So, my grandmother is a narcissist. She lives in my house and acts as if she owns it. I am 26 years old, she treats me like I'm five. She constantly has to add her two cents to everything I do. I'm a clueless idiot who knows absolutely nothing (currently an aerospace engineering student,) she's an expert in every topic under the Sun, better than even PhDs (despite dropping out of 8th grade.) I'm a "disgusting mess" since I don't have her OCD (she thinks a single used q-tip in a trash can is an absolute biohazard.) She can do little more than b---ch, moan, and complain (despite me offering her practical solutions to her problems.) If I don't do thing's her way, I'm wrong (keep in mind I OWN THE HOUSE.) She throws a fit if I leave certain appliances plugged in (toaster oven) because they may "burst into flame" (yes, a brand new UL tested toaster oven connected to a 20A GFCI, 10Ga wire, and a 20A breaker.) Her car won't start, therefore she must burst into my room (without even knocking) to cry me a river because life can't go on if her car won't start (meanwhile, millions of people in Afghanistan are facing rape, torture, and murder and we're in the middle of a pandemic and she's acting like her car is the end of the world.) She threw a fit because she saw ONE wolf spider in the basement. ONE. She constantly nags me to do stuff she wants to do (take me to get a milkshake, are you going to the store (for the third time in one hour,) why don't you do this?) (And she's tested negative for dementia and Alzheimer's (at least that's what she's telling me.) She throws a fit if I'm out after 10PM (I'm 26 years old.) She complains if I take a shower after 10, because then she has to get up out of bed and dry the entire bathroom. (Yes, she dries out the tub because Lord forbid a fixture purpose built to handle water is wet.)
Frankly, I would have kicked her out months ago, giving her the option to either go her own way or go into a nursing home. But the rest of my family is convinced I'M the problem and see this as appalling. She is a better "saleswoman" making her just look absolutely perfect to anyone else. Clearly, I'm a d*** for not treating her like a god. She's done NOTHING to earn my respect and EVERYTHING to lose it. And any attempt to bring this fact to light with her inevitable devolves into an argument, because she's always right.
She's exhausted my patience. And trying to get it back with her around is like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom.
I'm not really sure what I'm asking for, here. Perhaps how to not to go insane and shoot her?
It’s also true that some posters are very vulnerable people who might not come back if they don’t feel total support in replies – though they may come back to correct misconceptions like ‘it’s my partner’s mother, not mine’ or even ‘yes this is all genuine’. However reading OP’s post, and the background given, it doesn’t seem to come from a very vulnerable person – read it again, perhaps.
Following Elizabeth’s comment, I got an extra chuckle from her first reply that ‘violence is so rarely the answer’. I hope that more people will watch for the signs, and stop nice people from getting the runaround. And yes, I am still very willing to be convinced that this one is genuine.
You cannot post a like or helpful or follow anyone unless you create an account.
You can justify your stones anyway you choose Maggie but, your nonsense runs people off.
Many of the things you site can be attributed to that.
I have to ask...
WHY is she living with you?
Who has POA?
She should be in Memory Care or at the very least Assisted Living with the potential to transition to Memory Care. But the AL should be locked or she should be restricted so she can not leave. With dementia she should not be driving.
If a facility is out of the question she should be in a Senior housing or with another family member. Not someone of your age going through school. You are far to young to have all this dumped on you at this time.
Well, now you've completed a degree from the College of Hard Knocks in Why to Not Let Your Family Take Advantage of You.
So tell us what you've learned...why DID you let them take advantage of you? And why do you continue to do so? That is really the bigger question here for some of us. What's the backstory?
Yes, the “whole point of this forum is to help people struggling with caregiving issues”. That’s why I question things that sound hard to believe. Our members are good and kindly people, and I dislike it when they are ridiculed by people who think it's funny to stir the pot.
The profile for jokers is that they are always very new on the site, and things in their profile and post seem either too good to be true, or too awful to be true. Things often don’t seem to add up – like why has this student taken over grandma in his own house, with no-one else in the family involved? Interesting for me, the previous two jokers have been far far away ‘in Australia’, though without the local knowledge they ought to have. In addition, jokers may sit and watch the ripples from the stone they’ve chucked, but they don’t come back. A genuine carer looking for help virtually always comes back to the discussion, particularly to correct misconceptions. If this one turns out to be for real, I’ll be more than happy to apologise to him (him? - they often read like they’re male).
I am grown up, and I am not ‘rude and unkind’, which was the feedback I got the last time I questioned a joker (who certainly never came back). I just care about the people who really do need help, and who want to help others.
Not everyone enjoys confrontation or knows how to deal with it.
Oh, as for being new, many people read here without setting up an account for long periods of time.
I accidentally bumped the like button and there is no way to change that.
Get her out. The heck with the rest of your family! This is your life.
This is similar to another poster from a few weeks ago--it must be those grandma's with an eighth grade education, because that's what hers had too! That poster had gotten a lot of replies to her thread. If I recall, the problem with the other poster's situation was that she was living in granny's home, possibly expected to help her out her out instead of paying rent. In your case, since you own your own home --kudos to you for doing that while being a student and only 26, by the way--then the kind thing to do is sit down with your grandmother and tell her that it's not going to work out since you both do things too differently. Then set a time limit and ask her children to help her find a nice living situation.
If she can't understand that the house is yours then there is a problem. It may be time to tell family that you can no longer have her there. She needs care and attention you cannot give.
Your choices are to chat or listen when you choose & ignore or change topics when you need to. Engage & disengage. Shrug. Take a break. Takes two to argue after all.
Or the alternative is to live alone. Is that what you would prefer? Is that possible?
To be a caregiver is a calling, not a job. Less so with family, because you’re not even getting paid for it, and if you do get any compensation at all, it’s rarely worth it. What is worth it, doesn’t sound like it’s happening in your house. No bonding. No, “Oh, remember the good times?”
If I were in your shoes, I would be the bad guy. I’m 44, so a bit older, and I LOVE my family, but I honestly wouldn’t give a rats a** if they didn’t agree to this decision in my own house. Because they’ll get over it. They will get over it. They can do it themselves and get a taste of their own medicine and see how they like it.
Bottom line is, this situation is not working, so something has to change. You can’t change her, because that ship sailed long ago, but you can tell your family that enough is enough, and at 26, you should be out finding an awesome love and want to make babies than changing the diapers on an old woman who won’t thank you for it.
You deserve more than to be treated like garbage in your own house. I don’t care if she is your grandma. Stand up for yourself and say enough is enough.
At your age, I pity you dealing with this! Yikes. You're too young and busy to deal with this nonsense. HER kids need to deal with her, not you. Let your parent that is her child know that this is NOT OK with you and they need to come up with an alternate plan ASAP.
While she remains in your home, calmly set some boundaries. She'll still be annoying, but don't engage and get angry or argue or whatever the current pattern is.
The whole point of this forum is to help people struggling with caregiving issues, not to attack them with baseless accusations.
Grow up