or have a stroke. I would tell him that. And if the response is he doesn't care then say "then we need to plan for your death." Make sure there is a Will. You become his POA financially and medically, There are stories on this forum where the kids have swept in and took over. Leaving wife #2 to fend for herself. Mainly because DH gave his POA to one of the kids, Protect yourself.
Due to the colectomy the colon does not work as it did previously, it is much shorter. (How much depends on how much they removed) I do hope he is using disposable briefs intended for bowel/fecal incontinence and or urine. If not you should replace all his underwear with disposable briefs. IF he is cognizant/has not been declared incompetent he can elect to discontinue treatment for any or all of his conditions. This however places the burden on you when it comes to his care. As much as I dislike ultimatums this situation may call for one. (if he is cognizant) You outline what you will do for him when it comes to his care. Are there tasks that you can not or will not do? If so tell him. If you are not able to care for him safely you need to tell him. When it comes time that he needs things done that you can not or will not do he has the option to go to Assisted Living or (this sounds like a second marriage) he can move in with his daughter and she can care for him. You should also tell daughter that these are your ground rules and if she does not like them then she needs to tell her dad that he needs to follow up with his care. That might persuade him to do so if he is more inclined to listen to her.
It sounds like he is refusing care all across the board, not just with with the colon cancer. Perhaps he is letting you know that he is done with medical intervention; and although it may be difficult for you to accept, you need to listen. I would start with a frank discussion about what he would like to do. Moving forward, palliative or hospice care can be a wonderful support system and can visit him at home, providing medication, medical equipment, bathing assistance, etc. Also, if he has not already gotten his legal ducks in a row, that will also require attention: advance directives, POA, DNR if he chooses, etc. These are difficult discussions but assuming he is mentally competent to make his own decisions, it’s a conversation that may bring some light to his behavior. If I am completely wrong in my assessment, I apologize. I do not want to add to your stress. No matter, I wish you and your husband well. Please let us know how he’s doing.
Well, what's your DH's mental state? Is he cognizant of the severity of colon cancer? Did he have follow up TX scheduled and he opted not to do it?
A colostomy requires medical attention, whether he opts for FU treatment for the cancer.
Maybe hearing this from his daughter (is she also your daughter?) made him feel like he could quit trying?
I had a 'cancer year' in 2019. NHL, Stage 3. I treated with chemo (horrible, horrible, horrible) and cleared the disease. However, I will ALWAYS be a cancer patient. I was offered a follow up TX that consists of an infusion of one of the chemo drugs every other month for 2 years. I initially said no. I was so very, very sick and I felt like I just didn't CARE about living anymore. Took a couple of months and a very persuasive SIL who is a gastroenterologist to make me realize that I needed to do what was right and best for me and for my family. So--reluctantly I started the TX. It isn't fun and I lost about a week to incredible fatigue....but I did it, and will as long as I can.
NONE of my kids, except my SIL weighed in on whether I should do the FU or not. But when I told them I was doing it, they were all so grateful.
Sounds like you and hubby are not communicating, with each other of with his oncologist. Perhaps you can get him in for a check up and have the dr lay out the tx he should be getting.
But--in the end, it's HIS choice. When my cancer comes back, I will go gently in to that good night. I will not do a 2nd chemo.
If he is blatantly refusing to care for himself--maybe it's time for a NH. You don't mention his age. Maybe he's ready to go? He does sound depressed, but, well, one thing at a time.
Can he at least clean himself up when he soils his pants? Maybe daughter needs to make a visit back home and see how her advice was taken.
I do hope he is using disposable briefs intended for bowel/fecal incontinence and or urine. If not you should replace all his underwear with disposable briefs.
IF he is cognizant/has not been declared incompetent he can elect to discontinue treatment for any or all of his conditions.
This however places the burden on you when it comes to his care.
As much as I dislike ultimatums this situation may call for one. (if he is cognizant)
You outline what you will do for him when it comes to his care. Are there tasks that you can not or will not do? If so tell him.
If you are not able to care for him safely you need to tell him.
When it comes time that he needs things done that you can not or will not do he has the option to go to Assisted Living or (this sounds like a second marriage) he can move in with his daughter and she can care for him.
You should also tell daughter that these are your ground rules and if she does not like them then she needs to tell her dad that he needs to follow up with his care. That might persuade him to do so if he is more inclined to listen to her.
A colostomy requires medical attention, whether he opts for FU treatment for the cancer.
Maybe hearing this from his daughter (is she also your daughter?) made him feel like he could quit trying?
I had a 'cancer year' in 2019. NHL, Stage 3. I treated with chemo (horrible, horrible, horrible) and cleared the disease. However, I will ALWAYS be a cancer patient. I was offered a follow up TX that consists of an infusion of one of the chemo drugs every other month for 2 years. I initially said no. I was so very, very sick and I felt like I just didn't CARE about living anymore. Took a couple of months and a very persuasive SIL who is a gastroenterologist to make me realize that I needed to do what was right and best for me and for my family. So--reluctantly I started the TX. It isn't fun and I lost about a week to incredible fatigue....but I did it, and will as long as I can.
NONE of my kids, except my SIL weighed in on whether I should do the FU or not. But when I told them I was doing it, they were all so grateful.
Sounds like you and hubby are not communicating, with each other of with his oncologist. Perhaps you can get him in for a check up and have the dr lay out the tx he should be getting.
But--in the end, it's HIS choice. When my cancer comes back, I will go gently in to that good night. I will not do a 2nd chemo.
If he is blatantly refusing to care for himself--maybe it's time for a NH. You don't mention his age. Maybe he's ready to go? He does sound depressed, but, well, one thing at a time.
Can he at least clean himself up when he soils his pants? Maybe daughter needs to make a visit back home and see how her advice was taken.