How do I deal with the guilt? How to I keep myself safe? It's seriously making me sick. The cat also has PTSD from dealing with this. Please help. We have been friends for 15 years. There are good days and bad days and now the bad is out weighing the good. This dementia is taking her fast. Her decline is going withing 6 months. Help please.
Has your friends PCP been told about her being violent because there are meds for this.
Find your new place. Let your friend know you are leaving. Notify any family you are leaving. If there is no family and you believe your friend will be unsafe then notify APS in your area that you are leaving and that she is alone and at risk.
You say "I was her caretaker". I can't know what you mean by that. If you mean she paid you to help her, then you will give her notice you are leaving. If you mean you assumed care of her, you will let her, her family, and any authorities know that you are leaving.
Once you have removed yourself as a focus of her distress and acting out, the behavior toward her cat is likely to improve. However, if you believe that isn't the case, and if you are witnessing animal ABUSE, then it's my own personal opinion that you are morally obligated to report this to your Animal Control agency.
I would suggest that you move out first, as when APS sees she is living by herself, it may get them to intervene sooner. Once you move out, you need to step completely away so there's no mistake that this woman needs their help.
As is often pointed out on this forum when caregivers mention guilt: you didn't cause this problem and you can't fix it yourself. This is what APS is for. She will get a court-appointed guardian who will act in her best interests and manage all her affairs and decisions. Our family's experience with this was positive -- and for my SFIL, it was truly the only option and we were happy he had it.
I would work on rehoming the cat asap, no need for it to suffer any longer.
Another strategy might be to call 911 and tell them your friend is "suddenly" not acting liker herself and may have an untreated UTI -- and she's in denial and refusing care. They may be able to get her to the ER. Once there, you talk to the discharge planner and do not tell them you live with her, so she's an "unsafe discharge". Then you ask to talk to the hospital social worker about her situation and whether she can get discharged directly into a facility. In this scenario, refuse to take her back to her home. In fact, maybe talk to the social worker to get her on their radar, then just leave. Hospitals have been known to pay for Ubers to get people back home. This may happen. Just keep planning to move out asap. Each time her behavior is unhinged, you call 911. Even if you have to couch surf with a relative or friend, move out soon.
You are in a bad situation because once she is placed, you will be forced to move anyway. It is best to be safe than sorry. You have no rights to anything. If you had a POA, you would be in a position to make decisions. From my understanding, she would have to be competent to give you permission to become the POA.
Start preparing to move and the next time she is violent, call 911 and have her taken to the nearest emergency room. Let the social worker work on placement into a facility if the doctor's determine that she isn't able to take care of herself. Do not assume any responsibility for her or sign any documents making you liable for anything. Don't let the hospital trap you into taking her back home. They will make all types of promises for home care, therapy and etc. Don't fall for the hype. They may come out for the first month or so, but later visits will get fewer and farther apart to non existent. I've seen this happen before with clients of mine. The client would decline and end up back in the hospital.
I know that you love your friend, but you have gone as far as you can with her situation. It's time to help the both of you. Help her with getting placement while you plan to move.
Please take the poor cat with you.