My grandmother keeps having accidents. Talking to her feels awkward and I feel mean...what should I do?

She may be embarrassed, she may be showing a sign of early dementia, she may be suffering recurrent low level urinary infection which can also cause confusion. I would certainly talk to your Grandfather and tell him he should be supporting her and it could very easily be him so to stop being so unfair and unloving. Then I do like the idea of talking to her along the lines of you having the same problem since having baby. Keep some all in one briefs in the bathroom and if she has an "accident" insist she goes and changes - even if it does seem rude or unkind - you have a little one and you don't want the house in mess anyway. If she won't then tell her unfortunately in that case she will have to go home and be insistent. Too often we build problems for the future for ourselves by not addressing things early enough. Buy her some all in one briefs for keeping at home and wearing whenever she goes out so she doesn't have to worry about having an "accident".

It's possible she is losing control over ability to hold it/leaking out even as she sits. Time to buy some pads to see if they are enough protection for the amount of leakage she has. Look for the pads that say 'overnight' on them because they are a little thicker and wider at the back. walmart equate brand has some with the 'overnight' label on the package.

You might also do a little observation duty to find out if she is just waiting too long in between bathroom trips. Pain with walking can make someone delay the trips for obvious reasons. The longer you wait, when you finally rise, out it comes. Even though there is pain, the longer you can keep someone walking and using their muscles, the better off you're going to be.

I would discourage using diapers because, in my opinion, exacerbates the lack of control issue. Ex: If I put a diaper on you, your brain would still tell you it is not ok to go to the bathroom in your pants. However, if you had a bad day and couldn't get up and relaxed your bladder and your brain to say it's ok to do it, it will not take long before your brain thinks it is a natural/normal way to use the restroom. It is very hard to reverse this once you start it. It's a pee problem right now, but would become a BM problem later on.

Tell her EVERYONE wears them nowadays and that there are so many products to choose from she will be pleasantly surprised. Start her out with some, small sleek pads. Buy a small pack & open it up when you have the chance to talk to her in private, tell her you wanted to try them out for yourself and offer her a couple to take home.

Feces stains are usually from not being able to wipe properly and not that she has lost control of her bowels (I hope). She might benefit from non-flushable, disposable wet wipes. Get them for your house so she can "test" drive them.