Hello everyone, after a while of seeing no results I have decided to make an account here. I apologize in advance for the length, and any advice is greatly appreciated.
I have read a few questions already but the solutions provided have not worked (talking her through the disposable underwear and telling her that me and my sister, both of us in our 20s, use them so she does not feel as if we are accusing her of incontinence or old age) or are too straightforward (like replacing her underwear with the disposable ones) and she would notice instantly and cause a ruckus.
Her incontinence has reached a point where she has to run to the bathroom and she pees or soils all over the floor on her way to it. Every morning she washes (tries to, we have to clean it afterwards) her sleeping clothes (including underwear) because of her accidents and she refuses to accept that this happens. We have had feces on the floor of the kitchen, on the hallway that connects her bedroom to her own bathroom, on said bathroom, and we don’t know how to make her use the disposable underwear. She knows this happens, since she smears it around in her attempts to clean it (she cannot smell or see well, so for her it is clean even when it is not, and this happens when we are sleeping, so no time to stop her before it gets worse) or steps on it while walking around, and cries when we try to talk her about it thanking God that she does not have accidents and saying that “how dare we accuse her of soiling herself.”
My family is tired and they snap at her, because her denial is super strong and she turns aggressive when confronted. I have attempted to convince her with humor and using sympathy to get her to understand that using disposable underwear is okay (I always avoid the incontinence topic all together, since she instantly starts crying and shouting, thus ending the conversation), and she has lied to my face that she has tried them, when she obviously did not. We don’t have the money to hire someone to help, so we need to fix this on our own.
How can I get her to wear disposable underwear? And is it even possible for her to understand that accidents happen and that she needs this to make living together better, that this is for her own good too?
Once again, apologies for the long post and thank you for any help.
You will certainly not make in changes in her current behavior. She is not capable of predicting her body functions or acting to control them.
If you are not frustrated enough with the situation as it stands to find a care setting to address this, YOU and your sister must resign yourselves to the fact that this will be your lives, and hers, until she expires.
Please read over all that you have written until you accept it as fact. Most of us who have cared long term for people with the complex problems and issues have experienced the same situations as you are experiencing. In a home setting, care and management for people like your grandmother, no matter how much you love her, can actually become outside the realm of what the kindest, most compassionate, most devoted caregivers can do.
She is angry, hostile, confused and unaware. Are you and your sister prepared to use your next 10 years continuing this?
SINCERE hopes that you will consider all of the people living under your roof, and will be at peace with whatever solution you choose.
Like Funkygrandma said, get rid of ALL of her underwear and replace them with Depends pull on adult briefs. If she throws a fit and refuses to wear them and continues relieving herself on the floor, you'll have to consider placing her in a Skilled Nursing Facility under Medicaid to finance her stay there (if she has no money to private pay in a Memory Care Assisted Living Facility). Or apply for Medicaid to get in-home caregivers to help you out, although cleaning feces off the floor is STILL an untenable situation for all humans to have to contend with.
Nobody should be in a position to be cleaning up feces from the floor because an elder with dementia 'refuses' to do what's necessary to remain living in the residence. It's unhealthy and toxic to be exposing yourself to such a situation every day. How does she shower and clean herself properly? Does she accept help in the shower or is that another thing she's 'capable of doing herself'? Dementia only worsens with time and the behavior gets even harder to deal with!
Good luck!
"We don’t have the money to hire someone to help, so we need to fix this on our own." Has your grandmother ever had a cognitive exam given by a doctor? She may be a candidate for Memory Care, which is covered by Medicaid. Some state Medicaid programs also cover AL, but not all, so please check online at your Dept of Health and Human Services. You can also contact social services to have her assessed to see if she qualifies for in-home help. Also, contact your local area's Agency on Aging for other resources. You do not have to do this all on your own -- you will burn out as she gets progressively worse. Wishing you much success in finding solutions for your situation.
Who cleans the mess when it happens? Sure, she does what she can with what she can see, but I’m pretty sure you or another is having to go behind her and clean it properly.
What happens if she slips one day? Or breaks her hip because she was to stubborn to wear them and slipped on her mess? Does she want to go into the hospital for a broken hip and then have no choice but to wear them? I know beating around the bush makes you feel better, as to not offend her or make her feel bad, but trust me, it’s going to make your life harder. What could have taken one conversation, is going to turn into many just trying to talk to her about it.
And as you have already read, you just call them her underwear, not diapers. And if she refuses then it's probably time to place her in the appropriate facility, where she won't be given a choice but to wear her Depends. You may even have to threaten her with that, just to make her understand the importance of wearing them, as having feces and urine all over places is not healthy for anyone.
I wish you the best.